closure time?

Some days are like today - when your thoughts are a spillover from yesterday's, your mind is going over the same thing over and over again, that thing that inadvertently causes you to retreat into yourself, wallow in the sadness and shun any kind of contact, which you know usually leads you to feel better. After all, distraction is the best solution. But you're having none of it. In fact, what caused all this brouhaha was just an assumption of yours. What if that wasn't really the case, yeah? But then you're too stubborn, too full of pride and mindful of the mind games that people play to take the plunge and ask the questions.

.......

After years of that song in your consciousness, it's only now that the message clicked. Of course, why would it then? But without thinking to, you find it's what you actually need...

No regrets 
'Coz I'm doing this for myself
Now I'm letting you go 
Even if you were never mine to hold 

So I have to say 
"This ends today"
'Coz I gotta stop crying
Yes I gotta start living baby 

Although I have to say 
You're the best mistake that I made
So I'm leaving this situation
Thank you for the sensations 

And you begin to wonder, ne Makopa, who said those lines eh? Cause you knew those guys at one point in your life.


.......

The thing is, are you ready to finally make true what you've been thinking for weeks, months probably? Are you finally making this decision and sticking to it?

You say it's just a phase. Normally you wouldn't be feeling like this. So then, would you put up with these moments when you've got nothing to distract you and all those emotions are weighing you down?  I wonder what will trigger you to make a final decision.

It's hard to make a decision though with only half of the facts. You're courteous enough to give him a chnce to explain, not unlike in your daydreams of your own hurt/love story. You're itching to know what he thinks...maybe you should start from there?

This is a most convoluted thing.  So, time for some closure then?

two-day reverie

Yesterday I've had some three paragraphs filled with sadness, rejection and reevaluation which I forgot to save given I was using an app to type it up. Needless to say when I woke up, everything was gone. I couldn't try to recall everything since I still had classes to go to, and I'm already running late because I let my emotions overwhelm me. In the bath. When I had to prepare for my class.

Yesterday, Friday, was the last day of classes this semester for most people attending this school in Diliman. So after my classes, there was an opportunity for tambay with friends I haven't had much opportunity to spend time with the rest of this semester, and I had the opportunity to hash my thoughts and feelings out to a willing listener. And as I related my take on what has happened and, I guess, is still happening, what I just had as an idea in my head became clear and sure to me.

Yesterday was characterized by longing, sadness and eventually, annoyance, and today is like a clean slate. What happened yesterday? Is it finally a cleansing, an acceptance? That which was just a hunch, a product of my intuition is now an accepted fact? I can't be too glad of this change in perspective. It is welcome, since this is what I endeavored to achieve the moment I started to distance myself from these thoughts and that person for which I have no assurance about. But is changing one's perspective really that easy? I find myself hesitant to call this a closed topic because I am not sure if I'll be plagued by more unsure, sad thoughts days or weeks from now. Maybe I've just had enough venting out yesterday that today, it just seems like I'm fine and dandy (unaffected even as I viewed the pics on his FB profile, which, I realize do a lot to win me over). Add that to the fact that I' just unimpressed and slightly annoyed at how yesterday's conversation with the subject of yesterday's sharing turned out.

So today, I can't celebrate, not just yet. There's a finality when I say things are definitely over, though that's how I feel things are like. Still I can't be too hopeful. Like with most things, I will wait it out. A little more patience, trying not to overanalyze things. And finish what I'm supposed to be doing. Deadlines, dear. And if this doesn't pan out as how you initially wanted it to, cry, yearn, but don't forget - it wasn't meant to be because there will be someone else. Of course, this is me lecturing myself after reading a feel-good teenage highschool romance. Life... it's just like that. It's the moments when you're in the presence of something great that you feel you're on the verge of having something good, but before anything happens, it's gone and the loss of it is heartbreaking. But I will survive. I've already encountered this before. This will just be step up, and a learning experience.

Still neutral. Good, I guess. One can't be numb forever though. 

a love letter

I was looking for an anecdote on Philippine personalities I could share in my class yesterday and finally came upon Alexis Tioseco. The pull of the person that he was was so strong that even though I wasn't prepared enough to share it in my own German translation (yes, it's for a German Lit class), I pushed through with it. Also because the only alternative I have is about the Ver-Ramos rivalry and how Imelda Marcos had the last say. Suffice to say, I didn't do his story justice - next time, surely. But I digress.

I've decided to go with Quark Henares' accounts since he apparently knew Alexis while the latter was still an unknown, working in PDI's 2bU! section. And because I remember reading this interview of Quark where he said that he's living every day so as to fulfill Alexis' wish in his "Wishful Thinking for Philippine Cinema."

