the problem of you

It's going to be almost a year. And there you still are, boggling my mind - revisiting old encounters, making me analyze different dimensions to what was, what is and what could be, wishing, hoping, becoming desperate but unable to do anything, toying with the idea of recklessly allowing my heart to rule over my head if a chance presents itself, accepting what is and knowing that things could not be, and then going through this cycle all over again.

Never had a person had such a claim over my heart and my head with such intensity for so long a time as you have been. And yet, you are out of reach. And then lately, I find myself boggled once more. My resolve is broken to not expect anymore. Tantalizing hints... what is it that you know? Is it time that I confront you? Yet, I look at your profile and the little heart shape by your name makes my world come crashing down once again. I should know better already.  Right now, it says Verheiratet, like how it had stood ever since you promptly approved my contact request crushing my ideal view of a first love.

I say love, but do I really know what the darned thing means? All I know is that I wish for you to pay me more attention everyday. But once out of sight, out of mind as is popularly said. That's true also. And then you unintentionally (or intentionally?) make your presence felt and I'm troubled/hopeful/depressed all over again. Hell, you've been the topic of three posts and counting here. Talk about hogging my imagination.

I need a distraction. Something that would overpower your influence. Like a boyfriend. That'd be neat.

.
.
.
.
.

Seriously, I want one.

And after I came alive last night talking to Joyce about her luck in life finding two sources of love one after another and easily downing two bottles of beer (I have never done that before - I don't like beer), spilling what no one would otherwise hear from me on a normal day (she was even surprised calling it a revelation and she already knows a lot about me and you and this), that just seems to be the logical thing left to solve the problem of you. See, I've even found a sort of moniker for it.

Universe, won't you conspire with me on this one? Just once please, for my turning 26?

They say be careful what you wish for, and with the matters of the heart, Ich glaube, dass das treu ist (I believe that's true). And like everything else, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. Like how I'm crossing this bridge now and the only solution other than recklessly giving you my heart only for you to fling it to the sharks to feed on is this, someone who'll make me forget and move on.

beauty and selflessnes in a song

Ever since I watched Glee's Mercedes Jones rendering a wonderful version of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You last Friday, I haven't been able to get the song out of my mind. I'm familiar with this as a difficult birit song for talented singers but beyond that and the movie The Bodyguard, I wasn't fond of it at all.  I also never had someone influence me to like Whitney, so I wasn't a fan. (Though it still is a bit unnerving that the famous people you knew while you were still young and who ought to still be there as you grow older are leaving earth earlier than they should be. Whitney is still pretty young at 48. So was MJ. They both had more to offer.)




So when I saw the video from Glee, it immediately had my full attention since it wasn't only flaunting the actress' (who plays Mercedes) singing chops but also there was a love angle that was not the usual (and which I wasn't expecting) but nevertheless, it's one of the elements of a good love story (at least for moi, since I'm a sucker for romance, and well, there's just certain twists or situations that resonate strongly with me). And the whole time I was marveling at the simplicity and beauty of the lyrics.

When you love someone unconditionally, you would do what's best for that person.

If I should stay
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know 
 I'll think of you every step of the way

But still, you will never stop loving that person.

And I will always love you
I will always love you
You, my darling you, Hmm

So you're saying goodbye because it's for the best.

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I will always love you
I will always love you

And when she got to this next part, I felt that this song was so beautiful and so right. For me at least, this would be the song I'd be singing right now for a certain someone, in particular this last verse. It's so selfless to say that:

I hope life treats you kind 
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish to you, joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love


Imagine loving someone so much that you couldn't get enough of that person, but since things are not meant to be, you willingly let go of him. And you also wish that person all that you would wish for him if you were together. That's genuine love. Sorry if I seem too naive or idealistic with all these love words I couldn't find synonyms for right now. But this simple thing is very powerful and very beautiful for me. Sacrifices are not easy to make but they are needed. To sacrifice for someone else is even more admirable. We naturally gravitate towards the things we like or want to have but to deliberately wean one's self away from that which gives you the greatestt happiness, that is just too hard to bear. But it's a difficulty one must suffer for you are thinking of that other's best interests. That's why love is so heartbreaking but still so great.

