three cities, eight people

N who set our itinerary and made sure we covered them, providing the background to some of the things we were seeing and visiting, taking pictures of me so that I won't repeat my experience from last May, sharing his own story and that of his culture, being kind enough so that I wouldn't have to spend extra unnecessarily, thus, letting me experience what I wouldn't otherwise have had if our paths hadn't crossed

R & J for welcoming me and making sure I was comfortable, not hungry and able to go around, allowing me to stay in their place, sharing their own stories of living and working in a different city with a very different culture. My stay would be different otherwise. I see the advantages of staying with one's fellowmen in a foreign country. I'm also inspired to try and live on my own far away from what I've been used to growing up. Someday. 

G and your stories. You've opened up from the onset, probably because you had no preconceptions about me. A no holds barred, frank conversation and your perceptive insight plus your willingness to take me around - I'm actually amazed at the person you are. Too bad that your final plan didn't push through, but I look forward to seeing you again when you come back. I do hope things turn out for the better for you. 

A, so glad to be able to talk to a fellow Filipina during the more than 11-hour trip. Offering a lot of information about the places and conditions you've been working in for the past eight years with no pretensions, I do hope you pursue traveling just for the sake of it. I know I will. 

O, experiencing Saigon through your and your friends' experiences is something, especially since it's nearing Christmas. Totally helpful and also not averse to sharing your own stories, I'm so glad you still accepted me to stay with you even though you'd be more comfortable without me in the picture. Hehe. Many thanks. You're the epitome of a very good CS host. Thank you, once more. 

M & G, if R instilled in me the desire to live overseas and work, you guys have inspired me to actually take longer trips to fully explore a certain place or country. I loved your stories and I hope you both will be able to come visit the Philippines. Best wishes and good luck with the rest of your travels. 

Though I only stayed two days in each place, getting to know all these people made me feel like I've accomplished so much more than those four days spent in a single foreign city back in May. I am thankful for the people who welcome travelers all over the world and pay things forward. In time, I shall be able to do the same too. 

Cheers to traveling and living!

image from http://www.tourismontheedge.com/places/asia/how-to-pack-smart-for-a-backpacking-adventure-through-asia.html

naiveté, idealism or optimism?

Romanticizing - they just make the event, thing or person more memorable, more pleasing to reminisce. So you have a view of things based on what you see, her and how you interpret them, only to find out later that you had it all wrong. What you thought was mutual respect and a harmonious working relationship was the furthest from reality you could get.

And so you live your life based on an assumption of reality and so your existence is some kind of hoax then, right?

Romanticizing things can only get you so far, but you'll never really know. What you have are just stylized, idyllic notions. Best for what it really is to come from the horse's mouth.

But then again, nothing is straightforward. We all cower behind the secret glances with hidden meanings, words left unsaid. So many thoughts... but without the right timing to voice, or even at the very least, express them.

So you let yourself be caught up in this game, this web, with no known beginning, and most times, without a foreseeable end (except the one your imagination concocts). And you participate, and you hope, and you get disappointed, and you share your woes, ask for insight, feel better, and get entangled again, and expect and so on. And you wonder, when will this end, is it a relatively happy ending that is in store for you? Or is it just better to not have entertained any of these thoughts and saved up all that time and energy expended on that line of thinking? You may be clueless, but perhaps, you may be happy...

At least during the small snippets of time when everything's fine and dandy. But you know things aren't always that way. That won't hold for very long.

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

I saw one of Jen Horn's self-reminders on her blog recently. They were timely because around that time, I was thinking along those same lines. This particular reminder from Gretchen Rubin reads

What you do EVERYDAY matters MORE than what you do once in a while.  

Indeed, I've been involved in a number of things throughout the years, and yet, I still haven't mastered enough of one thing. So it seems like it's time to strike some things out of the things I'll put my focus on.

I was on this train of thought when I got to thinking about this thing I have wanted to do since I was younger but for which I still have nothing to show for. Nope, those unfinished fanfics and Nanowrimo entries don't count. Blogs as well, for that matter, though I believe some of those blog entries were truly inspired.

