two-day reverie

Yesterday I've had some three paragraphs filled with sadness, rejection and reevaluation which I forgot to save given I was using an app to type it up. Needless to say when I woke up, everything was gone. I couldn't try to recall everything since I still had classes to go to, and I'm already running late because I let my emotions overwhelm me. In the bath. When I had to prepare for my class.

Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of classes this semester for most people attending this school in Diliman. So after my classes, there was an opportunity for tambay with friends I haven't had much opportunity to spend time with the rest of this semester, and I had the opportunity to hash my thoughts and feelings out to a willing listener. And as I related my take on what has happened and, I guess, is still happening, what I just had as an idea in my head became clear and sure to me.

Yesterday was characterized by longing, sadness and eventually, annoyance, and today is like a clean slate. What happened yesterday? Is it finally a cleansing, an acceptance? That which was just a hunch, a product of my intuition is now an accepted fact? I can't be too glad of this change in perspective. It is welcome, since this is what I endeavored to achieve the moment I started to distance myself from these thoughts and that person for which I have no assurance about. But is changing one's perspective really that easy? I find myself hesitant to call this a closed topic because I am not sure if I'll be plagued by more unsure, sad thoughts days or weeks from now. Maybe I've just had enough venting out yesterday that today, it just seems like I'm fine and dandy (unaffected even as I viewed the pics on his FB profile, which, I realize do a lot to win me over). Add that to the fact that I' just unimpressed and slightly annoyed at how yesterday's conversation with the subject of yesterday's sharing turned out.

So today, I can't celebrate, not just yet. There's a finality when I say things are definitely over, though that's how I feel things are like. Still I can't be too hopeful. Like with most things, I will wait it out. A little more patience, trying not to overanalyze things. And finish what I'm supposed to be doing. Deadlines, dear. And if this doesn't pan out as how you initially wanted it to, cry, yearn, but don't forget - it wasn't meant to be because there will be someone else. Of course, this is me lecturing myself after reading a feel-good teenage highschool romance. Life... it's just like that. It's the moments when you're in the presence of something great that you feel you're on the verge of having something good, but before anything happens, it's gone and the loss of it is heartbreaking. But I will survive. I've already encountered this before. This will just be step up, and a learning experience.

Still neutral. Good, I guess. One can't be numb forever though. 

a love letter

I was looking for an anecdote on Philippine personalities I could share in my class yesterday and finally came upon Alexis Tioseco. The pull of the person that he was was so strong that even though I wasn't prepared enough to share it in my own German translation (yes, it's for a German Lit class), I pushed through with it. Also because the only alternative I have is about the Ver-Ramos rivalry and how Imelda Marcos had the last say. Suffice to say, I didn't do his story justice - next time, surely. But I digress.

I've decided to go with Quark Henares' accounts since he apparently knew Alexis while the latter was still an unknown, working in PDI's 2bU! section. And because I remember reading this interview of Quark where he said that he's living every day so as to fulfill Alexis' wish in his "Wishful Thinking for Philippine Cinema."

Well, backtracking a bit, I came upon this letter of Alexis to Nika here while looking for other sources. And I recognized once again the import of what society has done to a man like Alexis Tioseco. His and Nika's murders are truly a big shame. Someone with this much love, not just for his partner but for society through film - his convictions, his efforts, his vision - we should not deny him his life and us, of his.

I am reposting the letter here because it is truly beautiful. If I only I could write like this...

My dear Nika,

If there has been a single cause of strain that has stuck out in our relationship it is this: the idea of my attachment to the Philippines, the strong desire you see that I have to live and work here, and the way that, perhaps, you see this as a matter of misappropriate priorities. Does a place mean more than a person? Does my work in the Philippines mean more than the possibility of a life with you, somewhere, anywhere else? Must it be you that moves, makes the (I know you hate the word, but let us use it) sacrifice of moving? And what, if anything, does that say about us—that the scales of our love weigh more heavily on your chalice?

I know you’ve come to terms with the idea of moving here, hopefully next year, we discuss—but I still feel the need to talk a bit more about some of my reasons for wanting to stay, at the very least for the meantime. I’m not attempting to compare my affection for Manila with yours for Slovenia, but only to explain the thoughts that go through my head, the things I feel I must do, things that, perhaps, we can do together.

Yours,

Alexis 


Insightful, articulate, a soulful rhythm - I can feel the challenges that have been imposed upon the couple, the consideration, the kindness and love. If I were to receive a letter like this - oh! I live for stuff like this. Living and loving. If only.

"The first impulse is always one of love." - Alexis, in another love letter to Nika and Philippine cinema

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

Lamenting singleblessedness

Somebody confirmed with me last night my sexual orientation. Needless to say, it's the 2nd time in my life I've been asked that. I guess when you meet  a number of new people and don't have a lot of time to interact with them, the sooner things get cleared up the better. Which brings to mind this one other person who I know is thinking of me in that manner. I've tried to dissuade her of that thinking some but not completely outright so I don't know when the opportunity to correct her will come up again. And I think she kind of made this distinction the first time we talked, even though or probably because we've been seeing each other around at work. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I give off this lesbian vibe. It's probably why I'm not attracting anyone at work, for the most part. I can't help it if I want to be a bit girly - dainty, sometimes a bit - how does one put it - slutty, perhaps, one day and then some days, I'd be comfortable with a no nonsense school (i.e. tee shirt)/sporty/androgynous look. I can't help it that since I was young, I've wanted to emulate talented athletes like Martina Hingis (hello, world number 1 at 16!) so I've also been engaged in sports whenever I could though I didn't have the talent and a mentor. I also realized early on the benefits of exercise so I just continued playing some form of basketball and badminton with my siblings at home. Never mind that I tend to have tomboyish tendencies (at least in attire) back then and that I move not in the usual way that young girls who are straight would. Even then, I did not question how I was, although I would sometimes lament why I'm not so concerned with my appearance as girls my age. That's why they got suitors, boyfriends and I didn't. I presumed they were the not-so-strong personality types and I was. And one shouldn't try to be or even present herself as someone she wasn't.

