closure time?

Some days are like today - when your thoughts are a spillover from yesterday's, your mind is going over the same thing over and over again, that thing that inadvertently causes you to retreat into yourself, wallow in the sadness and shun any kind of contact, which you know usually leads you to feel better. After all, distraction is the best solution. But you're having none of it. In fact, what caused all this brouhaha was just an assumption of yours. What if that wasn't really the case, yeah? But then you're too stubborn, too full of pride and mindful of the mind games that people play to take the plunge and ask the questions.

.......

After years of that song in your consciousness, it's only now that the message clicked. Of course, why would it then? But without thinking to, you find it's what you actually need...

No regrets 
'Coz I'm doing this for myself
Now I'm letting you go 
Even if you were never mine to hold 

So I have to say 
"This ends today"
'Coz I gotta stop crying
Yes I gotta start living baby 

Although I have to say 
You're the best mistake that I made
So I'm leaving this situation
Thank you for the sensations 

And you begin to wonder, ne Makopa, who said those lines eh? Cause you knew those guys at one point in your life.


.......

The thing is, are you ready to finally make true what you've been thinking for weeks, months probably? Are you finally making this decision and sticking to it?

You say it's just a phase. Normally you wouldn't be feeling like this. So then, would you put up with these moments when you've got nothing to distract you and all those emotions are weighing you down?  I wonder what will trigger you to make a final decision.

It's hard to make a decision though with only half of the facts. You're courteous enough to give him a chnce to explain, not unlike in your daydreams of your own hurt/love story. You're itching to know what he thinks...maybe you should start from there?

This is a most convoluted thing.  So, time for some closure then?

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

troubled

There are times when you're bogged down - by your thoughts, the loftier/more enlightened thoughts of those in your social network, your expectations of yourself - and everything else goes awry. No matter how you think you can stop that line of thinking and just go on like you normally do, you can't help but succumb to it.   Doing other things still couldn't stop you from feeling how much of a failure you are right now, why you're not like all the others. A sign of clinical depression? :(

Ika nga ng Nazareth...

Drawn by Sofia Falkenhem
for her friend's collection of
love/horror stories,
check out her other
drawings at
http://sofiafalkenhem.blogspot.com

Love hurts.

Written in an hour (as soon as my shift started) late in 2011, if I remember correctly, whereafter the demands of work i.e., call volume, have rendered me unable to continue the relation of events which can be seen as fundamental to the understanding of the initial outburst of emotion, the following started out as a rant and soon became an attempt to use the misfortune into something that, with hope, may prove, no matter how far-fetched the idea may be, to be a suitable first foray (like all the other ideas I've thrown into the typewritten page) into the world of romance writing.

Some parts have been re-worded or rewritten for better reading, and while the inconsistency in voice in the fourth paragraph can be immediately corrected, I chose to let that part remain unchanged to somehow highlight the strength of emotion I had while writing those lines.

Let the heartbreak begin...

***

Heto na naman siya. Nakatunganga, nakatigin sa kawalan. Hindi namamalayan ang paglipas ng oras. Or to put it more correctly, nakikita niya ang pagpalit ng oras mula alas-tres, alas-kwatro, alas-singko hanggang alas-sais na ng gabi pero hindi niya ito iniinda. Oo, nasasayang ang oras, pero hindi niya makuhang ibaling ang atensyon sa mga mas importanteng bagay - sa paksang kailangang aralin para sa pagsusulit bukas, sa paghahanda para sa bakaysong matagal na niyang inaasam-asam. Pero kahit para sa huli ay ni hindi man lang niyang makuhang maging excited.

Kasabay ng pag-eemo moment niya ngayon ay naka-loop ang tila theme song ng kanyang pag-eemo. 'Nasubukan mo na bang matulog nang bigo sa pag-ibig,' tanong ni Alicia Keys. Kasama ang mabigat na bagsak ng mga beats at ang madramang melodiya - perpekto ito para sa nararamdaman niya ngayon, na nararamdaman niya dati pa pero napagdesiyunan na niyang wag na 'to isipan pa muli; na ang pagsisimula ng bagong buhay ay ang pagkalimot sa isang pangit na karanasan.

