the problem of you

It's going to be almost a year. And there you still are, boggling my mind - revisiting old encounters, making me analyze different dimensions to what was, what is and what could be, wishing, hoping, becoming desperate but unable to do anything, toying with the idea of recklessly allowing my heart to rule over my head if a chance presents itself, accepting what is and knowing that things could not be, and then going through this cycle all over again.

Never had a person had such a claim over my heart and my head with such intensity for so long a time as you have been. And yet, you are out of reach. And then lately, I find myself boggled once more. My resolve is broken to not expect anymore. Tantalizing hints... what is it that you know? Is it time that I confront you? Yet, I look at your profile and the little heart shape by your name makes my world come crashing down once again. I should know better already.  Right now, it says Verheiratet, like how it had stood ever since you promptly approved my contact request crushing my ideal view of a first love.

I say love, but do I really know what the darned thing means? All I know is that I wish for you to pay me more attention everyday. But once out of sight, out of mind as is popularly said. That's true also. And then you unintentionally (or intentionally?) make your presence felt and I'm troubled/hopeful/depressed all over again. Hell, you've been the topic of three posts and counting here. Talk about hogging my imagination.

I need a distraction. Something that would overpower your influence. Like a boyfriend. That'd be neat.

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Seriously, I want one.

And after I came alive last night talking to Joyce about her luck in life finding two sources of love one after another and easily downing two bottles of beer (I have never done that before - I don't like beer), spilling what no one would otherwise hear from me on a normal day (she was even surprised calling it a revelation and she already knows a lot about me and you and this), that just seems to be the logical thing left to solve the problem of you. See, I've even found a sort of moniker for it.

Universe, won't you conspire with me on this one? Just once please, for my turning 26?

They say be careful what you wish for, and with the matters of the heart, Ich glaube, dass das treu ist (I believe that's true). And like everything else, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. Like how I'm crossing this bridge now and the only solution other than recklessly giving you my heart only for you to fling it to the sharks to feed on is this, someone who'll make me forget and move on.