While Mercedes was singing that last verse, right when I realized what the words meant, I also imagined myself saying (or haha singing) that to him. It was like I've had those same unacknowledged thoughts at the back of my head, they've been there all along, but it's only now that I discovered those words and they fit perfectly with how I feel towards him. I believe things are not meant to be and I am ready to let go. I sincerely hope that things will turn out for the best for him, but nevertheless, inspite of my non-success in this part of my life, I somehow think that


And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you



Rest in peace, Whitney.

things I wish you knew | buntong-hininga chronicles...01

I was looking for someone else and then I saw you. And a thought popped into my head unbidden. You looked a bit lonely. Or else, tired of what's going on, just waiting for your shift to finish. I thought, I ought to talk to you tonight, before I leave for home - a thought I've been entertaining during my down days. And it never left me. Not once did I think that I should do it some other day, never did put the idea to rest. I racked my brain for a topic. Hell, I was even about to go with going to you about to ask, then feigning forgetfulness just to have the chance to talk to you for a while. Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to that. And when I did it, I couldn't imagine that feigning forgetfulness would seem believable.

My eyes roamed around - at you, at the cigarette by the keyboard (and how I like it that you don't reek of smoke and cig like other smokers do), your light olive green sweater, the navy blue piece of cloth on your desk, the blue nike lanyard you have always worn, the growth of hair on your chin,  your longish hair compared to the shaved look you have every so often, the ear piercing that you usually have on. And I do ask sensible questions. You do know a lot, dear sir. Of course, what else would I expect, right? That's why I came to ask you specifically about that.

And dare I say I was lucky to approach you at the right time. A few minutes more and you'll be going on your lunch break. So hopefully, a longer time to talk. And also better since you still had more things to say on the topic.

It was just a normal conversation. I wasn't feeling anything unusual or out of the ordinary. So I was thinking, what prompted me to do this was just an illusion or a delusion I liked myself having. I waited for you to go out for lunch. So I've confirmed that the tattoo on your nape wasn't circular like the two others I know you have but triangular. Fact safely filed away. It's been awhile since we've walked together, or even talked that long. A  r e a l l y   l o n g  w h i l e .

We wrapped up our discussion. I remember feeling cold because my hands were cold. But I don't sense anything from you, nothing of the kind that would give me some incentive to hold on to these thoughts or feelings of mine. Just someone with the benefit of knowledge and experience sharing information with a friend. At this point, I kind of say to myself 'this is it - I should stop this now'. Stop feeling what you unwittingly opened up in me that one fateful day in April. Why did it have to be me of all people? Why did it have to be YOU of all people?

So we parted ways - you to your lunch, I to my locker. As I was retrieving my backpack from the rack, I suddenly felt how hot it was. I was even sweating a little. But I remembered that earlier, my hands were still so very cold. I haven't had this kind of reaction before. So yeah, it's confirmed. Attraction still there, even though I no longer get all riled up (kilig) when I encounter you. Is it that my brain has processed and internalised my feelings and also my chances in the current situation that it has logically told my body to behave normally, like I'm not some (pardon the term) lovestruck person finally talking to the object of my feelings?

So what now? I guess there's nothing to do but wait it out. There's no use hoping. One thing I know for sure: the attraction has not waned. It may have even gotten stronger. Daydreaming has gotten a bit frequent too, even extending the scenario to the point where you'd realize your feelings towards her and towards me.

If only you'd realize how long and how often you dominate my thoughts... Isn't it amazing that one spends so much time thinking this much about one person and that person doesn't even give a single damn about you? I even connect things so far removed from you to you. Like now, I'm watching/listening to a bald guy singing with an acoustic guitar. You and Billy Corgan...? Yeah, that's my sad reality.

I do hope someone new comes along who'd take my mind off of you, but hopefully, not in vain, too.