Pero sa emosyon, madalas talo ka. Natuklasan niya ito sa ilang ulit nang pag-betray sa kanya ng mga emosyon kahit ano pa man ang sabihin ng kanyag utak. Kapag nagsimula nang mamuo ang mga punla ng depresyon, tuluy-tuloy na yan. Hindi na niya mapipigilan ang pulso ng damdamin. At kadalasan ngayon, simula ng mga pangyayaring ngayo'y gumugulo na naman sa kanya, ang kanyang pagkalungkot ay umiikot sa kawalan ng iniibig. Kung bakit ba naman kasi kinailangan pa niyang pumasok sa buhay niya nang ganun diba? Wala siyang ganitong problema dati, kasi nga nbsb nga naman. Wala ring nanliligaw. Kaya ayos lang, masaya ang buhay. Kapag na-depress ay sarili lang ang kailangang sisihin. Tungkol lang naman dati sa purpose niya sa buhay ang ikinadi-depress niya. Ngayon, iba nang anggulo. May iba nang dimensyon ang kanyang pagkalungkot. Pumapalibot na rin sa isa pang tao. Nakakainis lang. Sa ilang buwan nang nakalipas, di pa rin niya maiwaksi ang mga nangyari at ang mga damdaming itinago lang niya. Pathetic, iniisip niya, to pine over one guy when there are so many others around. Ano bang meron sa kanya?

here we go again

I believe that you can do whatever it is you want once you set your mind to it. All the disappointments and challenges in the world can be overcome by just thinking that they don't affect you much, that you'd still have a chance to remedy things; you don't have to pander on and on about how much of a waste your efforts were, or what you could've done with the time lost. No amount of sulking or sourgraping will change what happened. So the best thing would be to change how you think about it, move on and start doing what's needed. Indeed, being happy is all in the mind. And I have that written down in my profile.

I'm inclined to believe that I have the strength of mind to do this everytime I encounter something that's not up to my expectations. But I've come to realize lately that indeed, some things are far stronger than what I imagine them to be. Foremost among these is my emotions towards a certain... hmm, something.

It's the same pattern. Despite telling myself that I should stop imagining scenarios in my head, my brain just goes ahead and does it. I'd be thinking what to do next, and then soon enough, there'd be scenes playing in my head and it's on a roll and I'm in situations that are way too deep for me to actually expect them to happen. Or there'd be another development and immediately, my brain answers it with scenes up to a satisfactory ending. The thing with me fixating on this is that I expect... when I know I shouldn't be. Because the last time I did, I was disappointed big time. A heartbreak indeed. And it was a  while before I got over the whole thing. And while I was trying to get over the thing, I'd be in an emotional slide, high one time, then slowly slipping downwards until I'm rock bottom. And there are very few things in the world that could make me right again.

So I'm observing the same patterns again. I've tried to distance myself from the events, thinking that I can eventually master my emotions. And indeed I do, then I realize that going on with that line of thinking will end up with me no longer caring about what's happening. And it would be a sad thing. I'd be immune to whatever is happening, that I can no longer respond appropriately. It would be a shame if that were to happen. I wouldn't want that to happen.

So I try not to overthink, to overimagine events. But then, this thing that I'm expecting has been inexplicably tied to whatever pleasant emotions I'm feeling for the day, or for a certain stretch of time. Previously, it was only work that was causing me this emotional rollercoaster (just like last time), but now, another factor has added to it. And it's got a greater weight than work (again, like last time).

This is not good, because when I'm in the pits, I lose the drive to do anything at all. I'd be like this until I force myself to interact with other people hoping they could cheer me back up (which happens most of the time when I'm not too closed off to the world). But when I'm by myself again, I find that I have not recovered. I have simply put away the gloomy feelings for awhile before unlocking them again. Now is not a good time to be having those phases because besides working, I have school as well. I'm behind assignments. I realized the full brunt of being behind in my lessons yesterday and being helpless got me so scared. I don't want to waste the opportunity for studies I have right now.

I want to end this, like get to the bottom of this if I only knew the other's side. Walking this tightrope is a little frustrating because of what it does to my motivation towards other things. One moment I'm unsure, then I'd have a little hope with the help of a little positive imagination, only for me to squash it  some more with further analysis. Then I'd try to be neutral again to assuage the disappointment I'm having. Then I'd have some news and I'd be feeling light and a bit happy, like now. It's the down times that I hate because that translates to having little or no motivation for the other aspects of my life. And I'm sure I'd be going through this cycle again. I wouldn't want to stop at this right now, because who knows what might happen? I might find happiness, or at least something worth feeling all bonkers over when I weather this whole thing. And here I am being hopeful again...