Fast forward to more or less 10 years later. I'm still in that same state as I was back then. Others my age would have changed wardrobes and would be wearing mature clothing, or else exercising more care with how they look. Hell, they'd be experts on putting on makeup and would have them on almost every day that they're out of the house. Even girls younger than me have started out earlier. And I'm the one backpacking my way in a new country, going to football practice once in a while, going surfing and getting browned and not caring one bit how I look. When going to beaches means a chance to show off that sexy bod or that cute bikini, I'd mostly be taking shots of the landscape or my companions and there wouldn't be too many pictures of me.

So what now? I'd like to think that I'm this modern, strong, independent 21st century woman. But a number of  times, being that is not enough. I've been having this recurring thought that it's high time I should be involved with someone emotionally, for the most part. Friends are different. These are the days when oh, melancholy just strikes you and you see people walking in the rain on their way home that late in the night as you. The difference is these people are sharing with each other about their day under one umbrella. Never mind the rain, or the lateness. They just look so right being together. With these many people in the world - hell, even in Metro Manila, you'd think it'd be fairly easy to find someone with whom you'll have some kind of connection.  Well, the universe has so far failed me in that respect.

Maybe it's a matter of not being the person who is, at least, ready to take on a new responsibility like that, on top of all other things. How can you have a boyfriend if your room is messy or you're usually disorganized? But didn't others start out while in high school? People weren't even mature enough back then. Perhaps the boys around here aren't looking deep enough at someone. They're mostly preoccupied by the physical appearance and wouldn't you know it, they'd probably be on an IQ/EQ level that's wholly incompatible with you because they're way below. Why don't Filipino guys like a challenge? If they think it's too much trouble, they wouldn't bother. So is that how things are and will be for the majority of educated Filipinas who are on the wrong side of media's bias on physical attractiveness? Perhaps one's environment is truly limiting. No matter how many people there are at work, if they all think the same way, then there's no hope. It seems one has to turn to foreign lands to be able to even pique someone's interest enough to talk to you. At least, over there one's got a fighting chance, even a sort of level playing field than here. Then when you've started interacting, that's when you'll be able to say if things might go somewhere. A lot of trouble as well, since I don't really intend to work anywhere overseas. Travel yes, but right now, financially things are not so feasible yet. Plus two years more of schooling, so that makes me inching into my 30s before I finally get to travel extensively, and that's if I  have the funds to begin with.

Okay so I'm painting myself a very bleak picture here. I did say before, and still think even now, that I'd be content if I never did find someone to marry. But to not experience the full force of love even for just once? That'd be a real pity. Unerwiderte Liebe (unrequited love) is so not nice, so much so if it took you a little more than a whole year before getting over the thing. It is nice to feel that way about someone, but it would be so much better for those feelings to be reciprocated. One deserves to be appreciated, loved and not just by yourself, but that is a good start. I'm sure other people who don't even really love themselves are loved by others. So why not us enlightened ones?

I could go on and on but well, nothing will come out of this. Another thing I need to add to list of things I need to focus on. But I don't really know what I should focus on. Is it putting myself out there, i.e. going to places I don't really frequent e.g. bars, clubs - to show the world that hey, I'm here, send your lackeys my way? Or is it interacting with foreigners virtually in the hopes that some of them would want to come over here and actually meet up? Priorities clash here. Why am I interested in so many things that I can't possibly fit in additional regular activities like those I mentioned? Ah, because that's who I am. No matter how I want to focus on one thing, I can't because I can't focus if that's the only thing I'm doing. I need to be engaged in other things at the same time. I work better if I know that so many things are required of me from the different aspects or activities of my life. So yeah, I guess the only answer I can give myself is to just be content with singlehood, like how I've been for the past 15 or so years. And when the longing arises, read some feel-good Dramione fics or other romance stories (however improbable they may be) and continue to be touched by heartrending scenes like when Ludo writes to Anna in ZweiOhrKüken (sequel to KeinOhrHasen or Rabbit Without Ears) because they broke up and he misses her so much and even though they were not even of the same stature and lookout in life when they met up again after being their childhood's bully and bullied pair, he is saddened and disappointed by everything that's happened but he still can't believe he won't be living his life without her. That letter and the accompanying montage had me shedding tears before I knew it, in front of my cousin who was also working on her laptop opposite me. Really, what beauty that was. It might be the movies but the message is still something. It's really touching to know someone feels about you that intensely because you're important in their life.

Well, as one famous Filipino song goes "Habang may buhay..." (translation: while one still lives). Hope. Perhaps all is not lost.

photo from http://indianfusion.aglasem.com/story/

Christmas this time around

there aren't many images of tropical Christmas love so here

Christmas was pleasanter this time around. Even if it wasn't the same magical thing I've come to expect, a hangover from childhood as most everyone can attest to, in some respects it was more meaningful as I came to expect goodness and time spent with people who matter to you. It wasn't much about the material things. They were just secondary to showing how much you care for your loved ones. It was the first time I've felt this way. Must be some people's penchant for giving gifts rubbing off on me. It's kinda my first time to deliberately think about what to give not just for one or two people. In the beginning, thinking about what to give kinda paralyzed me. Well, once I was at the department store and shopping with a friend, somehow the choice became a bit easier. Indeed, it was fun wrapping them up later that night, discovering ways on how to give those department store wrapping personnel a run for the money. I also managed to watch both Gegen die Wand and Solino, which would be the basis for part of our group report report for my German class. They were very well made.

