two-day reverie

Yesterday I've had some three paragraphs filled with sadness, rejection and reevaluation which I forgot to save given I was using an app to type it up. Needless to say when I woke up, everything was gone. I couldn't try to recall everything since I still had classes to go to, and I'm already running late because I let my emotions overwhelm me. In the bath. When I had to prepare for my class.

Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of classes this semester for most people attending this school in Diliman. So after my classes, there was an opportunity for tambay with friends I haven't had much opportunity to spend time with the rest of this semester, and I had the opportunity to hash my thoughts and feelings out to a willing listener. And as I related my take on what has happened and, I guess, is still happening, what I just had as an idea in my head became clear and sure to me.

Yesterday was characterized by longing, sadness and eventually, annoyance, and today is like a clean slate. What happened yesterday? Is it finally a cleansing, an acceptance? That which was just a hunch, a product of my intuition is now an accepted fact? I can't be too glad of this change in perspective. It is welcome, since this is what I endeavored to achieve the moment I started to distance myself from these thoughts and that person for which I have no assurance about. But is changing one's perspective really that easy? I find myself hesitant to call this a closed topic because I am not sure if I'll be plagued by more unsure, sad thoughts days or weeks from now. Maybe I've just had enough venting out yesterday that today, it just seems like I'm fine and dandy (unaffected even as I viewed the pics on his FB profile, which, I realize do a lot to win me over). Add that to the fact that I' just unimpressed and slightly annoyed at how yesterday's conversation with the subject of yesterday's sharing turned out.

So today, I can't celebrate, not just yet. There's a finality when I say things are definitely over, though that's how I feel things are like. Still I can't be too hopeful. Like with most things, I will wait it out. A little more patience, trying not to overanalyze things. And finish what I'm supposed to be doing. Deadlines, dear. And if this doesn't pan out as how you initially wanted it to, cry, yearn, but don't forget - it wasn't meant to be because there will be someone else. Of course, this is me lecturing myself after reading a feel-good teenage highschool romance. Life... it's just like that. It's the moments when you're in the presence of something great that you feel you're on the verge of having something good, but before anything happens, it's gone and the loss of it is heartbreaking. But I will survive. I've already encountered this before. This will just be step up, and a learning experience.

Still neutral. Good, I guess. One can't be numb forever though. 

today and the future

Bathroom Art at Today x Future | cropped version of this at instagram.com/bbhiraya

Found a new place to sample the merits of spirits while listening to good music, albeit with little to no conversation. This was the other weekend. I love the interiors. And I just realized now I've come to have a fetish for bathroom fixtures and whatnots in restos or bars or whereverelse. I bring my camera phone with me when I go pee. So here's a piece of (smart and unique!) bathroom art from the cleverly named Today x Future (read as Today Marks the Future), formerly located inside Cubao X but is now somewhere nearer to Tropical Hut/Mahattan Plaza.

That night, my best friend willingly got drunk again after how many years (I really was surprised that she's let go of her "no alcohol" stance). We had a beer each, then some of their tofu cigars and nachos. Yum! Then the mango + rum thing, which was more of a mild tasting mango shake with copious amounts of rum. She drank my last glass, so that when I was already sobering up, she was steadily going down into the depths of, well drunkenness hehe. Anyway, I loved the music then. Earlier, besides Foster the People songs, the DJ was playing 90s alternative stuff. Then the next guy had remixes. The 1979 remix was particularly trippy. That made my night. That may not completely be because it's one of my favorite songs of all time, and it is also not entirely unattributable to how much alcohol I've had. I really love the feeling of lightness, of just being in that moment of high. It's a Saturday night, and I have no date, no boyfriend, and I'm still young, yeah!

And wouldn't you know, I inadvertently had a bit of shock when I woke up sometime this week to find an SMS from a friend which I read as "... Koya just walked into the future." Talk about reality-bending. I'm still in the middle of reading Chapterhouse Dune. Walking into the future, that reads like a sci fi novel's first line that will take you, never let you go and suck you in completely. Only later that day did I finally read it correctly: "... Koya just walked in d2 future." Hihi. That line's MINE. My future sci fi story.

pasta-centric and crazy days

An early birthday surprise from my penpal in Germany -
a photo she took in  Barcelona and a card she made herself

Life does never seem to fail one who has the right disposition. I'm talking mainly about myself and how I had imagined that this year would be a step back in the celebration of my turning a year older. I thought to start a tradition last year that my birthdays would from then on be celebrated away from where I reside, namely Quezon City. I've lived here for the past 10 years now this coming May, since I started my freshman year in university - the first six years within or near the vicinity of the university and the last four years still a bit nearby, at least two jeepney rides away from school.

Before last year, I often just ate out with friends or siblings to celebrate 3rds of March. And I don't know when turning a year older lost its novelty. Must be one of those times when I had much to do, seeing as March marks the end of the semester, and when my birthday comes, I'd be deep in requirements or exams. There was even one birthday when I had Chemistry exams, even though it was a Sunday. To break off the monotony, I went with my best friend to Tagaytay, I place I've heard so much about but have never set foot on. I had meant to top that off this year with a surf trip to Baler. This time, not only staying overnight but for two nights.

