closure time?

Some days are like today - when your thoughts are a spillover from yesterday's, your mind is going over the same thing over and over again, that thing that inadvertently causes you to retreat into yourself, wallow in the sadness and shun any kind of contact, which you know usually leads you to feel better. After all, distraction is the best solution. But you're having none of it. In fact, what caused all this brouhaha was just an assumption of yours. What if that wasn't really the case, yeah? But then you're too stubborn, too full of pride and mindful of the mind games that people play to take the plunge and ask the questions.

.......

After years of that song in your consciousness, it's only now that the message clicked. Of course, why would it then? But without thinking to, you find it's what you actually need...

No regrets 
'Coz I'm doing this for myself
Now I'm letting you go 
Even if you were never mine to hold 

So I have to say 
"This ends today"
'Coz I gotta stop crying
Yes I gotta start living baby 

Although I have to say 
You're the best mistake that I made
So I'm leaving this situation
Thank you for the sensations 

And you begin to wonder, ne Makopa, who said those lines eh? Cause you knew those guys at one point in your life.


.......

The thing is, are you ready to finally make true what you've been thinking for weeks, months probably? Are you finally making this decision and sticking to it?

You say it's just a phase. Normally you wouldn't be feeling like this. So then, would you put up with these moments when you've got nothing to distract you and all those emotions are weighing you down?  I wonder what will trigger you to make a final decision.

It's hard to make a decision though with only half of the facts. You're courteous enough to give him a chnce to explain, not unlike in your daydreams of your own hurt/love story. You're itching to know what he thinks...maybe you should start from there?

This is a most convoluted thing.  So, time for some closure then?

two-day reverie

Yesterday I've had some three paragraphs filled with sadness, rejection and reevaluation which I forgot to save given I was using an app to type it up. Needless to say when I woke up, everything was gone. I couldn't try to recall everything since I still had classes to go to, and I'm already running late because I let my emotions overwhelm me. In the bath. When I had to prepare for my class.

Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of classes this semester for most people attending this school in Diliman. So after my classes, there was an opportunity for tambay with friends I haven't had much opportunity to spend time with the rest of this semester, and I had the opportunity to hash my thoughts and feelings out to a willing listener. And as I related my take on what has happened and, I guess, is still happening, what I just had as an idea in my head became clear and sure to me.

Yesterday was characterized by longing, sadness and eventually, annoyance, and today is like a clean slate. What happened yesterday? Is it finally a cleansing, an acceptance? That which was just a hunch, a product of my intuition is now an accepted fact? I can't be too glad of this change in perspective. It is welcome, since this is what I endeavored to achieve the moment I started to distance myself from these thoughts and that person for which I have no assurance about. But is changing one's perspective really that easy? I find myself hesitant to call this a closed topic because I am not sure if I'll be plagued by more unsure, sad thoughts days or weeks from now. Maybe I've just had enough venting out yesterday that today, it just seems like I'm fine and dandy (unaffected even as I viewed the pics on his FB profile, which, I realize do a lot to win me over). Add that to the fact that I' just unimpressed and slightly annoyed at how yesterday's conversation with the subject of yesterday's sharing turned out.

So today, I can't celebrate, not just yet. There's a finality when I say things are definitely over, though that's how I feel things are like. Still I can't be too hopeful. Like with most things, I will wait it out. A little more patience, trying not to overanalyze things. And finish what I'm supposed to be doing. Deadlines, dear. And if this doesn't pan out as how you initially wanted it to, cry, yearn, but don't forget - it wasn't meant to be because there will be someone else. Of course, this is me lecturing myself after reading a feel-good teenage highschool romance. Life... it's just like that. It's the moments when you're in the presence of something great that you feel you're on the verge of having something good, but before anything happens, it's gone and the loss of it is heartbreaking. But I will survive. I've already encountered this before. This will just be step up, and a learning experience.