It was a really good time for me, making the most of wrapping up presents and watching well-developed stories. One about trying to break away from the conservative ways of family while trying to maintain the status quo with the housemate/husband she's come to start loving and how that same love has also changed the ways of a womanizing, troublemaking drunkard who, after his time in prison is now a reformed man. It's their chance to be what they once were, now that they are mature. The other one is about a smart Italian boy who grows up in Germany amidst the family's restaurant boom. He's influenced by a filmmaker who uses their restaurant as a location, and teaches him on some basic but fundamental things. His chance for a breakthrough comes but his Mom is finally diagnosed and, after finding out her husband has been cheating on her, goes back to their old village Solino and he has no choice but to go with her. His jealous older brother then steals the chance he made for himself along with his girlfriend. It is many years later when he's got kids and is about to marry that they reconcile. However, still no hope for the father who chose to stick with his pride.

Might I point out that things were also made the more pleasanter (now that I've started this whole compare/contrast thing) because I've fully healed from whatever heartbreak I was suffering from the past year. Indeed, I was even about to cry before Noche Buena last year. Since none of those thoughts or scenes repeated themselves this year, then I can safely say that that guy did have more than an effect on me (more than healthy in fact) than I would sometimes claim. That's not to say I'm entirely immune to whatever it was that had me going for him for some time. I can't help but be ambivalent about his actions and behavior in the office given that he's not the most popular person there right now. My whole team, even my TL, don't really hold him in good regard. Same goes with some, most(?) other employees... It's like this is him and the very few who stand by him on one side, and the rest of the office is on the other side. It's that bad. And where am I? Right there in the middle. Oh, if only he could be understood and he could understand better as well. All it takes is a little consideration, methinks.

Anyway, when he went to our part of the floor earlier last night to offer the VTO and I was then standing around since I was on offline, he still managed to acknowledge me. Not that I was expecting otherwise. But he also managed to blurt out a 'happy new year' and then looking at the list he was holding, much to the amusement (?) of one of my teammates who heard him. Dare I say that somehow warmed me? That in spite of all the tension and bad blood between my team and him (my teammates jeer on him and cheer on the failures his team is experiencing), he's still recognizing our connection, dare I say it, to even greet me, in front of them. I just want to make clear that there's nothing on my end anymore. It's just the after effects of the before. And this kind of attention from someone you craved attention from before is not so unwelcome, even if there should be no kind of expectation on my part anymore. It's more like a childhood crush that won't go away, moreso because of all the good feelings that person engenders. Really. And my girlfriends have concluded that it does take a certain type of guy to have that effect on you, sometimes no matter what they did or didn't do. Mine's not exactly your usual goodlooking guy, mind you. And until someone, with a stronger effect who can make you forget about all that, comes along, you'll be stuck in this same limbo for sometime. Well, that's it. I'm just airing out my feelings for one part of this whole nasty thing that's been going on for a while, long before I even had this week-long vacation from work, and with no one to share this to... There's the excuse right there in this Christmas-related post.

ein Gedicht für dich

just because... Mesut in a Nutella ad,
if I'm not mistaken 

Waiting for the laundry to finish - and there it is, the beep before the last round. So I should be able to get to bed soon. (Lucky me, my VTO request was granted very early. Incessant coughing since last night and I dunno, weakened defenses maybe, have handed a very painful throat to me, which won't do at all in my line of work. Plus, the coughing. It's been a long time since I last got afflicted with one, and when I do, it usually only goes away months after I've contracted it. Bummer.)

Anyway, as I was saying before the very long digression, me has time. And an excess of some more daydreaming and word geekery. So I'm posting what was today's German assignment which was supposed to be about time. My classmate didn't say anything of the sort though, but with a wee bit stretching of the imagination, one can find it as still incorporating time. I've intended for it to be longer but the limit was only up to 12 lines. But yeah, I might one day strive to complete this. Inspired by recent events, its grammar is not topnotch, nor is the content. One can easily find shadows of the message in past posts. But anyway, this is me, the shamelessness sometimes outweighing good judgment. lol. This is my blog anyway. So if I want hell to break loose on here, then it shall.

And so, without further ado...

Heute nach einer sehr langen Weile
   hast du mich wieder beachtet.
Dein Lächeln hat Fröhlichkeit
   an meinem Miene beigebracht.
Deine Aufmerksamkeit erlaubte mich zu denken,
   dass es eine Hoffnung gibt
Für mich, für dich, für uns.
Bis ich finde jemanden neuen
   fortsetze ich zu traumen
Was war, was ist und was werde. 

*still having a hard time grasping German, but still I strive...

missing Fußball and surf

Sem's just started and I have once again proclaimed that I play Fußball in my classes, when in reality, I hardly do. But I've psyched myself to get back to it sometime before this sem started. Like I did when last sem also started, wherein I managed to put in a couple of appearances at trainings, before disappearing forever. Since I keep on saying it, and still finding time to sometimes look up related news, local or foreign, before disappearing from the loop again, that would mean I actually really like the thing. And I do. It's just that with everything that's happening, it seems better to rest your mind and body at times, rather than push them all through the weekend, up until the next workday comes around.

So I've this renewed zest. I hope I can keep this up. I've had two long weekends because of leaves approved which I had filed before to do something I've missed. Well, nothing became of my original plan. And I haven't been near the water since then. Tsk. Why did I think I should be working on November 1st, eh? I should've filed a leave for it as well and join the surf and music fest up north. I should really move near the beach. And have abs like this girl who was photographed surfing San Juan.

photo from https://www.facebook.com/surfing.sanjuan

So now, I'm craving for all that water and whatnot. Hay...