So does this mean that surfing has to go? Surfing isn't so easy to do with me living in the city and the nearest waves to be found are about 3 to 6 hours away from here and even then, one can't do it the whole year round. Plus I'm busy with both school and work.

No surfing.

My soul would bleed. I can't fathom... a life without waves.



Photography, writing and some fitness regimen - these three are easier to do right now since they require equipment I already have. What remains now are the motivation to do them regularly and having proper self-management (a concept I picked up from my friend Vivian) to be able to fit them into my activities.

NO, I won't give up surfing. After reading this on Salt Gypsy's FB page, their daily inspiration courtesy of Chris Guillebeau,

Build your own reality. Decide for yourself what this reality looks like. No one is stopping you, and the next step is yours to take. 

of course, yes, truly, why would I ever? Why do I ever forget that nothing is truly impossible if you really really want it to happen? Though reality and emotions intrude every now and then, we have to keep our dreams alive. Perhaps I'll even be using a shortboard and conquering Hawaii's Pipeline someday.

My friend Ryan out to conquer more waves one June weekend in his backyard, photo by yours truly

pasta-centric and crazy days

An early birthday surprise from my penpal in Germany -
a photo she took in  Barcelona and a card she made herself

Life does never seem to fail one who has the right disposition. I'm talking mainly about myself and how I had imagined that this year would be a step back in the celebration of my turning a year older. I thought to start a tradition last year that my birthdays would from then on be celebrated away from where I reside, namely Quezon City. I've lived here for the past 10 years now this coming May, since I started my freshman year in university - the first six years within or near the vicinity of the university and the last four years still a bit nearby, at least two jeepney rides away from school.

Before last year, I often just ate out with friends or siblings to celebrate 3rds of March. And I don't know when turning a year older lost its novelty. Must be one of those times when I had much to do, seeing as March marks the end of the semester, and when my birthday comes, I'd be deep in requirements or exams. There was even one birthday when I had Chemistry exams, even though it was a Sunday. To break off the monotony, I went with my best friend to Tagaytay, I place I've heard so much about but have never set foot on. I had meant to top that off this year with a surf trip to Baler. This time, not only staying overnight but for two nights.

Well... studies did have to strike again. My inability to go was mainly spurred by the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, and had I actually taken the time that I took off from the supposed teambuilding the other weekend to work on the report, I wouldn't have had to cancel on my surfing plans. So everything is still my fault. So much for going surfing once every month until the end of the surf season. So I put off my surfing photos... And will soon get that digiperm I had wanted to have since last year.

I didn't really mean to celebrate early. But it was the Friday night that I was supposed to be going to Baler, and a good friend just turned a year older that week as well, the 25th of February. So why not celebrate our birthdays together, midway between the two dates? We went to a place I've wanted to try for a long time now, Bellini's in Cubao. I had a creamy seafood pesto, she had their puttanesca, and we shared a salami-topped pizza, capped off by some sweet wine. Lovely meal. We were even able to watch the owner in action - still very Italian after all these years in the Philippines.

The next evening, I schemed with another friend whom I haven't talked to for quite a while now, since we already have different work schedules. We went to another place I've never tried before - Banapple. They have huge servings for the same cost than in other pasta places. We were both so full even if we haven't finished our main courses yet, and we each still had one slice of cake to eat. I tried out their Apple Pie - sehr lecker! They used actual apple slices, and not mashed up ones that you just know would contain something else than apple. Then it was another first for me as I welcomed my birthday with alcohol. I only told my friend I was celebrating my birthday once we entered the grounds of Cubao X. There, I guess in hindsight, I could say that I should be careful about what I wish for for I just might get it. I did have this ongoing theme of what one of my friends could give me for my birthday. Well, when I thought about it later, there it was. And until now, I'm still not decided on it. I had a detached sort of objective view about it, but I've never really fully revisited it to form a definitive reaction and decision.

