so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com