Stupid, procrastinating me. :(

it's just ... taking me over

I knew. The moment I saw that flash of black in my peripheral vision, I knew - like how I knew I'll be safe everytime I go home at ungodly hours. I was that sure. I had half a mind to turn to you just to ascertain as you walked past, but I stopped myself, because I already knew. And because... well, just because. So the first time we talked in weeks, the few times in which we do are nowadays limited to work, my mind was saying ha! that one sentence, that brief touch on your shoulder and the smell of his cologne, ha! you said you were done with him? now look who's talking.

I did say I was finally over with the whole brouhaha over you some posts ago, but those few seconds of attention directed at me, with the slightest of personal touches - all the non-interaction, almost-cold-shoulder brush-offs of weeks past are relegated to the smallest compartment in the back of my mind to hide it all away, allowing me to revel once more in the feelings you used to incite, and it seems, still continue to incite, with not much effort on your part.

Gaah...Who'd have thought you're as ingrained in me as my propensity to follow rules or procrastinate endlessly?  It was only when I got home that I realized its implications. In the old place where it all began, I could see you, albeit not full body and most times just the back of your head, and even with that limitation, there were telltale signs I've learned through the months for me to be sure it was you. Every passing head looking like yours - I'd lock in on that spot and I'd know as soon as I gaze at it whether it's you or not.  Now, there's not much opportunity for looking. And yet, you passing the aisle, or even through our bay with my back to you - am I really that conditioned and tuned in? Forget conditioned. How could I, without seeing, be certain?

Mind-boggling. Though I've long ago done away with all the thoughts that used to accompany you, this one encounter brought back the lovely feelings of the past. One-sided and self-propagated they may have been, they are the incentive by which I believe people pursue love, a feeling everyone is entitled to, that everyone deserves to experience at least once and that someday, I will also find one who will let me feel those permanently or if not, for a long, long time.

sunsets and nostalgia

Finally had the time to just sit by the Sunken Garden and do nothing yesterday - after coming in late to my Italian class and just generally disappointing myself all over again with the way I've been handling it, and then followed by a particularly entertaining "Was bin ich von Beruf?" (What am I as a Job?) game in our German class (Herr Lehrer was in his element as Quizmeister, even providing the needed sound effects woot!) where my teammates BJ, Jam and I came out tied for 2nd, this after being comfortably nestled on top for a while during the earlier part of the game.

I didn't want to stay at the shop where I used to work at and where I'm still welcome, since it's another air-conditioned environment with computers - which is where I am for forty-something hours a week, all the while dedicating some more hours to the laptop when I'm at home. So when I'm at the PC shop, I can't help but be drawn to the net-connected PC so I decided to just stay by the Sunken to do some review of notes and/or the finals I just received. I did start out by noticing the hurried way I answered my and then later on went over my answers to the exam. It was evident in the lack of needed verbs and misspelling a certain pronoun because I've confused it with another noun. And then I read through a list of Italian verbs that require certain prepositions. This still didn't help me with my predicament though. All the while, I was listening to Jam since it's Friday Slide (my favorite radio program) and learned that a woman has successfully ended her life in the LRT Line 1 EDSA Station. She is the 24th attemptee I believe and, I was surprised to find out, the 10th who successfully did. I was immediately reminded by the remade Wall Street where Shia LeBouf's mentor does exactly that - reading the papers in a cafe on a seemingly ordinary day and then setting off for the subway, meandering through the throng of people and stepping into the train's path as soon as he got there - when everything he worked for suddenly failed. This happened at 5:50 AM the other day. All I'm left is wonder at would drive someone to end her life in such a manner. Last snippet I heard from the radio is that she hasn't been identified yet.


The Sunken Garden was actually a bit to my right. I was sitting in one of the benches in front of PHAN  (Palma Hall Annex) so my view was actually that of the huge tree obstructing one's view of the Bulwagan ng Dangal, which was in front of (or depending on one's perspective, to the side of) the Main Library. And I just let myself look at that tree - some of its leaves on its left side, and some a bit more in front, illuminated by the fading sun. You know all the leaves are the same color, but with the vantage point and light direction you're given, it's like some of it is more alive, and some are duller. Joyce (who arrived a bit later on) was right in pointing out that it looked like a forest. I agreed, I've been thinking the same thing, like it was a tree in the forest in the Lord of the Rings. That's how majestic the whole scene came to me then. I wanted to take a picture of it, but I knew the gadget I use for a camera wouldn't capture the interplay of light and colors, so I just let myself gaze at it, somehow committing it to memory.

I just sat there all through the rest of the afternoon, until the sun finally faded and all I'm seeing is the dark green of the trees. And somehow, a sense of my younger years in the university was coming over me.


There was a time when I was still somehow fresh out of UP (as late as last year in fact) that the image that comes to my mind when I think back to my college days is of wide open verdant spaces. In all my years in and out of buildings, classrooms and laboratories, the impressions that seem to have stuck to me are the times I was out of my classes. And of these, the, let's say, memorable ones were those I spent under the hot sun, rainy skies and the newly-cut, though many times unkempt, grasses of the Sunken Garden, with people I somehow considered as family, doing the thing we all love, staying together until after everything's done with and coming together to do that three or four times a week. Yes, we did and we were all somehow addicted, coming and yearning for it all throughout those times when we had exams and what-nots which hindered us from going.

