Out of fear for myself, I just have to let this out.
I've never been so one-track minded as i am now.
The whole idea has taken over me, invading my waking thoughts. with my hyperactive imagination, I've envisioned countless scenarios, new situations springing up in my head everytime the day brings something new to my limited arsenal of facts or evidence, or else some realization I'm having regarding the current situation. When I'm not preoccupied with it, my mind strays to it and before long, I've more than a healthy amount of daydreams/stories to account for what went on in my afternoons before going to work, or else the time when I just woke up.
And this is pretty frustrating. Can't think of anything else, I'm obsessed. There came a point that I lost all sense of direction, and was just mindlessly waiting for the next thing to happen. It's the newness of this thing, and the fact that I do want it - not just because it is something new for me, but also, I do want to share myself with someone else.
One-track minded as I was, I have gone into this quite mindlessly, sacrificing a few things, my physical well-being being one, my sense of self another, letting my life dangle on a thread waiting for his next move.
Besides this at times frustrating feeling of being in limbo, there's the belief that if you want something badly enough, the universe will conspire for you to get it. So does that mean i'm not even up to any level in wanting anything - this! - badly, that the universe doesn't help me get what I want? This is just a matter related to myself, of course. I've never really wanted anything so badly like this, i think. Maybe that's it, because i want it really bad, i should be doing more than just sitting here, waiting. Make a move perhaps?
Ah but that's where life failed to equip me. no experience at all. I may not even be projecting the right body language, or the right whatever it is... i don't want to devolve this into like a sort of game. There are tricks of the trade true, but that's not me. I prefer things to be true. Of course, there's one friend who quoted Paolo Coelho saying "The game of seduction is something that awakens the best in us. Don't feel guilty."
Torn between letting the thing take its natural course, courtesy of him, or taking a stand, pursuing it and i don't know up to how long, for time is limited. Really, like maybe just this week. I'm giving myself only this week to be a little more mindless in my thoughts, but next week, I'm so going back to being in control of my life. I have to.
When I started writing this, I had half a mind to confront him tonight. Tomorrow the latest. Now, i don't know what to do again. What is it again that's holding me back? I forget now. Fear probably, of something yet unnamed. Or the fact that I know that I can be ambivalent about the whole thing, not minding too much if it turns out one way or the other way - of course I do prefer for this to turn into something else, and not just devolve into a first experience and nothing else.
Me's the problem, don't you think?
And I'm no better off than when i started this piece. I thought I would gain some clarity when I come to the end of writing this. But no, the whole thing's still as muddled as ever.
Oh you... why does this have to be so complicated?
