looking at the same things the other way around

thoughts running through my head on the bus earlier

- how even though i've managed to avoid looking at k for the past week, he still looks at me. is it that he's wanting to incite the same thing we used to do? both times i've noticed when i came back from the 24th floor via the stairs. last sunday i was in a dress. today, well the top button of the gray coverup was open and i'm not sure if any cleavage is being shown. both times i was in heels. and it's not like he tried to avert his gaze soon after. oh no. it was I who did that. and yet earlier, he was crying out how he spent the weekend with his girlfriend in antipolo. what the eff... and so, even though i've resolved to ignore him, or whatever it was, it gets me thinking again... digging up pieces of evidence that suggest something else

- thinking about touch, and what it means. did me allowing e to hold my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, hell, letting him kiss me on the cheek equate to me wanting to do more of that? am i much too forward for having done that for the past two meetups, and both in the confines of the taxi? it's not like it's our first "date" but it did seem like our first after the long hiatus. or is it the anticipation of something else that has me warming up to the idea of touch? hearing him wet his lips - did he think maybe he wanted to take it further? what would I do next time, if ever he did try something? will i indulge him, myself? should i do more when he holds my hand - i.e. squeeze, make more contact possible?

- how will i handle being in a relationship with him? he's not the alpha male type, and i have a tendency to take control of things... will i be dominant? what happens when they have gigs? when he falls sick? i can see myself doing what my friend used to do.

- how before none of these concerns would be taking up a lot of my thinking time, but now, there's not only 1 but 2 characters in there, sometimes 3 or 4... the things that change as you grow older

pasta-centric and crazy days

An early birthday surprise from my penpal in Germany -
a photo she took in  Barcelona and a card she made herself

Life does never seem to fail one who has the right disposition. I'm talking mainly about myself and how I had imagined that this year would be a step back in the celebration of my turning a year older. I thought to start a tradition last year that my birthdays would from then on be celebrated away from where I reside, namely Quezon City. I've lived here for the past 10 years now this coming May, since I started my freshman year in university - the first six years within or near the vicinity of the university and the last four years still a bit nearby, at least two jeepney rides away from school.

Before last year, I often just ate out with friends or siblings to celebrate 3rds of March. And I don't know when turning a year older lost its novelty. Must be one of those times when I had much to do, seeing as March marks the end of the semester, and when my birthday comes, I'd be deep in requirements or exams. There was even one birthday when I had Chemistry exams, even though it was a Sunday. To break off the monotony, I went with my best friend to Tagaytay, I place I've heard so much about but have never set foot on. I had meant to top that off this year with a surf trip to Baler. This time, not only staying overnight but for two nights.

Well... studies did have to strike again. My inability to go was mainly spurred by the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, and had I actually taken the time that I took off from the supposed teambuilding the other weekend to work on the report, I wouldn't have had to cancel on my surfing plans. So everything is still my fault. So much for going surfing once every month until the end of the surf season. So I put off my surfing photos... And will soon get that digiperm I had wanted to have since last year.

I didn't really mean to celebrate early. But it was the Friday night that I was supposed to be going to Baler, and a good friend just turned a year older that week as well, the 25th of February. So why not celebrate our birthdays together, midway between the two dates? We went to a place I've wanted to try for a long time now, Bellini's in Cubao. I had a creamy seafood pesto, she had their puttanesca, and we shared a salami-topped pizza, capped off by some sweet wine. Lovely meal. We were even able to watch the owner in action - still very Italian after all these years in the Philippines.

The next evening, I schemed with another friend whom I haven't talked to for quite a while now, since we already have different work schedules. We went to another place I've never tried before - Banapple. They have huge servings for the same cost than in other pasta places. We were both so full even if we haven't finished our main courses yet, and we each still had one slice of cake to eat. I tried out their Apple Pie - sehr lecker! They used actual apple slices, and not mashed up ones that you just know would contain something else than apple. Then it was another first for me as I welcomed my birthday with alcohol. I only told my friend I was celebrating my birthday once we entered the grounds of Cubao X. There, I guess in hindsight, I could say that I should be careful about what I wish for for I just might get it. I did have this ongoing theme of what one of my friends could give me for my birthday. Well, when I thought about it later, there it was. And until now, I'm still not decided on it. I had a detached sort of objective view about it, but I've never really fully revisited it to form a definitive reaction and decision.

I decided to actually have some food for my birthday at home, which I never did before. It was all part of a good vibe (which temporarily faltered - another story for another time) I had going and I got to sustain it so I pushed through with it. After having three hours of sleep and some breakfast, I finalized my plan without telling my housemates why I was doing it. Only my siblings knew, and I had already texted my sister who is living in Manila to come by for snacks. I had planned on having pizza, pasta and nachos, not realizing that I've already had pasta for two consecutive days before this. Well, pasta has been a mainstay for birthdays - my mom cooked spaghetti with meat sauce everytime we had birthdays at home. So as the bulk of the foodstuffs, it was inevitable. I bought the ingredients after lunch. My older cousin came with me, and instead of nachos, we just bought a big bag of tortilla chips with lime flavor, and then opted for cake. Now, when the word cake came to me, I immediately thought about Conti's Mango Bravo. I was shocked by the price, but nevertheless went on with it because I had a good feeling about it, even though I last ate this many years ago.


Well, the celebrations didn't stop there. I had a date with two good friends to watch Silver Linings Playbook. I was intrigued by this movie title last January when that was what I got for charades at a party - which, when my groupmates got correctly really made me ecstatic, since I'm not really good at acting out things for people to guess about. I saw on an ad though, that the film won some awards. And it didn't look like a really serious film, nothing like the likes of Inception or the Departed (pardon the very old films - I'm no longer updated these days). So off did I watch it without any expectations. And I loved it! We were laughing at almost every turn. Of course, if that was happening to me or someone I know, it would be very frustrating indeed. How about if not only one, but your husband and two sons were suffering from some sort of mental illness as well? I can't even begin to imagine... The treatment is just lovely! We laugh at the inanity of it all, but still, we're there rooting for the characters to rise above it all. (And hullo, Bradley Cooper! I didn't know you before but glad to know you now, haha!) So I believe it's now one of my favorite films. Some of the lines that really made me laugh out loud:

  The first time they meet

B. Cooper: You look nice. 
J. Lawrence: Thank you. 
B. Cooper: Oh, I'm not flirting with you. 
J. Lawrence: Oh, I didn't think you were. 
B. Cooper: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die? [Lawrence looks shocked and sad] 
--> This after being reminded to not ask her about how her husband died. 

    Lawrence starting to teach Cooper how to dance

J. Lawrence: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
B. Cooper: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
J. Lawrence: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
B. Cooper: I don't feel anything.

Oh, another side note: Julia Stiles is way mature here - with kids and eyebags and a propensity to dismiss the little things. Whereas a few weeks ago, I just saw her on 10 Things I Hate About You at the office's Valentine presentation. Talk about the realization that you're finally old!

Oh yeah, I had pesto a few days afterward as well. Still had some leftover pasta from the big birthday cookout and the pesto sauce that I wasn't able to use then. And the aroma of pesto sauce -- it just gets to me! It's addicting, couldn't get enough of it! One of the reasons why I would so like to live in Italy.

So what was it about disposition that I was talking about? Well, a healthy sense of self and reality enables one to turn disappointments and downtimes into one of the best times or memories of one's life. Think about it.