I have to make the most of this chance because I've already missed out on this during my high school and college years. I no longer have the luxury of experiencing some innocent high school romance or even a simple college romance. Now as I'm older, things are more complicated because the world is bigger and the stakes are higher, and interests and priorities have changed.

I do believe that I can move on if this pans out to nothing. I wonder how long it'll take again though.

*football days once more...

I haven't seen any football action lately - not on TV nor for myself. Of course, I'd think about it every now and then. Whenever I happen to pass through the General Antonio Luna Parade Grounds aka the UP Sunken Garden, I'd look out and see if I could recognize any of the ball-toting players on the field. But I know that FC Sikad has made the QC Memorial Circle its home these past few months, so no chance of any familiar faces in the place I spent four years on as my playground. In fact, one time when I was remembering my college days, I could distinctly see myself in the Sunken Garden, not anywhere else in UP. It brought back not images of laboratory experiments or libraries but green grass, patches of soil and people in variously colored jerseys running around with a ball.

Playing 7-a-side football in the Ateneo field sometime in 2007

My college life was defined by football. I couldn't get enough of it. I'd play after class, on weekends, even if I have upcoming exams, after lab experiments doing my thesis. Now, I've had zilch for how many months. One reason for this is that my spikes have seen fit to retire after some 6 years of on and off usage. And then during the days that there are schedules for futsal training, I am unable to go because of my work schedule. 

Puddles of water everywhere, mud flying, the ball hardly moving

resting in between games - cold, muddy and all

So last week, with school finally over (I'm amazed at my German 13 grade - I could do it, couldn't I? - as opposed to my German 12 - dang those imperatives which were tackled when I absented myself from class - and my Hapon 10 and 11 grades are ^_^), I had nothing else to do but indulge in my whims if not attending to needed chores. I decided to watch a La Liga game since I couldn't play, I might as well watch one of the best teams in the world show how it is to play beautiful football. Thank goodness for 1 Terabyte hard drives and fellow football fans and friends, one of whom has long ago shared with me some of the games she's downloaded (we're both Barca fans after all).

I watched a game from the 2010-2011 season of the Spanish Premiere League (La Liga for short), an away game for FC Barcelona against Atletic de Bilbao. Messi has been injured so I unfortunately couldn't watch him. But it was still interesting for me because I would see how a team without its great #10 play. And at the onset, they didn't disappoint. All the players were full of energy once the whistle went off, Barca more so, retaining possession at a little more than 70%. Perfect passes, short passes, moving the ball around and forward, the defenders ready to support the attack and midfield, anticipating each other's moves and moving into space... I only know so much of playing the game and very little of tactics that I can't really describe the game accurately. But you know this is top class football. There was even that amazing control by Andres Iniesta close to the goal line to keep the ball in play. Deym! Football in the Philippines doesn't even come close to this level. I, with my own football dreams, have no hopes of reaching this level. So you'd just be content to watch and wish you could do the same. It was also raining hard during the first half and every ball fought hard for that I could remember my own days in Sunken. I miss playing in the rain. Everyone of us would have muddy socks and shoes, and even shirts and shorts afterwards but it's not much of a hassle as long as you enjoyed. The hassle comes later when it's time to wash your gear. Everyone's happy after a game. After the game, we'd stay after changing our clothes and even getting a bite together afterwards. And the workout after hasn't been matched by anything I've ever tried since. I really miss playing! If only injuries could be easily flicked away so that you can just play on as hard as ever and you can just play for life and not have to do anything else...

After expertly trapping the ball with his instep close to the goal line, Andres Iniesta prepares to flick the ball back to a teammate before its second bounce - wish I have videos or gifs so you'll the awesomeness better :(  

While watching, there was also the realization that football has a long way to go before being entrenched into our culture. The Atletic Bilbao and Barca fans, like most of Europe's, were all prepared to watch and for the weather. They have the stadiums that can seat tens of thousands of people and everyone besides the teams and refs were wearing raincoats and whatever else they need to keep dry and sufficiently waterproofed. Filipinos haven't seen the beauty of raincoats yet - almost nobody wears that here even during the storm season. The last game of the national team I watched was so long ago, during the home game of the first leg of our WC qualifier against Sri Lanka in July last year. I bought a raincoat for the event but the quality available here is not so good. Others sneaked in their folding umbrellas which the bouncers eventually had to tell them to close since it was obstructing the view of the other viewers. So many could do nothing but get wet. It would have been better if I just watched it at home since I didn't see how the goals were made, the game being fast-paced and occurring on the other side of the pitch, or else, the view obstructed by the players themselves. We didn't have preview screens on the pitch. I daresay there isn't one till now. Our side of the pitch was also not getting updates about the score so we were just wondering for a time.

raincoat-wearing fans

So it is in my bucket list to watch a top flight football game in Europe and feel the frenzy and the energy of the fans and the game... And also witness a World Cup match live. Woo!