Yesterday, as the day wound down and people were jogging around the Oval (like what I had planned on doing), the impressions were a bit different. For one, it was only then that I was able to witness once again the turning of day into night. These days, I'm inside the four walls of the production floor when the sun finally gives way to the moon. The fact that I was in UP while I was witnessing this brought me back to my first undergrad days (yes m'dears, I'm on my so-called second undergrad/college days at the moment). At first, it seemed like the times back in my first year when I'd go to my then, only, org's tambayan after classes and we'd just sit and talk, and later on, we'd go somewhere to drink or watch gigs - cramming all of these in time for curfew (which I had for five years!). I guess it was about that as well, since when I get home, there's nothing to do since I wasn't overly friendly with my landlady's family, only had my space in the room, didn't have a computer at that time, and it was either I read, talk to my roommates or sleep. My college days were in fact, the only time that I've stayed out of my sleeping space long after the sun has set for in our house back home, I didn't grow up doing that. Even when I was in highschool, I was usually making my way home immediately when there were no org or practices or meetings that needed to be done when classes ended. And my stepping into UP gave me that one big dose of freedom. One helluva huge dose indeed. Then I realized later on that this whole feeling was also probably connected to the days spent in that space called the Sunken Garden, once my most favorite spot in the whole of UP. I've recounted what we used to do then; it may be connected to what I was feeling.

But before I could fully bring back the impressions from the past, I had to move. With that, the fleeting sense that it's about to reveal itself was gone. I could've held on to the feeling a bit more, and subsequently basked in its full memory, if I stayed still a bit longer, but somehow, everything is not in sync. So I'm writing this to commemorate that afternoon when I somehow went back to the nostalgic feeling of my youth.

+++

Joyce told me yesterday as well about Sir MonRa and RA Rivera's Tales from the Friend Zone project. Friend zone is a term I've been reading almost everywhere just recently. Is it because of this project and a few others like it? Anyhow, the second video was what I could relate to the most.

Takeaways which ring true:

- why one becomes expectant, i.e. bakit umaasa (girl's POV): girl may not be used to having kind, sweet and/or handsome boys who befriend her so that the first one who comes along and is just that, she starts to think there's something. So yes, as girls have observed, when he doesn't say anything, it's nothing. Don't overthink.

- lower one's expectations because as MonRa explains, that "0.0001 na pag-asa na yan, or otherwise known as malisya, ay nagiging germ at lumalaki nang lumalaki dahil sa imahinasyon natin at sa pagnanasa na maging tunay na pag-ibig yan..." WELL SAID.


So...

Happy -ber months! Potted Potter is on in a little while. Tschuß!

*Ambivalent, like.

Many hours before this morning, I was completely confident, sure in what I was about to embark on. There was none of the self-consciousness or self-doubt that have crept up as I allowed myself to think of other possibilities. Well, one's gotta react to the issue at hand. So that with a wee bit of disappointment, I've managed to screw my views once again.

Damaging, like. It's something you can't help thinking, especially when you're on the verge of giving yourself completely to another. You'd think the other was as willing as you are in accepting another person... and with a little of this and a little of that, you start thinking that that may well not be the case. Once again, you've read too much into your interactions, the other's actions, to satisfy the fantasy world you've built.

Or...

You may just simply be overthinking things again. Isn't it better to just give in to the moment? Live it while it's happening and stop anymore of this senseless analysis when you can't really get to the root of your conflict unless you confront the person yourself.

As I've written in my previous blog's sidebar:

Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less and stop watching ourselves live. -- Nicolas de Chamfort

Too true, in my case. If only it was that easy.


*Inspired by Ewan McGregor and his crew in Trainspotting

here we go again

I believe that you can do whatever it is you want once you set your mind to it. All the disappointments and challenges in the world can be overcome by just thinking that they don't affect you much, that you'd still have a chance to remedy things; you don't have to pander on and on about how much of a waste your efforts were, or what you could've done with the time lost. No amount of sulking or sourgraping will change what happened. So the best thing would be to change how you think about it, move on and start doing what's needed. Indeed, being happy is all in the mind. And I have that written down in my profile.

I'm inclined to believe that I have the strength of mind to do this everytime I encounter something that's not up to my expectations. But I've come to realize lately that indeed, some things are far stronger than what I imagine them to be. Foremost among these is my emotions towards a certain... hmm, something.

It's the same pattern. Despite telling myself that I should stop imagining scenarios in my head, my brain just goes ahead and does it. I'd be thinking what to do next, and then soon enough, there'd be scenes playing in my head and it's on a roll and I'm in situations that are way too deep for me to actually expect them to happen. Or there'd be another development and immediately, my brain answers it with scenes up to a satisfactory ending. The thing with me fixating on this is that I expect... when I know I shouldn't be. Because the last time I did, I was disappointed big time. A heartbreak indeed. And it was a  while before I got over the whole thing. And while I was trying to get over the thing, I'd be in an emotional slide, high one time, then slowly slipping downwards until I'm rock bottom. And there are very few things in the world that could make me right again.

So I'm observing the same patterns again. I've tried to distance myself from the events, thinking that I can eventually master my emotions. And indeed I do, then I realize that going on with that line of thinking will end up with me no longer caring about what's happening. And it would be a sad thing. I'd be immune to whatever is happening, that I can no longer respond appropriately. It would be a shame if that were to happen. I wouldn't want that to happen.

So I try not to overthink, to overimagine events. But then, this thing that I'm expecting has been inexplicably tied to whatever pleasant emotions I'm feeling for the day, or for a certain stretch of time. Previously, it was only work that was causing me this emotional rollercoaster (just like last time), but now, another factor has added to it. And it's got a greater weight than work (again, like last time).