Well, backtracking a bit, I came upon this letter of Alexis to Nika here while looking for other sources. And I recognized once again the import of what society has done to a man like Alexis Tioseco. His and Nika's murders are truly a big shame. Someone with this much love, not just for his partner but for society through film - his convictions, his efforts, his vision - we should not deny him his life and us, of his.

I am reposting the letter here because it is truly beautiful. If I only I could write like this...

My dear Nika,

If there has been a single cause of strain that has stuck out in our relationship it is this: the idea of my attachment to the Philippines, the strong desire you see that I have to live and work here, and the way that, perhaps, you see this as a matter of misappropriate priorities. Does a place mean more than a person? Does my work in the Philippines mean more than the possibility of a life with you, somewhere, anywhere else? Must it be you that moves, makes the (I know you hate the word, but let us use it) sacrifice of moving? And what, if anything, does that say about us—that the scales of our love weigh more heavily on your chalice?

I know you’ve come to terms with the idea of moving here, hopefully next year, we discuss—but I still feel the need to talk a bit more about some of my reasons for wanting to stay, at the very least for the meantime. I’m not attempting to compare my affection for Manila with yours for Slovenia, but only to explain the thoughts that go through my head, the things I feel I must do, things that, perhaps, we can do together.

Yours,

Alexis 


Insightful, articulate, a soulful rhythm - I can feel the challenges that have been imposed upon the couple, the consideration, the kindness and love. If I were to receive a letter like this - oh! I live for stuff like this. Living and loving. If only.

"The first impulse is always one of love." - Alexis, in another love letter to Nika and Philippine cinema

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

Lamenting singleblessedness

Somebody confirmed with me last night my sexual orientation. Needless to say, it's the 2nd time in my life I've been asked that. I guess when you meet  a number of new people and don't have a lot of time to interact with them, the sooner things get cleared up the better. Which brings to mind this one other person who I know is thinking of me in that manner. I've tried to dissuade her of that thinking some but not completely outright so I don't know when the opportunity to correct her will come up again. And I think she kind of made this distinction the first time we talked, even though or probably because we've been seeing each other around at work. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I give off this lesbian vibe. It's probably why I'm not attracting anyone at work, for the most part. I can't help it if I want to be a bit girly - dainty, sometimes a bit - how does one put it - slutty, perhaps, one day and then some days, I'd be comfortable with a no nonsense school (i.e. tee shirt)/sporty/androgynous look. I can't help it that since I was young, I've wanted to emulate talented athletes like Martina Hingis (hello, world number 1 at 16!) so I've also been engaged in sports whenever I could though I didn't have the talent and a mentor. I also realized early on the benefits of exercise so I just continued playing some form of basketball and badminton with my siblings at home. Never mind that I tend to have tomboyish tendencies (at least in attire) back then and that I move not in the usual way that young girls who are straight would. Even then, I did not question how I was, although I would sometimes lament why I'm not so concerned with my appearance as girls my age. That's why they got suitors, boyfriends and I didn't. I presumed they were the not-so-strong personality types and I was. And one shouldn't try to be or even present herself as someone she wasn't.

Fast forward to more or less 10 years later. I'm still in that same state as I was back then. Others my age would have changed wardrobes and would be wearing mature clothing, or else exercising more care with how they look. Hell, they'd be experts on putting on makeup and would have them on almost every day that they're out of the house. Even girls younger than me have started out earlier. And I'm the one backpacking my way in a new country, going to football practice once in a while, going surfing and getting browned and not caring one bit how I look. When going to beaches means a chance to show off that sexy bod or that cute bikini, I'd mostly be taking shots of the landscape or my companions and there wouldn't be too many pictures of me.

So what now? I'd like to think that I'm this modern, strong, independent 21st century woman. But a number of  times, being that is not enough. I've been having this recurring thought that it's high time I should be involved with someone emotionally, for the most part. Friends are different. These are the days when oh, melancholy just strikes you and you see people walking in the rain on their way home that late in the night as you. The difference is these people are sharing with each other about their day under one umbrella. Never mind the rain, or the lateness. They just look so right being together. With these many people in the world - hell, even in Metro Manila, you'd think it'd be fairly easy to find someone with whom you'll have some kind of connection.  Well, the universe has so far failed me in that respect.