Still neutral. Good, I guess. One can't be numb forever though. 

three cities, eight people

N who set our itinerary and made sure we covered them, providing the background to some of the things we were seeing and visiting, taking pictures of me so that I won't repeat my experience from last May, sharing his own story and that of his culture, being kind enough so that I wouldn't have to spend extra unnecessarily, thus, letting me experience what I wouldn't otherwise have had if our paths hadn't crossed

R & J for welcoming me and making sure I was comfortable, not hungry and able to go around, allowing me to stay in their place, sharing their own stories of living and working in a different city with a very different culture. My stay would be different otherwise. I see the advantages of staying with one's fellowmen in a foreign country. I'm also inspired to try and live on my own far away from what I've been used to growing up. Someday. 

G and your stories. You've opened up from the onset, probably because you had no preconceptions about me. A no holds barred, frank conversation and your perceptive insight plus your willingness to take me around - I'm actually amazed at the person you are. Too bad that your final plan didn't push through, but I look forward to seeing you again when you come back. I do hope things turn out for the better for you. 

A, so glad to be able to talk to a fellow Filipina during the more than 11-hour trip. Offering a lot of information about the places and conditions you've been working in for the past eight years with no pretensions, I do hope you pursue traveling just for the sake of it. I know I will. 

O, experiencing Saigon through your and your friends' experiences is something, especially since it's nearing Christmas. Totally helpful and also not averse to sharing your own stories, I'm so glad you still accepted me to stay with you even though you'd be more comfortable without me in the picture. Hehe. Many thanks. You're the epitome of a very good CS host. Thank you, once more. 

M & G, if R instilled in me the desire to live overseas and work, you guys have inspired me to actually take longer trips to fully explore a certain place or country. I loved your stories and I hope you both will be able to come visit the Philippines. Best wishes and good luck with the rest of your travels. 

Though I only stayed two days in each place, getting to know all these people made me feel like I've accomplished so much more than those four days spent in a single foreign city back in May. I am thankful for the people who welcome travelers all over the world and pay things forward. In time, I shall be able to do the same too. 

Cheers to traveling and living!

image from http://www.tourismontheedge.com/places/asia/how-to-pack-smart-for-a-backpacking-adventure-through-asia.html

movie notes on a Saturday

It’s 5:42 AM and well, my eyes are just inching a bit into Sleeplandia but not yet totally there. The black Kopiko has done its job once again.

+++

1:02 PM

After hashing out some stuff on the computer for my resume, my battery went kaputt, so it was time to leave the library. It was already past 8 then. When I came to the Vinzons jeepney stop, there was a long line there. Seems like there was traffic somewhere. After some 30 minutes or so of standing up, and with people leaving the line to get to their destinations faster, I finally boarded the 2^nd jeep. I’ve been thinking about ordering Pasta Puttanesca for takeout. And then I remembered Ender’s Game because I’ve been wondering about it in the library. And true enough, it was showing in Trinoma. Next show was at 9:55 pm, about 20 minutes away, so there’s nothing to be done about the grocery I was supposed to do. Bought a chicken burrito from Mexicali and wintermelon milk tea from Gongcha instead. And there. Settled inside the cinema. Weird that cinema 7 is not directly connected to the other cinemas. So that’s the place where not so popular movies are shown I guess. Still, there was a sizable crowd.

+++

11.18 pm

So it starts. I believe the opening was really nice, giving an overview of the current situation in Ender's time. Short but informative. 'Course things are changed a bit. Most noticeable thing is the boys are older. In the book, Ender was just 5 turning 6. Really just a child. Here he was shooting into puberty. When he shouts, you can hear the crack in his voice, he hasn’t matured yet, but is almost there.  And they are tall boys. Bean is already part of his launch group. Dap is no ordinary student but a full-fledged sergeant at the IF. Anderson is a black woman, with the conscience. I believed it was the other way around.  Abigail Breslin as Valentine -  wow, she’s really grown up. And his brother Peter is a looker. I didn’t really get a sense of how sadistic Peter was. Because in the book, that characterization was repeated, over and over. And Valentine and Peter's side story  – Demosthenes and Locke – wasn’t used anymore. So was Ender’s journey with Valentine to find a home for the queen of the buggers. I also expected Petra to be more eccentric, but here she was just goody two shoes, normal looking. And they’re exploring a romantic angle between her and Ender, not with her and Dink. 