This is not good, because when I'm in the pits, I lose the drive to do anything at all. I'd be like this until I force myself to interact with other people hoping they could cheer me back up (which happens most of the time when I'm not too closed off to the world). But when I'm by myself again, I find that I have not recovered. I have simply put away the gloomy feelings for awhile before unlocking them again. Now is not a good time to be having those phases because besides working, I have school as well. I'm behind assignments. I realized the full brunt of being behind in my lessons yesterday and being helpless got me so scared. I don't want to waste the opportunity for studies I have right now.

I want to end this, like get to the bottom of this if I only knew the other's side. Walking this tightrope is a little frustrating because of what it does to my motivation towards other things. One moment I'm unsure, then I'd have a little hope with the help of a little positive imagination, only for me to squash it  some more with further analysis. Then I'd try to be neutral again to assuage the disappointment I'm having. Then I'd have some news and I'd be feeling light and a bit happy, like now. It's the down times that I hate because that translates to having little or no motivation for the other aspects of my life. And I'm sure I'd be going through this cycle again. I wouldn't want to stop at this right now, because who knows what might happen? I might find happiness, or at least something worth feeling all bonkers over when I weather this whole thing. And here I am being hopeful again...

I have to make the most of this chance because I've already missed out on this during my high school and college years. I no longer have the luxury of experiencing some innocent high school romance or even a simple college romance. Now as I'm older, things are more complicated because the world is bigger and the stakes are higher, and interests and priorities have changed.

I do believe that I can move on if this pans out to nothing. I wonder how long it'll take again though.

on ... love

From the description of a self-portrait of one of my workmates:

If you find yourself in love with a person who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. 

Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart. 

True.

+ + +

And a little over one year after the incident, it's finally over. One day, I thought about my feelings (after one particularly scary view into my emotions - scary because of how intense it was but without the rationale to back it) and questioned my motives. And then I realized I've seen the last of writing lovelorn entries... at least about the particular person who occupied my mind for some months.

That quote was a good way of looking at that one year.

Now, I am looking forward to the time when I can say something like this lovely anecdote from Antoinette Jadaone:

“I used to think I love you more than I loved him, but now I’m not so sure,” I said, then he said, “Why?”, then I said, “The way I love you now, I don’t think I loved him at all.”

<3

of requests and remembrances

You approach me with a twinkle in your eye, smile on the ready. First time in a while you've talked to me. Lately, it's just been 'What's up?' or an eyebrow raise (or eyebrow raises) when we happen to pass each other or when I happen to be looking while you're passing through. Tough luck. We can't just go on doing that everytime you pass through and I see you because you are such a life of the party that you would be doing that ten or more times within an 8-hour duration.

Much as I'd like to strike up a conversation, I don't belong to your crowd and I don't make small talk with you when you're in your crazy/funny kind of mood, which I'm finding out lately is almost every hour of every shift. I don't know how to deal with you when you're that way. I am a serious gal with a serious outlook in life. I take things that happen seriously and respond to them with an earnestness reminiscent of law-abiders of old. (Of course, an exception to everything is when I'm with my closest friends.) And the times that we've talked when I sort of initiated the topics, you level yourself with my degree of seriousness which I've realized lately is not your usual. So yes, I don't really know you. And yes, you're kinda leagues away.

So why the sudden cheeriness? A favor. I see. Of course, I would use the same tactics when I need to do that same thing. But with your maturity and probably more pessimist view of life, you think everything can be manipulated. You were even surprised at my agreeing to your request without so much as a bribe. I don't operate on those grounds. I do things out of my innate goodness. And with you continuing to be incredulous that I would consent almost readily, I came up with something then in exchange for what you were asking - something only I would be interested in - but I opted to voice another thought instead. No shit. It would have been the perfect opportunity to gauge how I feel towards you. But no, it was a crazy thought. Will never voice it, at least not to you.

Much as I would like to say that I made this decision because I'm overall a good person, I can't help thinking that had it been someone else making the request, I might not have given in so easily. I may even have thought of something to render me incapable of acquiescing to the request. But even then when I was processing a call, I had half a mind to think about what you were asking and proposing so that not five minutes later, you've secured my agreement. (It helped that I convinced myself that I'm doing this for my own activities too this coming weekend. And that this will be a springboard for a favor I might ask of you in the near future when I would need a backup plan.) Hooray for you.

I thought afterwards that my doing this (heck, I did need a lot of convincing) would be in return for a favor you did for me back in March last year when I was going to watch the Stone Temple Pilots concert and they were having it on a Wednesday. Convenient for me  that you periodically swap to have weekend rest days. And that's how I was able to match a name to your person, which had in fact intrigued me for a while already. For in anticipation of the approval of the other swap requested of me, I was periodically checking the announcements (the darn thing never appeared!) and so I've come to memorize your name, it with the very Christian bent attached to a personality less more so. Of course, you wouldn't remember it. I've somehow realized that guys don't remember the things that girls attach sentimental values to, like the clothes one wore that day, the date something  significant (to her) happened or the circumstances that brought about certain situations. I had to remind you that first day we officially  made acquaintance that I knew your nickname by way of that incident. And after that telling acquaintance, it gave a bigger reason to my having the means to find out something about you on the world's favorite website which was your name. Good thing your TL was already my contact then (he who I'd forever like not least for his suave voice and accomodating nature but also for continuing to call me by my full second given name even if it's been everywhere shortened to just the last two syllables).

Woah was the word. It was like something struck me deep in my soul when I saw those pictures. Like something became electrifyingly clear. It was you.



I was just randomly queuing songs from the 90s on my playlist to accompany me as I type this, and then this played. And it was like, I was hearing it for the very first time. And THIS. FREAKING. NAILED. THE. SHIT. I don't try to use words I don't really claim I understand in the empirical sense, but then this...

