naiveté, idealism or optimism?

Romanticizing - they just make the event, thing or person more memorable, more pleasing to reminisce. So you have a view of things based on what you see, her and how you interpret them, only to find out later that you had it all wrong. What you thought was mutual respect and a harmonious working relationship was the furthest from reality you could get.

And so you live your life based on an assumption of reality and so your existence is some kind of hoax then, right?

Romanticizing things can only get you so far, but you'll never really know. What you have are just stylized, idyllic notions. Best for what it really is to come from the horse's mouth.

But then again, nothing is straightforward. We all cower behind the secret glances with hidden meanings, words left unsaid. So many thoughts... but without the right timing to voice, or even at the very least, express them.

So you let yourself be caught up in this game, this web, with no known beginning, and most times, without a foreseeable end (except the one your imagination concocts). And you participate, and you hope, and you get disappointed, and you share your woes, ask for insight, feel better, and get entangled again, and expect and so on. And you wonder, when will this end, is it a relatively happy ending that is in store for you? Or is it just better to not have entertained any of these thoughts and saved up all that time and energy expended on that line of thinking? You may be clueless, but perhaps, you may be happy...

At least during the small snippets of time when everything's fine and dandy. But you know things aren't always that way. That won't hold for very long.

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

Christmas this time around

there aren't many images of tropical Christmas love so here

Christmas was pleasanter this time around. Even if it wasn't the same magical thing I've come to expect, a hangover from childhood as most everyone can attest to, in some respects it was more meaningful as I came to expect goodness and time spent with people who matter to you. It wasn't much about the material things. They were just secondary to showing how much you care for your loved ones. It was the first time I've felt this way. Must be some people's penchant for giving gifts rubbing off on me. It's kinda my first time to deliberately think about what to give not just for one or two people. In the beginning, thinking about what to give kinda paralyzed me. Well, once I was at the department store and shopping with a friend, somehow the choice became a bit easier. Indeed, it was fun wrapping them up later that night, discovering ways on how to give those department store wrapping personnel a run for the money. I also managed to watch both Gegen die Wand and Solino, which would be the basis for part of our group report report for my German class. They were very well made.

It was a really good time for me, making the most of wrapping up presents and watching well-developed stories. One about trying to break away from the conservative ways of family while trying to maintain the status quo with the housemate/husband she's come to start loving and how that same love has also changed the ways of a womanizing, troublemaking drunkard who, after his time in prison is now a reformed man. It's their chance to be what they once were, now that they are mature. The other one is about a smart Italian boy who grows up in Germany amidst the family's restaurant boom. He's influenced by a filmmaker who uses their restaurant as a location, and teaches him on some basic but fundamental things. His chance for a breakthrough comes but his Mom is finally diagnosed and, after finding out her husband has been cheating on her, goes back to their old village Solino and he has no choice but to go with her. His jealous older brother then steals the chance he made for himself along with his girlfriend. It is many years later when he's got kids and is about to marry that they reconcile. However, still no hope for the father who chose to stick with his pride.

Might I point out that things were also made the more pleasanter (now that I've started this whole compare/contrast thing) because I've fully healed from whatever heartbreak I was suffering from the past year. Indeed, I was even about to cry before Noche Buena last year. Since none of those thoughts or scenes repeated themselves this year, then I can safely say that that guy did have more than an effect on me (more than healthy in fact) than I would sometimes claim. That's not to say I'm entirely immune to whatever it was that had me going for him for some time. I can't help but be ambivalent about his actions and behavior in the office given that he's not the most popular person there right now. My whole team, even my TL, don't really hold him in good regard. Same goes with some, most(?) other employees... It's like this is him and the very few who stand by him on one side, and the rest of the office is on the other side. It's that bad. And where am I? Right there in the middle. Oh, if only he could be understood and he could understand better as well. All it takes is a little consideration, methinks.