I decided to actually have some food for my birthday at home, which I never did before. It was all part of a good vibe (which temporarily faltered - another story for another time) I had going and I got to sustain it so I pushed through with it. After having three hours of sleep and some breakfast, I finalized my plan without telling my housemates why I was doing it. Only my siblings knew, and I had already texted my sister who is living in Manila to come by for snacks. I had planned on having pizza, pasta and nachos, not realizing that I've already had pasta for two consecutive days before this. Well, pasta has been a mainstay for birthdays - my mom cooked spaghetti with meat sauce everytime we had birthdays at home. So as the bulk of the foodstuffs, it was inevitable. I bought the ingredients after lunch. My older cousin came with me, and instead of nachos, we just bought a big bag of tortilla chips with lime flavor, and then opted for cake. Now, when the word cake came to me, I immediately thought about Conti's Mango Bravo. I was shocked by the price, but nevertheless went on with it because I had a good feeling about it, even though I last ate this many years ago.


Well, the celebrations didn't stop there. I had a date with two good friends to watch Silver Linings Playbook. I was intrigued by this movie title last January when that was what I got for charades at a party - which, when my groupmates got correctly really made me ecstatic, since I'm not really good at acting out things for people to guess about. I saw on an ad though, that the film won some awards. And it didn't look like a really serious film, nothing like the likes of Inception or the Departed (pardon the very old films - I'm no longer updated these days). So off did I watch it without any expectations. And I loved it! We were laughing at almost every turn. Of course, if that was happening to me or someone I know, it would be very frustrating indeed. How about if not only one, but your husband and two sons were suffering from some sort of mental illness as well? I can't even begin to imagine... The treatment is just lovely! We laugh at the inanity of it all, but still, we're there rooting for the characters to rise above it all. (And hullo, Bradley Cooper! I didn't know you before but glad to know you now, haha!) So I believe it's now one of my favorite films. Some of the lines that really made me laugh out loud:

  The first time they meet

B. Cooper: You look nice. 
J. Lawrence: Thank you. 
B. Cooper: Oh, I'm not flirting with you. 
J. Lawrence: Oh, I didn't think you were. 
B. Cooper: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die? [Lawrence looks shocked and sad] 
--> This after being reminded to not ask her about how her husband died. 

    Lawrence starting to teach Cooper how to dance

J. Lawrence: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
B. Cooper: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
J. Lawrence: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
B. Cooper: I don't feel anything.

Oh, another side note: Julia Stiles is way mature here - with kids and eyebags and a propensity to dismiss the little things. Whereas a few weeks ago, I just saw her on 10 Things I Hate About You at the office's Valentine presentation. Talk about the realization that you're finally old!

Oh yeah, I had pesto a few days afterward as well. Still had some leftover pasta from the big birthday cookout and the pesto sauce that I wasn't able to use then. And the aroma of pesto sauce -- it just gets to me! It's addicting, couldn't get enough of it! One of the reasons why I would so like to live in Italy.

So what was it about disposition that I was talking about? Well, a healthy sense of self and reality enables one to turn disappointments and downtimes into one of the best times or memories of one's life. Think about it.

Christmas this time around

there aren't many images of tropical Christmas love so here

Christmas was pleasanter this time around. Even if it wasn't the same magical thing I've come to expect, a hangover from childhood as most everyone can attest to, in some respects it was more meaningful as I came to expect goodness and time spent with people who matter to you. It wasn't much about the material things. They were just secondary to showing how much you care for your loved ones. It was the first time I've felt this way. Must be some people's penchant for giving gifts rubbing off on me. It's kinda my first time to deliberately think about what to give not just for one or two people. In the beginning, thinking about what to give kinda paralyzed me. Well, once I was at the department store and shopping with a friend, somehow the choice became a bit easier. Indeed, it was fun wrapping them up later that night, discovering ways on how to give those department store wrapping personnel a run for the money. I also managed to watch both Gegen die Wand and Solino, which would be the basis for part of our group report report for my German class. They were very well made.