The video is itself formulaic and lacking the earnestness in Brendan's whiny voice but the words are pretty spot on.




And so for one little while on a Thursday night, in the 22nd floor of a busy office, I once again felt what it was like to be the object of your attention.

Snared as I ever am, I wonder again how long am I gonna be writing these stories of mine...

still disinclined to acquiesce to the rational mind's request

April..

Just like that, it's been a year since the spark was ignited.

That's probably why I feel like lately, I've been bombarded with things related to you. And that may just be my inner voice working to find acceptable explanations for what I am experiencing other than that it's just a random coincidence. Emphasis on random.

Yours is not exactly an uncommon name. It gets pretty well used as a mnemonic for a letter when we are required to spell - a necessity in our line of work - besides the military mnemonic and that other Christian name. And with it having a Spanish counterpart, even it is a common name in my German textbook or for sample sentences in class. I even saw it on a store sign, some saint or other, and heard it on the radio as well.

And with all the brouhaha at work, I'm exposed to you than I normally would have been months past. With some sort of normalcy settling in at work, the distances have become shorter and conversations in other rows are more easily heard here than in our previous site. You don't know it but I'm tuned in to you than to any other being in the four-or-so walls of that office.

I don't know when I first realized it but you use this one cologne. I realized it one day when I was close enough one time too many, so much so that during the last day at the previous site, I was wondering where you were. On my way to the CR, I sensed it. You were in the vicinity of where I was passing through and true enough, yonder is a semi-bald head. On my way back, I guess you even acknowledged me.

And so last night got me wondering whether the air flow was pretty strong and you were sitting right below the air conditioning that for a time, I could smell you. Just you, in fact. None of the powdery smell we get from the AC from time to time. The smell is really good but still you know, male. I wonder if the others realized you were the one permeating their noses. Probably the ones you have regular contact with. Really. Talk about being bombarded with stimuli. Like reading your name in the sign up sheet before I started work last night wasn't enough to make my mindcogs working overtime over things not being coincidental.

So this got my imagination working up once again, that it has me a bit scared for a time. What if I turn into a lovesick creature once again? But no, no chance of that. I've let go of any romantic notions for good, the kind that makes me feel down. My mind delights in it, but it is no longer the destructive kind. I am just savoring this feeling of liking someone well enough that I don't care about whether any developments would be expected. But still, no matter how much I tell myself that I'm gonna stop thinking about you, I am in the office anticipating the next encounter.

I was even considering the possibilities when I took on the overtime request. I decided not to push through with it later on due to headache and fever brought about by lack of sleep. And then when I was preparing to leave, there you were in the flesh. Not just a scent nor a voice from rows beyond nor the sound of keys walking the aisle but you yourself stationing behind me, beside my teammate. With almost non-existent acknowledgment on each side, I still managed to ask my teammate the question I just then remembered and bid him goodbye. Good thing you were pretty busy with a call, that that may function as an excuse to not talk to you before I left. 'Twas because I worked it in myself to be scared of what was happening, even if in hindsight there was none. Silly imagination. Silly me.

Yes, the saga continues, every bit as one-sided as it was before.

*title inspired by Capt. Barbosa's response to Elizabeth Swann in the first Pirates of the Carribean when she asked to be released: "...disinclined to acquiesce to your request..."

the problem of you

It's going to be almost a year. And there you still are, boggling my mind - revisiting old encounters, making me analyze different dimensions to what was, what is and what could be, wishing, hoping, becoming desperate but unable to do anything, toying with the idea of recklessly allowing my heart to rule over my head if a chance presents itself, accepting what is and knowing that things could not be, and then going through this cycle all over again.

Never had a person had such a claim over my heart and my head with such intensity for so long a time as you have been. And yet, you are out of reach. And then lately, I find myself boggled once more. My resolve is broken to not expect anymore. Tantalizing hints... what is it that you know? Is it time that I confront you? Yet, I look at your profile and the little heart shape by your name makes my world come crashing down once again. I should know better already.  Right now, it says Verheiratet, like how it had stood ever since you promptly approved my contact request crushing my ideal view of a first love.

I say love, but do I really know what the darned thing means? All I know is that I wish for you to pay me more attention everyday. But once out of sight, out of mind as is popularly said. That's true also. And then you unintentionally (or intentionally?) make your presence felt and I'm troubled/hopeful/depressed all over again. Hell, you've been the topic of three posts and counting here. Talk about hogging my imagination.

I need a distraction. Something that would overpower your influence. Like a boyfriend. That'd be neat.

.
.
.
.
.

Seriously, I want one.

And after I came alive last night talking to Joyce about her luck in life finding two sources of love one after another and easily downing two bottles of beer (I have never done that before - I don't like beer), spilling what no one would otherwise hear from me on a normal day (she was even surprised calling it a revelation and she already knows a lot about me and you and this), that just seems to be the logical thing left to solve the problem of you. See, I've even found a sort of moniker for it.

Universe, won't you conspire with me on this one? Just once please, for my turning 26?

They say be careful what you wish for, and with the matters of the heart, Ich glaube, dass das treu ist (I believe that's true). And like everything else, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. Like how I'm crossing this bridge now and the only solution other than recklessly giving you my heart only for you to fling it to the sharks to feed on is this, someone who'll make me forget and move on.

beauty and selflessnes in a song

Ever since I watched Glee's Mercedes Jones rendering a wonderful version of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You last Friday, I haven't been able to get the song out of my mind. I'm familiar with this as a difficult birit song for talented singers but beyond that and the movie The Bodyguard, I wasn't fond of it at all.  I also never had someone influence me to like Whitney, so I wasn't a fan. (Though it still is a bit unnerving that the famous people you knew while you were still young and who ought to still be there as you grow older are leaving earth earlier than they should be. Whitney is still pretty young at 48. So was MJ. They both had more to offer.)