Then my brother arrived from school and saw me watching football. He said he wanted to watch the third Goal movie, expecting more of the football action he saw from the first two installments. He was disappointed. The third movie dealt more with the pressures of professional football. The Mexican character of Santiago Munez was just a support here and he even got injured, making him ineligible for the 2006 World Cup. One of the other supporting cast starred in some obscure Dracula-inspired movie where he met the love of his life. And then he had to die. So we see the thread of this movie - the less glitzy side of this profession and the  mature and personal side of footballers. The main character relies on alcohol everyday and he actually fathered a child whose mother decided not to tell him about it. Then the death of his friend kind of put things into perspective for him and we have a happy ending. Pretty unemotional to say the least.

Afterwards, I decided to watch FC Venus again, to be exposed this time to the feminine view of the game. It was just an ordinary movie for me the first time I saw it. Anna's boyfriend plays in the 7th division in Finland (the lowest division, so I hear). He and his teammates, most of whom are husbands and fathers, have dedicated their lives to football, making their families only second priority. Anna recruited their WAGs (wives and girlfriends) to form their own football team and when they win a game against the guys, the guys are to hand over the money they were going to be spending to watch '06 WC in Germany. If the guys win, then they will not hear any complaint about football from the women ever again. A tall order, considering that none of the women play or know anything about the game, except for Anna. In fact, she played very competitively when she was younger, resulting in a knee injury that she never got treated for. Her father is one of the more famous coaches around the world, that at her young age, he had to leave because he was given the chance to coach Korea. So that in effect, is why Anna had this personal vendetta against football, given what she had gone through for it in the past. She didn't want football to take away the men in the women's lives just as how it separated her and her Dad. This initially led to some problems in her relationship as the guy did not know a thing about her footballing past. And then she had to reject his marriage proposal and it was like everything was over for good. Just as it seemed that things were patching up between her and her Dad, the rift flared up once more, as she still hasn't come to terms with her Dad's job taking him far away from her.

I cried so hard in this movie. I haven't cried this much since April last year, and even then, not for a film. I tried watching it again to be able to pinpoint what it was that touched me about this. I guess it was the fact that here is an independent woman who knows what she wants and yet achieving it is a lot of uphill struggle, even pain. The helplessness is pretty overwhelming and it just drags you down for a time. First, she failed with her father. The next time, she failed over the person she loves. And we women, we don't just consider ourselves. With our nurturing nature, we consider the other people in our lives with the decisions we make. Anna didn't have anybody else, but when I think about myself in those terms and what I must live up to, everything can get pretty taxing.

That was the end of my football viewing for that 24-hour cycle. But this foray has brought me back into the arms of football, so maybe a day or two after, I decided to continue reading A Life Too Short by Ronald Reng. This book is a look into the tragedy that took the life of 32-year old Hannover 96 and Germany's keeper Robert Enke.

I started reading this a few months and distractions come and go so I was only able to finish it now. In the beginning, I was amazed into the new insights I was getting about football, in terms of team dynamics and politics - the old players versus the newer ones, the younger versus the older, the lone foreigner among the native players, being in a new country and speaking a new language, and especially goalkeepers. During our trainings, we all trained as field players. If we had a semi-official goalie, she didn't have specialized training, relying only on her skills and talent to try to keep a clean sheet. Most of us don't want to be on goal when we're playing either on the field or futsal. So it was a revelation to find out what goalies think about when they're in a game, their moves and tactics. Sure, I see amazing saves every now and then on TV, but I've never imagined how much analysis, effort and practice is needed to achieve that level of play-reading, instinct, tactics and reflexes needed at the right moment to not allow or lessen any chances of the opponent to score.

I've heard about Robert Enke around August of 2010 when the Mannschaft fans over at LJ mentioned him in a post about the national team (die Mannschaft) players paying him tribute. (This team is all about team spirit and I love them so much because of it.) That he took his life even though he's on goal for the national team was a fact I casually glossed over as I went to more of the juicy pics and posts, until someone got a hold of this book and shared it. I downloaded it out of curiosity.