The isolation thing was not too nicely done. Again, my basis was the book, so with what I've seen, it seemed the movie was not giving enough reason to justify the way the story’s been going. I’d have liked to see more of the Battle Room scenes in the book explored in the movie. But well, that’s the limitation of a movie adaptation. I’m not sure if Ender's brilliance was justified (like how he made sense of things), nor his frustration, nor his internal and external struggles, nor the changes in how his schoolmates and the officers saw him. The Battle Room was very nice though. And Bozo Madrid was really hateful there. A real Spanish looking warfreak smaller than Ender who just wants to get his own way.  My friend Nicole did say Asa Butterfield doesn’t have much talent to speak of. It showed. He didn’t have to act a lot. It seemed the movie was more predominated by the special effects, since of course, it was set in a more technologically advanced future.  It was just amazing though having to see the battle scenes made into something visual - like when he had to reorient himself during the final battle by saying that the enemy’s gate was down. Yeah, that was something else. And to be able to zoom in from where you are at the other side of the galaxy and zoom in right to the surface of the planet they were attacking - coolness!Well, I should watch it again once I’ve sufficiently distanced myself  from the book. Just so I could appreciate it better. 

I actually read or maybe heard somewhere that it combines stuff from Ender’s Game and Ender’s Shadow. Well, so far, all it was was the whole Ender’s Game, from beginning to end. If it was longer, it would’ve been fine. Shoot, I really wanted it to end up really really nice. Since Orson Scott Card was the producer or was he part of the screenplay (?), somehow I thought it would be okay. When I watched the trailer over a month ago, I had goosebumps. Something I love being turned into a movie. Oh, I really thought it would be epic. I have to find that aspect of it. 

Oh well, I should give it some time.

And just before launching into my impression of Ender’s Game, I watched The Internship. It seems like it was officially sanctioned by Google, because hell yeah, their setting is the actual campus in CA. Complete with the free food, slide, sleep pod, dance classes and electric cars. And two old timers, Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson are trying to make it , to get a job even though their tech knowledge is nowhere near basic. Is that how they really get interns and eventual employees? It was really fun and challenging. I like Lyle. And the Indian girl is so beautiful. But the two main characters are really the cohesive glue of the team. I love their people skills and the veritable Geeklandia as well - they play quidditch, with brooms!  

a love letter

I was looking for an anecdote on Philippine personalities I could share in my class yesterday and finally came upon Alexis Tioseco. The pull of the person that he was was so strong that even though I wasn't prepared enough to share it in my own German translation (yes, it's for a German Lit class), I pushed through with it. Also because the only alternative I have is about the Ver-Ramos rivalry and how Imelda Marcos had the last say. Suffice to say, I didn't do his story justice - next time, surely. But I digress.

I've decided to go with Quark Henares' accounts since he apparently knew Alexis while the latter was still an unknown, working in PDI's 2bU! section. And because I remember reading this interview of Quark where he said that he's living every day so as to fulfill Alexis' wish in his "Wishful Thinking for Philippine Cinema."

Well, backtracking a bit, I came upon this letter of Alexis to Nika here while looking for other sources. And I recognized once again the import of what society has done to a man like Alexis Tioseco. His and Nika's murders are truly a big shame. Someone with this much love, not just for his partner but for society through film - his convictions, his efforts, his vision - we should not deny him his life and us, of his.

I am reposting the letter here because it is truly beautiful. If I only I could write like this...

