closure time?

Some days are like today - when your thoughts are a spillover from yesterday's, your mind is going over the same thing over and over again, that thing that inadvertently causes you to retreat into yourself, wallow in the sadness and shun any kind of contact, which you know usually leads you to feel better. After all, distraction is the best solution. But you're having none of it. In fact, what caused all this brouhaha was just an assumption of yours. What if that wasn't really the case, yeah? But then you're too stubborn, too full of pride and mindful of the mind games that people play to take the plunge and ask the questions.

.......

After years of that song in your consciousness, it's only now that the message clicked. Of course, why would it then? But without thinking to, you find it's what you actually need...

No regrets 
'Coz I'm doing this for myself
Now I'm letting you go 
Even if you were never mine to hold 

So I have to say 
"This ends today"
'Coz I gotta stop crying
Yes I gotta start living baby 

Although I have to say 
You're the best mistake that I made
So I'm leaving this situation
Thank you for the sensations 

And you begin to wonder, ne Makopa, who said those lines eh? Cause you knew those guys at one point in your life.


.......

The thing is, are you ready to finally make true what you've been thinking for weeks, months probably? Are you finally making this decision and sticking to it?

You say it's just a phase. Normally you wouldn't be feeling like this. So then, would you put up with these moments when you've got nothing to distract you and all those emotions are weighing you down?  I wonder what will trigger you to make a final decision.

It's hard to make a decision though with only half of the facts. You're courteous enough to give him a chnce to explain, not unlike in your daydreams of your own hurt/love story. You're itching to know what he thinks...maybe you should start from there?

This is a most convoluted thing.  So, time for some closure then?

two-day reverie

Yesterday I've had some three paragraphs filled with sadness, rejection and reevaluation which I forgot to save given I was using an app to type it up. Needless to say when I woke up, everything was gone. I couldn't try to recall everything since I still had classes to go to, and I'm already running late because I let my emotions overwhelm me. In the bath. When I had to prepare for my class.

Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of classes this semester for most people attending this school in Diliman. So after my classes, there was an opportunity for tambay with friends I haven't had much opportunity to spend time with the rest of this semester, and I had the opportunity to hash my thoughts and feelings out to a willing listener. And as I related my take on what has happened and, I guess, is still happening, what I just had as an idea in my head became clear and sure to me.

Yesterday was characterized by longing, sadness and eventually, annoyance, and today is like a clean slate. What happened yesterday? Is it finally a cleansing, an acceptance? That which was just a hunch, a product of my intuition is now an accepted fact? I can't be too glad of this change in perspective. It is welcome, since this is what I endeavored to achieve the moment I started to distance myself from these thoughts and that person for which I have no assurance about. But is changing one's perspective really that easy? I find myself hesitant to call this a closed topic because I am not sure if I'll be plagued by more unsure, sad thoughts days or weeks from now. Maybe I've just had enough venting out yesterday that today, it just seems like I'm fine and dandy (unaffected even as I viewed the pics on his FB profile, which, I realize do a lot to win me over). Add that to the fact that I' just unimpressed and slightly annoyed at how yesterday's conversation with the subject of yesterday's sharing turned out.

So today, I can't celebrate, not just yet. There's a finality when I say things are definitely over, though that's how I feel things are like. Still I can't be too hopeful. Like with most things, I will wait it out. A little more patience, trying not to overanalyze things. And finish what I'm supposed to be doing. Deadlines, dear. And if this doesn't pan out as how you initially wanted it to, cry, yearn, but don't forget - it wasn't meant to be because there will be someone else. Of course, this is me lecturing myself after reading a feel-good teenage highschool romance. Life... it's just like that. It's the moments when you're in the presence of something great that you feel you're on the verge of having something good, but before anything happens, it's gone and the loss of it is heartbreaking. But I will survive. I've already encountered this before. This will just be step up, and a learning experience.

Still neutral. Good, I guess. One can't be numb forever though.