It was a really good time for me, making the most of wrapping up presents and watching well-developed stories. One about trying to break away from the conservative ways of family while trying to maintain the status quo with the housemate/husband she's come to start loving and how that same love has also changed the ways of a womanizing, troublemaking drunkard who, after his time in prison is now a reformed man. It's their chance to be what they once were, now that they are mature. The other one is about a smart Italian boy who grows up in Germany amidst the family's restaurant boom. He's influenced by a filmmaker who uses their restaurant as a location, and teaches him on some basic but fundamental things. His chance for a breakthrough comes but his Mom is finally diagnosed and, after finding out her husband has been cheating on her, goes back to their old village Solino and he has no choice but to go with her. His jealous older brother then steals the chance he made for himself along with his girlfriend. It is many years later when he's got kids and is about to marry that they reconcile. However, still no hope for the father who chose to stick with his pride.

Might I point out that things were also made the more pleasanter (now that I've started this whole compare/contrast thing) because I've fully healed from whatever heartbreak I was suffering from the past year. Indeed, I was even about to cry before Noche Buena last year. Since none of those thoughts or scenes repeated themselves this year, then I can safely say that that guy did have more than an effect on me (more than healthy in fact) than I would sometimes claim. That's not to say I'm entirely immune to whatever it was that had me going for him for some time. I can't help but be ambivalent about his actions and behavior in the office given that he's not the most popular person there right now. My whole team, even my TL, don't really hold him in good regard. Same goes with some, most(?) other employees... It's like this is him and the very few who stand by him on one side, and the rest of the office is on the other side. It's that bad. And where am I? Right there in the middle. Oh, if only he could be understood and he could understand better as well. All it takes is a little consideration, methinks.

Anyway, when he went to our part of the floor earlier last night to offer the VTO and I was then standing around since I was on offline, he still managed to acknowledge me. Not that I was expecting otherwise. But he also managed to blurt out a 'happy new year' and then looking at the list he was holding, much to the amusement (?) of one of my teammates who heard him. Dare I say that somehow warmed me? That in spite of all the tension and bad blood between my team and him (my teammates jeer on him and cheer on the failures his team is experiencing), he's still recognizing our connection, dare I say it, to even greet me, in front of them. I just want to make clear that there's nothing on my end anymore. It's just the after effects of the before. And this kind of attention from someone you craved attention from before is not so unwelcome, even if there should be no kind of expectation on my part anymore. It's more like a childhood crush that won't go away, moreso because of all the good feelings that person engenders. Really. And my girlfriends have concluded that it does take a certain type of guy to have that effect on you, sometimes no matter what they did or didn't do. Mine's not exactly your usual goodlooking guy, mind you. And until someone, with a stronger effect who can make you forget about all that, comes along, you'll be stuck in this same limbo for sometime. Well, that's it. I'm just airing out my feelings for one part of this whole nasty thing that's been going on for a while, long before I even had this week-long vacation from work, and with no one to share this to... There's the excuse right there in this Christmas-related post.

thoughts from the bedlam

So this is how it feels like to not have to set your phone's alarm clock, to hopefully wake up to, some four hours after you've lain down; to not have to absorb all those information, exercising your brain cells to comprehend the logic and rules of the thing three hours a day four days a week; to reread Dune leisurely without a care of what else you're supposed to be doing (except maybe answering all those letters and postcards) and be truly excited that you're finally reading again, this time for pure pleasure...

You have all these unbidden thoughts swirling in your head and one just leads right to the other...

One day, you're reveling in the fact that it was Stiles's Katarina Stratford character in one of your favorite movies that got you into this whole non-conformist semi-feminist mode you've been in since, well, probably the first time you saw that movie and that love is a bad boy but sweet character, and a non-conformist like you, a la Heath's Pat Verona, who will break your heart at first, but who will eventually find the error of his ways because, well, he realizes he does love you and that his world won't be right without you.

And no matter how much of a non-conformist and an independent gal you think you are, do you think the world sees just how shallow or deep you've gone? For that matter, does the world really care? What have you really done to further that aspect of yourself? You're proud of that self-proclaimed label, but is that how others really perceive you? You claim to know a lot of things, but really, all the things you know just skim the surface of the topic... shallow, isn't it?

You say you want to do this, you want to be that... but have you done anything to be one step closer to achieving those? It's been years since you've determined to set out for those things. Isn't it high time that you're seeing results now?