My dear Nika,

If there has been a single cause of strain that has stuck out in our relationship it is this: the idea of my attachment to the Philippines, the strong desire you see that I have to live and work here, and the way that, perhaps, you see this as a matter of misappropriate priorities. Does a place mean more than a person? Does my work in the Philippines mean more than the possibility of a life with you, somewhere, anywhere else? Must it be you that moves, makes the (I know you hate the word, but let us use it) sacrifice of moving? And what, if anything, does that say about us—that the scales of our love weigh more heavily on your chalice?

I know you’ve come to terms with the idea of moving here, hopefully next year, we discuss—but I still feel the need to talk a bit more about some of my reasons for wanting to stay, at the very least for the meantime. I’m not attempting to compare my affection for Manila with yours for Slovenia, but only to explain the thoughts that go through my head, the things I feel I must do, things that, perhaps, we can do together.

Yours,

Alexis 


Insightful, articulate, a soulful rhythm - I can feel the challenges that have been imposed upon the couple, the consideration, the kindness and love. If I were to receive a letter like this - oh! I live for stuff like this. Living and loving. If only.

"The first impulse is always one of love." - Alexis, in another love letter to Nika and Philippine cinema

naiveté, idealism or optimism?

Romanticizing - they just make the event, thing or person more memorable, more pleasing to reminisce. So you have a view of things based on what you see, her and how you interpret them, only to find out later that you had it all wrong. What you thought was mutual respect and a harmonious working relationship was the furthest from reality you could get.

And so you live your life based on an assumption of reality and so your existence is some kind of hoax then, right?

Romanticizing things can only get you so far, but you'll never really know. What you have are just stylized, idyllic notions. Best for what it really is to come from the horse's mouth.

But then again, nothing is straightforward. We all cower behind the secret glances with hidden meanings, words left unsaid. So many thoughts... but without the right timing to voice, or even at the very least, express them.

So you let yourself be caught up in this game, this web, with no known beginning, and most times, without a foreseeable end (except the one your imagination concocts). And you participate, and you hope, and you get disappointed, and you share your woes, ask for insight, feel better, and get entangled again, and expect and so on. And you wonder, when will this end, is it a relatively happy ending that is in store for you? Or is it just better to not have entertained any of these thoughts and saved up all that time and energy expended on that line of thinking? You may be clueless, but perhaps, you may be happy...

At least during the small snippets of time when everything's fine and dandy. But you know things aren't always that way. That won't hold for very long.

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

Lamenting singleblessedness

Somebody confirmed with me last night my sexual orientation. Needless to say, it's the 2nd time in my life I've been asked that. I guess when you meet  a number of new people and don't have a lot of time to interact with them, the sooner things get cleared up the better. Which brings to mind this one other person who I know is thinking of me in that manner. I've tried to dissuade her of that thinking some but not completely outright so I don't know when the opportunity to correct her will come up again. And I think she kind of made this distinction the first time we talked, even though or probably because we've been seeing each other around at work. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I give off this lesbian vibe. It's probably why I'm not attracting anyone at work, for the most part. I can't help it if I want to be a bit girly - dainty, sometimes a bit - how does one put it - slutty, perhaps, one day and then some days, I'd be comfortable with a no nonsense school (i.e. tee shirt)/sporty/androgynous look. I can't help it that since I was young, I've wanted to emulate talented athletes like Martina Hingis (hello, world number 1 at 16!) so I've also been engaged in sports whenever I could though I didn't have the talent and a mentor. I also realized early on the benefits of exercise so I just continued playing some form of basketball and badminton with my siblings at home. Never mind that I tend to have tomboyish tendencies (at least in attire) back then and that I move not in the usual way that young girls who are straight would. Even then, I did not question how I was, although I would sometimes lament why I'm not so concerned with my appearance as girls my age. That's why they got suitors, boyfriends and I didn't. I presumed they were the not-so-strong personality types and I was. And one shouldn't try to be or even present herself as someone she wasn't.