Well... studies did have to strike again. My inability to go was mainly spurred by the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, and had I actually taken the time that I took off from the supposed teambuilding the other weekend to work on the report, I wouldn't have had to cancel on my surfing plans. So everything is still my fault. So much for going surfing once every month until the end of the surf season. So I put off my surfing photos... And will soon get that digiperm I had wanted to have since last year.

I didn't really mean to celebrate early. But it was the Friday night that I was supposed to be going to Baler, and a good friend just turned a year older that week as well, the 25th of February. So why not celebrate our birthdays together, midway between the two dates? We went to a place I've wanted to try for a long time now, Bellini's in Cubao. I had a creamy seafood pesto, she had their puttanesca, and we shared a salami-topped pizza, capped off by some sweet wine. Lovely meal. We were even able to watch the owner in action - still very Italian after all these years in the Philippines.

The next evening, I schemed with another friend whom I haven't talked to for quite a while now, since we already have different work schedules. We went to another place I've never tried before - Banapple. They have huge servings for the same cost than in other pasta places. We were both so full even if we haven't finished our main courses yet, and we each still had one slice of cake to eat. I tried out their Apple Pie - sehr lecker! They used actual apple slices, and not mashed up ones that you just know would contain something else than apple. Then it was another first for me as I welcomed my birthday with alcohol. I only told my friend I was celebrating my birthday once we entered the grounds of Cubao X. There, I guess in hindsight, I could say that I should be careful about what I wish for for I just might get it. I did have this ongoing theme of what one of my friends could give me for my birthday. Well, when I thought about it later, there it was. And until now, I'm still not decided on it. I had a detached sort of objective view about it, but I've never really fully revisited it to form a definitive reaction and decision.

I decided to actually have some food for my birthday at home, which I never did before. It was all part of a good vibe (which temporarily faltered - another story for another time) I had going and I got to sustain it so I pushed through with it. After having three hours of sleep and some breakfast, I finalized my plan without telling my housemates why I was doing it. Only my siblings knew, and I had already texted my sister who is living in Manila to come by for snacks. I had planned on having pizza, pasta and nachos, not realizing that I've already had pasta for two consecutive days before this. Well, pasta has been a mainstay for birthdays - my mom cooked spaghetti with meat sauce everytime we had birthdays at home. So as the bulk of the foodstuffs, it was inevitable. I bought the ingredients after lunch. My older cousin came with me, and instead of nachos, we just bought a big bag of tortilla chips with lime flavor, and then opted for cake. Now, when the word cake came to me, I immediately thought about Conti's Mango Bravo. I was shocked by the price, but nevertheless went on with it because I had a good feeling about it, even though I last ate this many years ago.


Well, the celebrations didn't stop there. I had a date with two good friends to watch Silver Linings Playbook. I was intrigued by this movie title last January when that was what I got for charades at a party - which, when my groupmates got correctly really made me ecstatic, since I'm not really good at acting out things for people to guess about. I saw on an ad though, that the film won some awards. And it didn't look like a really serious film, nothing like the likes of Inception or the Departed (pardon the very old films - I'm no longer updated these days). So off did I watch it without any expectations. And I loved it! We were laughing at almost every turn. Of course, if that was happening to me or someone I know, it would be very frustrating indeed. How about if not only one, but your husband and two sons were suffering from some sort of mental illness as well? I can't even begin to imagine... The treatment is just lovely! We laugh at the inanity of it all, but still, we're there rooting for the characters to rise above it all. (And hullo, Bradley Cooper! I didn't know you before but glad to know you now, haha!) So I believe it's now one of my favorite films. Some of the lines that really made me laugh out loud:

  The first time they meet

B. Cooper: You look nice. 
J. Lawrence: Thank you. 
B. Cooper: Oh, I'm not flirting with you. 
J. Lawrence: Oh, I didn't think you were. 
B. Cooper: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die? [Lawrence looks shocked and sad] 
--> This after being reminded to not ask her about how her husband died. 

    Lawrence starting to teach Cooper how to dance

J. Lawrence: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
B. Cooper: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
J. Lawrence: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
B. Cooper: I don't feel anything.

Oh, another side note: Julia Stiles is way mature here - with kids and eyebags and a propensity to dismiss the little things. Whereas a few weeks ago, I just saw her on 10 Things I Hate About You at the office's Valentine presentation. Talk about the realization that you're finally old!

Oh yeah, I had pesto a few days afterward as well. Still had some leftover pasta from the big birthday cookout and the pesto sauce that I wasn't able to use then. And the aroma of pesto sauce -- it just gets to me! It's addicting, couldn't get enough of it! One of the reasons why I would so like to live in Italy.

So what was it about disposition that I was talking about? Well, a healthy sense of self and reality enables one to turn disappointments and downtimes into one of the best times or memories of one's life. Think about it.

a most enlightening Friday with friends

Friday,
a prelude to better things to come - 
namely a weekend
of sport or adventure,
catching up with friends, 
eating out,
meeting new people, 
historical and photogrpahy delights - 
before plunging into another week of work and school.