You've prided yourself all this time about how much information your brain has accumulated and could retrieve at any point in time, excelling in general information in quiz bee categories back in elementary. It's true: knowledge is power. However, have you done anything to capitalize on all that knowledge? Even now, when you know what things you like to focus on and how you seem to understand the inner workings of and the external influences that affect certain stuff, have you ever had any impetus to put all those to good use for your development as a person, or even as a careerwoman? Well, impetus, yes; follow up actions, no.

It's seemed that you've just been content to ride the tides, doing as little as possible to stay afloat but still exist a bit comfortably compared to many. Too comfortable in fact that, even though reality shows you that brains and some personality alone don't get a guy, but all the efforts you muster for your appearance and equal amounts wiliness, you remain resolute and somehow content to let this moment in time pass by.

Despite knowing all this, still you remain, non-girlfriend material girl (yes, you've finally realized and admitted it), a bit oblivious, a bit naive, a bit idealistic, a bit unchanging, and a bit hopeful, all in almost equal measure.

last day of June

It's the last day of the first month of my being an official student once again, and I have only one post to show for it (this!). It's been awhile since I last wrote, although I've had many ideas coming and going in between days - I even have two semi-written pieces sitting on my drafts right now, but I never did get around to finishing them. Nothing to show also in my handwritten diary, and even my planner is barely written on (which often acts as a record of things that have happened instead of things that are supposed to happen).

I'm enjoying the internet during the wee hours of Saturday morning because finally, it's a weekend, it's two days' break both from work and school and I'm not jaunting elsewhere this early (which I did last weekend and the weekend before last which were fun, but I never did get around to writing about them, though I had planned on it).

So many things going on and which I've wanted to share, or at least keep a record of. Like the changes at the office and hmm... towards whom my attention has been riveted for the past weeks now (and may I just say that these past three specimens I've liked come from the same sort of complication that I wouldn't want to be in if I could help it);  the sights and sounds along Aurora Boulevard in Cubao at 3 AM; getting home and then eating or reading one moment then the next, finding myself groggy with the sun already up and I wouldn't know when I transitioned from being awake to sleeping and everything is just a matter of four hours;  scuba diving one weekend and still not getting the knack of mask clearing and equalizing - going back to Anilao for the first time in eight years and sleeping under the stars, then two weekends after finally getting to see the Hundred Islands in daylight and enjoying it and who says you can't enjoy the beach in June; despedidas and New York;  meeting new and younger people in class once again (one who graduated from the same high school I did and is part of my old org) and saying hello to old friends from German class and yes, finally having a definite direction as a European Language student (after the second try) and all the other choices and non-choices that came along with that decision;  pleasantly finding out all about our language major professor;  Germany fumbling again in the last four of a major tournament (why, oh why?);  hurdling the first major thing that is the Italian articles (why do you need four? why?).

A lot. Somehow, I've managed to outline them but time won't be enough to talk about them. I have other ideas as well and tasks to do. Weekends aren't enough I know. But oh well, cheers! This is life. I chose this. I wouldn't have it any other way right now, but if I can, I'd like to be able to add a few more things... just a few like futbol/futsal, fitness training, and more time to write - letters, postcards, diary entries and this blog while planning and saving up for Brazil 2014 :)

As the Italians say, ce la fai!

Everything in the name of all things wonderful...

An image from the abandoned resort beside Scubabro, where I experienced the underwater again after some oh, 8 years

a surfer lifestyle

I long for this. Eventually, I'd like to live with something as basic as these two:

I'd be living by the coast, only a bike to get me to places. When there's no surf, I'd be at home writing, reading, playing with my kid, building up my collection of photos and memories, cooking and/or baking, listening to and playing with music, running in the mornings, an occasional game of (beach) football, spending afternoons in my garden, under the trees, occasionally hanging out with friends. Work consists of writing or translation work all done from the home.

I've got the surfer's bug alright. Have I said that surfing is one of the most sublime things in the world? I've dreamt of it for so long and am only now taking baby steps towards making the dream a reality. And until now, there's nothing more I would wish than what I have just written above. Isn't it wonderful that the greatest joy in life is just that, doing something so sublime in the simplest of ways?