Fast forward to more or less 10 years later. I'm still in that same state as I was back then. Others my age would have changed wardrobes and would be wearing mature clothing, or else exercising more care with how they look. Hell, they'd be experts on putting on makeup and would have them on almost every day that they're out of the house. Even girls younger than me have started out earlier. And I'm the one backpacking my way in a new country, going to football practice once in a while, going surfing and getting browned and not caring one bit how I look. When going to beaches means a chance to show off that sexy bod or that cute bikini, I'd mostly be taking shots of the landscape or my companions and there wouldn't be too many pictures of me.

So what now? I'd like to think that I'm this modern, strong, independent 21st century woman. But a number of  times, being that is not enough. I've been having this recurring thought that it's high time I should be involved with someone emotionally, for the most part. Friends are different. These are the days when oh, melancholy just strikes you and you see people walking in the rain on their way home that late in the night as you. The difference is these people are sharing with each other about their day under one umbrella. Never mind the rain, or the lateness. They just look so right being together. With these many people in the world - hell, even in Metro Manila, you'd think it'd be fairly easy to find someone with whom you'll have some kind of connection.  Well, the universe has so far failed me in that respect.

Maybe it's a matter of not being the person who is, at least, ready to take on a new responsibility like that, on top of all other things. How can you have a boyfriend if your room is messy or you're usually disorganized? But didn't others start out while in high school? People weren't even mature enough back then. Perhaps the boys around here aren't looking deep enough at someone. They're mostly preoccupied by the physical appearance and wouldn't you know it, they'd probably be on an IQ/EQ level that's wholly incompatible with you because they're way below. Why don't Filipino guys like a challenge? If they think it's too much trouble, they wouldn't bother. So is that how things are and will be for the majority of educated Filipinas who are on the wrong side of media's bias on physical attractiveness? Perhaps one's environment is truly limiting. No matter how many people there are at work, if they all think the same way, then there's no hope. It seems one has to turn to foreign lands to be able to even pique someone's interest enough to talk to you. At least, over there one's got a fighting chance, even a sort of level playing field than here. Then when you've started interacting, that's when you'll be able to say if things might go somewhere. A lot of trouble as well, since I don't really intend to work anywhere overseas. Travel yes, but right now, financially things are not so feasible yet. Plus two years more of schooling, so that makes me inching into my 30s before I finally get to travel extensively, and that's if I  have the funds to begin with.

Okay so I'm painting myself a very bleak picture here. I did say before, and still think even now, that I'd be content if I never did find someone to marry. But to not experience the full force of love even for just once? That'd be a real pity. Unerwiderte Liebe (unrequited love) is so not nice, so much so if it took you a little more than a whole year before getting over the thing. It is nice to feel that way about someone, but it would be so much better for those feelings to be reciprocated. One deserves to be appreciated, loved and not just by yourself, but that is a good start. I'm sure other people who don't even really love themselves are loved by others. So why not us enlightened ones?

I could go on and on but well, nothing will come out of this. Another thing I need to add to list of things I need to focus on. But I don't really know what I should focus on. Is it putting myself out there, i.e. going to places I don't really frequent e.g. bars, clubs - to show the world that hey, I'm here, send your lackeys my way? Or is it interacting with foreigners virtually in the hopes that some of them would want to come over here and actually meet up? Priorities clash here. Why am I interested in so many things that I can't possibly fit in additional regular activities like those I mentioned? Ah, because that's who I am. No matter how I want to focus on one thing, I can't because I can't focus if that's the only thing I'm doing. I need to be engaged in other things at the same time. I work better if I know that so many things are required of me from the different aspects or activities of my life. So yeah, I guess the only answer I can give myself is to just be content with singlehood, like how I've been for the past 15 or so years. And when the longing arises, read some feel-good Dramione fics or other romance stories (however improbable they may be) and continue to be touched by heartrending scenes like when Ludo writes to Anna in ZweiOhrKüken (sequel to KeinOhrHasen or Rabbit Without Ears) because they broke up and he misses her so much and even though they were not even of the same stature and lookout in life when they met up again after being their childhood's bully and bullied pair, he is saddened and disappointed by everything that's happened but he still can't believe he won't be living his life without her. That letter and the accompanying montage had me shedding tears before I knew it, in front of my cousin who was also working on her laptop opposite me. Really, what beauty that was. It might be the movies but the message is still something. It's really touching to know someone feels about you that intensely because you're important in their life.