So it was futsal Friday, and then it became Friuli Friday, so that in its entirety, it was friendship Friday.

It's been awhile since I hit the courts of Maginhawa with FC Sikad members, and the other day was a good time as any to make it into a regular habit. My accuracy in passing was off, I made defensive mistakes and didn't overlap enough to make the most of the attacks instigated by our talented midfielder Atet; but I wasn't as out of breath as I thought I'd be, and I've made some lucky saves when I was on goal. That's enough for now, after maybe a year of non-practice or any other physical activity that involves running. I did leave an hour earlier because I'm due to meet with friends. But I hope to see the guys and gals again next week.

I've been craving for pizza for a few days now, and had my first taste of it before I went to futsal practice. It was just a slice; and I've already agreed with Fati and Joyce that we're going to Friuli that day - Fati misses their pasta, and I've been craving for some pizza for a few days now and the price at Friuli never hurts even if you order both and more. There were only three of us and about five plates of food laid out on our wee table.

Pizza Marinara at Friuli Trattoria

Joyce had Spaghetti al Pesto and the Buono Verdure pizza (both for vegetarians) while between Fati and I, we shared a Marinara pizza, Spaghetti a la Puttanesca and ravioli. Suffice it to say that we were already quite filled up even when only half of the stuff was gone. Everything was a good choice, except maybe for the ravioli. This was also my second time trying out their Marinara, and it's still as good as ever. I love the combination of saltiness and sweetness - nothing overpowering the other. And at P195 for eight slices, it's a steal. I also like their pesto sauce better than most of the others I've tried in malls. True pesto sauce is made from olive oil, and I don't appreciate my pesto being too dry. It was over these that we've taken turns regaling tales about yes, the male species that are coloring our lives at the moment. It's a good thing they're open until 2 am. It has only been about two weeks since we last saw each other, and then there were all these things happening. It's a good thing we didn't need to hurry and we had all the time to finish our stories.


We were walking back to Philcoa to catch our respective rides home, when the conversation turned to stuff about relationships - which is more important, dedication or passion, and the like, and when Fati invited us to have a round or two of beer at Sarah's, we obliged. After all, we've never drunk together before, so in the spirit of spontaneity, we made a go at it. And I did remark earlier in the evening that kwentuhans become better with alcohol involved. That's what happened the last time I was at Sarah's. And I guess it works the other way around as well; kuwentuhan makes downing beer a lot easier. Or maybe it's because I've developed some tolerance for the bitter taste through the years (which is a bit improbable given that I've rarely had beer when I used to go out regularly with another trio of people).

I decided to try something new, and had the Super Dry with Fati. And we asked questions about ourselves, and what we want to have in our relationships (two of us are so-called NBSBs), and Joyce had inputs from a spiritual and communal mindset while Fati had inputs from an anthrological perspective. It was all so enlightening.

stripped the label off my bottle of Super Dry

It's a good thing when you realize certain things about yourself during the course of the conversations. I did bring up my dream lifestyle in a previous post. I'll be living with my little one in a house by the surf. And I just realized and/or proclaimed with finality on the13th of a July Friday night that my ultimate dream is becoming a mom. Since that post, I've had this image in my mind of me holding a toddler looking out our window to the sea. It's something that I'm sure of, but I never really knew where it came from. It started out as a concept. And it evolved into that image. And that's my ultimate dream, because by then, I'm thinking I've done all the other things I want to do.

And so with some more banter (i.e. them telling me that a guy (married and with a kid at that) doesn't text you from afternoon till midnight for nothing) and other revelations over a second bottle and Joyce's first, we ended the Friday night knowing more about each other. Just like the last time, we were one of the last ones to leave - the caretakers have already cleaned up the other tables. 

Joyce's light and my first time trying out the 'Tatay Beer' with Fati

It's a good thing I have these two ladies to have these kinds of talks with. I just realized now where Joyce got the name Ladies' Talk which is what she calls our regular meetups. 

I do hope to make some advances on the relationship front, if I may be so bold to declare. 

But what counts more is having these ladies to share stories with until we grow old and have achieved what we set out to do. 

photo diary - random

from somwhere in the tumblrverse

photo by moi, 01.07.2012 - for Project 365

#7. an open space in the 3rd floor, a playful young man, some loose firepowder, a new camera ready to shoot

photo by moi, effects by Little Photo for Android

vintage is <3 <3 <3 

waiting for a friend to show up. had nothing but my self and this new photo app on my android to work with. gazing out at the glass windows of 7-11, decided to shoot. ah...

sign on one of the dividers in a surf cafe in San Juan, La Union

indeed, brah!

from Down Under I think, featured in Liquid Salt mag

woah! to the nth power

Joyce and Clem
sharing about life decisions in the dim comforts of Sarah's Friday night crowd, booze, tofu and cheese sticks

the alcohol and nostalgia getting to me, I think, after insights on the filmmaking life and oneself

MV Logos Hope, 03.11.2012

on the other side - Manila Hotel and Superferry - seeing H U G E ships up close for the first time

Canadian MV Logos Hope crew member making shaped balloon toys for kids, a nifty skill