Anyway, when he went to our part of the floor earlier last night to offer the VTO and I was then standing around since I was on offline, he still managed to acknowledge me. Not that I was expecting otherwise. But he also managed to blurt out a 'happy new year' and then looking at the list he was holding, much to the amusement (?) of one of my teammates who heard him. Dare I say that somehow warmed me? That in spite of all the tension and bad blood between my team and him (my teammates jeer on him and cheer on the failures his team is experiencing), he's still recognizing our connection, dare I say it, to even greet me, in front of them. I just want to make clear that there's nothing on my end anymore. It's just the after effects of the before. And this kind of attention from someone you craved attention from before is not so unwelcome, even if there should be no kind of expectation on my part anymore. It's more like a childhood crush that won't go away, moreso because of all the good feelings that person engenders. Really. And my girlfriends have concluded that it does take a certain type of guy to have that effect on you, sometimes no matter what they did or didn't do. Mine's not exactly your usual goodlooking guy, mind you. And until someone, with a stronger effect who can make you forget about all that, comes along, you'll be stuck in this same limbo for sometime. Well, that's it. I'm just airing out my feelings for one part of this whole nasty thing that's been going on for a while, long before I even had this week-long vacation from work, and with no one to share this to... There's the excuse right there in this Christmas-related post.

tales of the vending machine

coffee-scented stamp from Brazil /
photo from https://www.facebook.com/Nescafe

There was a girl who, when she discovered the 14-peso Cafe Mocha by the office's Nescafe Vending Machine, took to it like Bethany Hamilton to surfing or men to big boobs, sugar level at two (maximum is five). She loved to pair it with some discounted Triple Choco Boom from Country Style, available at the office building's ground floor two hours before closing. That was chocolate heaven, and the almost bitter, not-so-sweet Cafe Mocha complemented it well. There would be times when she needed some heat (the office AC was too cold) or some wake-me-up (she hadn't had enough sleep). Times like these, she was headed to the chill lounge at the other side of the office floor to have her brief fill of that delicious, hot, brown liquid. Then she'll be set for the rest of the shift.

There was a time when said girl had no coins with her, unable to foresee that she may need said delicious, hot, brown liquid before her lunch break. The machine was picky with the P20 bills (should be the old edition and then a bit worn), and well, she simply had none on her that time. So she borrowed coins from the teammate sitting beside her. Then when she finally got her money, decided to pay her. Said teammate refused; said she'll just get it when time came that she needed the money. So pocket the money the girl did.

Some days after, she was psyched up to drink a cup of said delicious, hot, brown liquid when teammate piped up, I need my money now. Of course, she had no choice but to fork over those coins - the only coins she had on her to be able to drink drink that brew at her upcoming break. So move the coffee drinking time she did to her lunch break.

Lunch break came and she was finally able to drink said sought-after brew after a trip back to her locker two floors up. While still savoring the rest of her free unpaid time, Kras Nummer drei came in and went straight to said vendo machine, by which she was seated. Said Kras inserted his P20 bill, machine promptly ate it up and coughed it out immediately. He looked to her and asked whether she had change. As it turns out, after buying various stuff for her lunch she did have. It was P1 shy of what he had though, but he said it was okay. So exchange money they did. And he got his brew, thanked her and went on his way back to the floor.

A few moments later, Kras Nummer eins came sauntering in. There were a few people by the vendo, still awaiting their own brew. Girl was looking straight ahead at the glass window to the scene in front of her, though they were only buildings. Kras Nummer eins, in his striped polo and semi-slacks, hadn't recognized her yet as her back was to him, but when he looked at the window as well, made eye contact with her and waved at her reflection; she waved back. No words exchanged. People finally vacated the vendo machine and he inserted his P20 bill, which machine promptly spat back out. It's not recorded who spoke first, but they exchanged comments about the vendo machine's caprice. She mentioned that the new edition bills weren't usually accepted; he said it usually has to be crumpled a bit first, with a bit of boasting in his part. So crumple his bill he did, to no avail. She remembered she still had another bill in her pocket, not the one Kras Nummer drei exchanged with her, and gave it to Kras Nummer eins. He apologized for the crumpled bill, took hers, and successfully had his brew. Flirting she was not, but enjoy the exchange she did, loudly replying to his thanks as he exited the lounge, while others she did not know were still inside the room.

And thus it was that the first vendo machine incident gave rise to this encounter with Kras Nummern eins und drei und sie war sehr glückich. Kras Nummer zwei she hadn't encountered at said vendo before. But she'll be fine with just having more encounters with Nummer eins at said vendo.


Note: originally started/thought about writing this am der 18. Oktober 2012.