Robert is said to be one of the more modern players; he was among the generation of players to start playing for clubs abroad. He first played for Benfica in Portugal, and it is evident how much he loved the country as he and his wife Teresa loved to vacation there. Then he was snapped up by Barca, then under Louis van Gaal. But contrary to what he was promised, he barely appeared for the team. A young Victor Valdes was usually on goal after the first choice keeper suffered an injury. And there is a shock when he is suddenly asked to play against a lower tier team, an amateur by their standards, and they lose.

Next, he makes a move to Turkey but the depression has already hit him and all of a sudden, he turns around and is unemployed for a season until 2nd division Tenerife in Spain snaps him up. The last move he makes is to Hannover where he played for four years and was even named captain. And it is at this time that he is finally given the chance to man the goals for die Mannschaft, with the end of the Kahn-Lehmann era. But all through those years, he still remembers the good days in Lisbon and why he ever left the place.

I don't know the player  on the left and Per Mertesacker on the right, playing for die Mannschaft

When you're a talented sportsman, intrigue is never far, especially since you're in the public eye. And since goalkeepers are the last line of defense, it can get pretty difficult to not blame yourself about goals conceded. Many goalkeepers have certainly come to terms with this but maybe for some, it is just a tad bit more difficult. There is the pressure of living up to the coach's, team's and fans' expectations. But I believe all these could be dealt with.

It was written that Robert Enke is one of the people who is susceptible to the depression. So no matter what the circumstances, the black dog would just appear out of nowhere even if there's no logical explanation as to why. He suffered from it twice; once in 2003 from which he eventually recovered, and then the second time in 2009 from which he decided it was better to end his suffering by ending his life. It was in this latter part of his depression that I felt I could relate to what he went through. Reng wrote that the pitfall of depression is that it makes you feel you can't do anything, and yet when you don't, you'll feel all the more depressed because of this failure. Just like me. I even had suicidal thoughts when I was younger, in late elementary or early high school, I think. I've gone past thinking such thoughts. But in the last decade, I've felt really, depressingly down a lot of times. The latest ones have lasted for days and after that point, I still don't seem to know what to do with myself to prevent my feeling inadequate in the future, and I'm just whiling away my time, enjoying myself until the next self-bashing hits me again. The pattern lately is that after a time of feeling joy, happiness or euphoria over what has happened (e.g. good times with friends) or what is about to happen (usually some sort of travel I'm excited about), my mind automatically veers towards that dark path. I don't know if I"m telling myself that I don't deserve to experience joy, but all of a sudden, I'd lose my enthusiasm for life. And I'd just lie in bed wallowing in it, not talking to anyone. And I'd berate myself for wasting a lot of time thinking about it instead of just doing something. But I'd still go on doing it. And then somehow the darkness will lift. And II'll be alright again... until the next bout.

I've never thought of suicide since I stepped into college so that's a positive sign. I just don't know how to rally myself when I feel down.

From the book, I saw more of what depression does to a person and to the people surrounding him, especially since Enke is a goalkeeper, a team captain, a friend, a father and husband. It was helpful that he wrote some notes so we got an insight on what his thoughts and emotions were.

Ending a life is really sad. Deceiving everyone that all is well because he's finally come to terms with what he's about to do - it's not surprising that many are shocked, most of all the people who knew him as an intelligent and sensitive person, a professional in a field when others reveled in the intrigue and media glitz. He didn't like competing with his fellow goalkeepers, even becoming close to Rene Adler who was his top competitor for the first choice position in the national team. I believe I'm not as an extreme of a case as he was, but I do wish that I'd see more beautiful things in my life and avoid dragging myself down.

Last minute addition: I just read yesterday that Ronaldo has retired from football. It was a battle between his body and the game and he could no longer keep up with the demands of the sport with the hyperthyroidism thwarting his efforts to maintain his weight. I wasn't aware of him at the time he was at his peak, only hearing mentions of his name with no proof of his skills, so I couldn't really sympathise with fans of the #9 who wowed the world (and now I know where my friend got his email address ronaldo_the_phenom  - from the man himself). But it is not the best news to find out that one is retiring from the game you love because sickness has gotten the better of your body.


* It's pretty sad that I'm using this title not because I'm playing again, but because I'm experiencing football once more but only from second- and even third-hand accounts. Life is really complicated. You can't just get what you want anymore.