So when I saw the video from Glee, it immediately had my full attention since it wasn't only flaunting the actress' (who plays Mercedes) singing chops but also there was a love angle that was not the usual (and which I wasn't expecting) but nevertheless, it's one of the elements of a good love story (at least for moi, since I'm a sucker for romance, and well, there's just certain twists or situations that resonate strongly with me). And the whole time I was marveling at the simplicity and beauty of the lyrics.

When you love someone unconditionally, you would do what's best for that person.

If I should stay
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know 
 I'll think of you every step of the way

But still, you will never stop loving that person.

And I will always love you
I will always love you
You, my darling you, Hmm

So you're saying goodbye because it's for the best.

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I will always love you
I will always love you

And when she got to this next part, I felt that this song was so beautiful and so right. For me at least, this would be the song I'd be singing right now for a certain someone, in particular this last verse. It's so selfless to say that:

I hope life treats you kind 
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish to you, joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love


Imagine loving someone so much that you couldn't get enough of that person, but since things are not meant to be, you willingly let go of him. And you also wish that person all that you would wish for him if you were together. That's genuine love. Sorry if I seem too naive or idealistic with all these love words I couldn't find synonyms for right now. But this simple thing is very powerful and very beautiful for me. Sacrifices are not easy to make but they are needed. To sacrifice for someone else is even more admirable. We naturally gravitate towards the things we like or want to have but to deliberately wean one's self away from that which gives you the greatestt happiness, that is just too hard to bear. But it's a difficulty one must suffer for you are thinking of that other's best interests. That's why love is so heartbreaking but still so great.

While Mercedes was singing that last verse, right when I realized what the words meant, I also imagined myself saying (or haha singing) that to him. It was like I've had those same unacknowledged thoughts at the back of my head, they've been there all along, but it's only now that I discovered those words and they fit perfectly with how I feel towards him. I believe things are not meant to be and I am ready to let go. I sincerely hope that things will turn out for the best for him, but nevertheless, inspite of my non-success in this part of my life, I somehow think that


And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you



Rest in peace, Whitney.

things I wish you knew | buntong-hininga chronicles...01

I was looking for someone else and then I saw you. And a thought popped into my head unbidden. You looked a bit lonely. Or else, tired of what's going on, just waiting for your shift to finish. I thought, I ought to talk to you tonight, before I leave for home - a thought I've been entertaining during my down days. And it never left me. Not once did I think that I should do it some other day, never did put the idea to rest. I racked my brain for a topic. Hell, I was even about to go with going to you about to ask, then feigning forgetfulness just to have the chance to talk to you for a while. Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to that. And when I did it, I couldn't imagine that feigning forgetfulness would seem believable.

My eyes roamed around - at you, at the cigarette by the keyboard (and how I like it that you don't reek of smoke and cig like other smokers do), your light olive green sweater, the navy blue piece of cloth on your desk, the blue nike lanyard you have always worn, the growth of hair on your chin,  your longish hair compared to the shaved look you have every so often, the ear piercing that you usually have on. And I do ask sensible questions. You do know a lot, dear sir. Of course, what else would I expect, right? That's why I came to ask you specifically about that.

And dare I say I was lucky to approach you at the right time. A few minutes more and you'll be going on your lunch break. So hopefully, a longer time to talk. And also better since you still had more things to say on the topic.

It was just a normal conversation. I wasn't feeling anything unusual or out of the ordinary. So I was thinking, what prompted me to do this was just an illusion or a delusion I liked myself having. I waited for you to go out for lunch. So I've confirmed that the tattoo on your nape wasn't circular like the two others I know you have but triangular. Fact safely filed away. It's been awhile since we've walked together, or even talked that long. A  r e a l l y   l o n g  w h i l e .

We wrapped up our discussion. I remember feeling cold because my hands were cold. But I don't sense anything from you, nothing of the kind that would give me some incentive to hold on to these thoughts or feelings of mine. Just someone with the benefit of knowledge and experience sharing information with a friend. At this point, I kind of say to myself 'this is it - I should stop this now'. Stop feeling what you unwittingly opened up in me that one fateful day in April. Why did it have to be me of all people? Why did it have to be YOU of all people?

So we parted ways - you to your lunch, I to my locker. As I was retrieving my backpack from the rack, I suddenly felt how hot it was. I was even sweating a little. But I remembered that earlier, my hands were still so very cold. I haven't had this kind of reaction before. So yeah, it's confirmed. Attraction still there, even though I no longer get all riled up (kilig) when I encounter you. Is it that my brain has processed and internalised my feelings and also my chances in the current situation that it has logically told my body to behave normally, like I'm not some (pardon the term) lovestruck person finally talking to the object of my feelings?

So what now? I guess there's nothing to do but wait it out. There's no use hoping. One thing I know for sure: the attraction has not waned. It may have even gotten stronger. Daydreaming has gotten a bit frequent too, even extending the scenario to the point where you'd realize your feelings towards her and towards me.

If only you'd realize how long and how often you dominate my thoughts... Isn't it amazing that one spends so much time thinking this much about one person and that person doesn't even give a single damn about you? I even connect things so far removed from you to you. Like now, I'm watching/listening to a bald guy singing with an acoustic guitar. You and Billy Corgan...? Yeah, that's my sad reality.

I do hope someone new comes along who'd take my mind off of you, but hopefully, not in vain, too.