Well, as one famous Filipino song goes "Habang may buhay..." (translation: while one still lives). Hope. Perhaps all is not lost.

photo from http://indianfusion.aglasem.com/story/

I saw one of Jen Horn's self-reminders on her blog recently. They were timely because around that time, I was thinking along those same lines. This particular reminder from Gretchen Rubin reads

What you do EVERYDAY matters MORE than what you do once in a while.  

Indeed, I've been involved in a number of things throughout the years, and yet, I still haven't mastered enough of one thing. So it seems like it's time to strike some things out of the things I'll put my focus on.

I was on this train of thought when I got to thinking about this thing I have wanted to do since I was younger but for which I still have nothing to show for. Nope, those unfinished fanfics and Nanowrimo entries don't count. Blogs as well, for that matter, though I believe some of those blog entries were truly inspired.

So does this mean that surfing has to go? Surfing isn't so easy to do with me living in the city and the nearest waves to be found are about 3 to 6 hours away from here and even then, one can't do it the whole year round. Plus I'm busy with both school and work.

No surfing.

My soul would bleed. I can't fathom... a life without waves.



Photography, writing and some fitness regimen - these three are easier to do right now since they require equipment I already have. What remains now are the motivation to do them regularly and having proper self-management (a concept I picked up from my friend Vivian) to be able to fit them into my activities.

NO, I won't give up surfing. After reading this on Salt Gypsy's FB page, their daily inspiration courtesy of Chris Guillebeau,

Build your own reality. Decide for yourself what this reality looks like. No one is stopping you, and the next step is yours to take. 

of course, yes, truly, why would I ever? Why do I ever forget that nothing is truly impossible if you really really want it to happen? Though reality and emotions intrude every now and then, we have to keep our dreams alive. Perhaps I'll even be using a shortboard and conquering Hawaii's Pipeline someday.

My friend Ryan out to conquer more waves one June weekend in his backyard, photo by yours truly

today and the future

Bathroom Art at Today x Future | cropped version of this at instagram.com/bbhiraya

Found a new place to sample the merits of spirits while listening to good music, albeit with little to no conversation. This was the other weekend. I love the interiors. And I just realized now I've come to have a fetish for bathroom fixtures and whatnots in restos or bars or whereverelse. I bring my camera phone with me when I go pee. So here's a piece of (smart and unique!) bathroom art from the cleverly named Today x Future (read as Today Marks the Future), formerly located inside Cubao X but is now somewhere nearer to Tropical Hut/Mahattan Plaza.

That night, my best friend willingly got drunk again after how many years (I really was surprised that she's let go of her "no alcohol" stance). We had a beer each, then some of their tofu cigars and nachos. Yum! Then the mango + rum thing, which was more of a mild tasting mango shake with copious amounts of rum. She drank my last glass, so that when I was already sobering up, she was steadily going down into the depths of, well drunkenness hehe. Anyway, I loved the music then. Earlier, besides Foster the People songs, the DJ was playing 90s alternative stuff. Then the next guy had remixes. The 1979 remix was particularly trippy. That made my night. That may not completely be because it's one of my favorite songs of all time, and it is also not entirely unattributable to how much alcohol I've had. I really love the feeling of lightness, of just being in that moment of high. It's a Saturday night, and I have no date, no boyfriend, and I'm still young, yeah!

And wouldn't you know, I inadvertently had a bit of shock when I woke up sometime this week to find an SMS from a friend which I read as "... Koya just walked into the future." Talk about reality-bending. I'm still in the middle of reading Chapterhouse Dune. Walking into the future, that reads like a sci fi novel's first line that will take you, never let you go and suck you in completely. Only later that day did I finally read it correctly: "... Koya just walked in d2 future." Hihi. That line's MINE. My future sci fi story.