I was looking for someone else and then I saw you. And a thought popped into my head unbidden. You looked a bit lonely. Or else, tired of what's going on, just waiting for your shift to finish. I thought, I ought to talk to you tonight, before I leave for home - a thought I've been entertaining during my down days. And it never left me. Not once did I think that I should do it some other day, never did put the idea to rest. I racked my brain for a topic. Hell, I was even about to go with going to you about to ask, then feigning forgetfulness just to have the chance to talk to you for a while. Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to that. And when I did it, I couldn't imagine that feigning forgetfulness would seem believable.
My eyes roamed around - at you, at the cigarette by the keyboard (and how I like it that you don't reek of smoke and cig like other smokers do), your light olive green sweater, the navy blue piece of cloth on your desk, the blue nike lanyard you have always worn, the growth of hair on your chin, your longish hair compared to the shaved look you have every so often, the ear piercing that you usually have on. And I do ask sensible questions. You do know a lot, dear sir. Of course, what else would I expect, right? That's why I came to ask you specifically about that.
And dare I say I was lucky to approach you at the right time. A few minutes more and you'll be going on your lunch break. So hopefully, a longer time to talk. And also better since you still had more things to say on the topic.
It was just a normal conversation. I wasn't feeling anything unusual or out of the ordinary. So I was thinking, what prompted me to do this was just an illusion or a delusion I liked myself having. I waited for you to go out for lunch. So I've confirmed that the tattoo on your nape wasn't circular like the two others I know you have but triangular. Fact safely filed away. It's been awhile since we've walked together, or even talked that long. A r e a l l y l o n g w h i l e .
We wrapped up our discussion. I remember feeling cold because my hands were cold. But I don't sense anything from you, nothing of the kind that would give me some incentive to hold on to these thoughts or feelings of mine. Just someone with the benefit of knowledge and experience sharing information with a friend. At this point, I kind of say to myself 'this is it - I should stop this now'. Stop feeling what you unwittingly opened up in me that one fateful day in April. Why did it have to be me of all people? Why did it have to be YOU of all people?
So we parted ways - you to your lunch, I to my locker. As I was retrieving my backpack from the rack, I suddenly felt how hot it was. I was even sweating a little. But I remembered that earlier, my hands were still so very cold. I haven't had this kind of reaction before. So yeah, it's confirmed. Attraction still there, even though I no longer get all riled up (kilig) when I encounter you. Is it that my brain has processed and internalised my feelings and also my chances in the current situation that it has logically told my body to behave normally, like I'm not some (pardon the term) lovestruck person finally talking to the object of my feelings?
So what now? I guess there's nothing to do but wait it out. There's no use hoping. One thing I know for sure: the attraction has not waned. It may have even gotten stronger. Daydreaming has gotten a bit frequent too, even extending the scenario to the point where you'd realize your feelings towards her and towards me.
If only you'd realize how long and how often you dominate my thoughts... Isn't it amazing that one spends so much time thinking this much about one person and that person doesn't even give a single damn about you? I even connect things so far removed from you to you. Like now, I'm watching/listening to a bald guy singing with an acoustic guitar. You and Billy Corgan...? Yeah, that's my sad reality.
I do hope someone new comes along who'd take my mind off of you, but hopefully, not in vain, too.
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