Maybe it's a matter of not being the person who is, at least, ready to take on a new responsibility like that, on top of all other things. How can you have a boyfriend if your room is messy or you're usually disorganized? But didn't others start out while in high school? People weren't even mature enough back then. Perhaps the boys around here aren't looking deep enough at someone. They're mostly preoccupied by the physical appearance and wouldn't you know it, they'd probably be on an IQ/EQ level that's wholly incompatible with you because they're way below. Why don't Filipino guys like a challenge? If they think it's too much trouble, they wouldn't bother. So is that how things are and will be for the majority of educated Filipinas who are on the wrong side of media's bias on physical attractiveness? Perhaps one's environment is truly limiting. No matter how many people there are at work, if they all think the same way, then there's no hope. It seems one has to turn to foreign lands to be able to even pique someone's interest enough to talk to you. At least, over there one's got a fighting chance, even a sort of level playing field than here. Then when you've started interacting, that's when you'll be able to say if things might go somewhere. A lot of trouble as well, since I don't really intend to work anywhere overseas. Travel yes, but right now, financially things are not so feasible yet. Plus two years more of schooling, so that makes me inching into my 30s before I finally get to travel extensively, and that's if I  have the funds to begin with.

Okay so I'm painting myself a very bleak picture here. I did say before, and still think even now, that I'd be content if I never did find someone to marry. But to not experience the full force of love even for just once? That'd be a real pity. Unerwiderte Liebe (unrequited love) is so not nice, so much so if it took you a little more than a whole year before getting over the thing. It is nice to feel that way about someone, but it would be so much better for those feelings to be reciprocated. One deserves to be appreciated, loved and not just by yourself, but that is a good start. I'm sure other people who don't even really love themselves are loved by others. So why not us enlightened ones?

I could go on and on but well, nothing will come out of this. Another thing I need to add to list of things I need to focus on. But I don't really know what I should focus on. Is it putting myself out there, i.e. going to places I don't really frequent e.g. bars, clubs - to show the world that hey, I'm here, send your lackeys my way? Or is it interacting with foreigners virtually in the hopes that some of them would want to come over here and actually meet up? Priorities clash here. Why am I interested in so many things that I can't possibly fit in additional regular activities like those I mentioned? Ah, because that's who I am. No matter how I want to focus on one thing, I can't because I can't focus if that's the only thing I'm doing. I need to be engaged in other things at the same time. I work better if I know that so many things are required of me from the different aspects or activities of my life. So yeah, I guess the only answer I can give myself is to just be content with singlehood, like how I've been for the past 15 or so years. And when the longing arises, read some feel-good Dramione fics or other romance stories (however improbable they may be) and continue to be touched by heartrending scenes like when Ludo writes to Anna in ZweiOhrKüken (sequel to KeinOhrHasen or Rabbit Without Ears) because they broke up and he misses her so much and even though they were not even of the same stature and lookout in life when they met up again after being their childhood's bully and bullied pair, he is saddened and disappointed by everything that's happened but he still can't believe he won't be living his life without her. That letter and the accompanying montage had me shedding tears before I knew it, in front of my cousin who was also working on her laptop opposite me. Really, what beauty that was. It might be the movies but the message is still something. It's really touching to know someone feels about you that intensely because you're important in their life.

Well, as one famous Filipino song goes "Habang may buhay..." (translation: while one still lives). Hope. Perhaps all is not lost.

photo from http://indianfusion.aglasem.com/story/

looking at the same things the other way around

thoughts running through my head on the bus earlier

- how even though i've managed to avoid looking at k for the past week, he still looks at me. is it that he's wanting to incite the same thing we used to do? both times i've noticed when i came back from the 24th floor via the stairs. last sunday i was in a dress. today, well the top button of the gray coverup was open and i'm not sure if any cleavage is being shown. both times i was in heels. and it's not like he tried to avert his gaze soon after. oh no. it was I who did that. and yet earlier, he was crying out how he spent the weekend with his girlfriend in antipolo. what the eff... and so, even though i've resolved to ignore him, or whatever it was, it gets me thinking again... digging up pieces of evidence that suggest something else

- thinking about touch, and what it means. did me allowing e to hold my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, hell, letting him kiss me on the cheek equate to me wanting to do more of that? am i much too forward for having done that for the past two meetups, and both in the confines of the taxi? it's not like it's our first "date" but it did seem like our first after the long hiatus. or is it the anticipation of something else that has me warming up to the idea of touch? hearing him wet his lips - did he think maybe he wanted to take it further? what would I do next time, if ever he did try something? will i indulge him, myself? should i do more when he holds my hand - i.e. squeeze, make more contact possible?

- how will i handle being in a relationship with him? he's not the alpha male type, and i have a tendency to take control of things... will i be dominant? what happens when they have gigs? when he falls sick? i can see myself doing what my friend used to do.

- how before none of these concerns would be taking up a lot of my thinking time, but now, there's not only 1 but 2 characters in there, sometimes 3 or 4... the things that change as you grow older

senti-men(ts)

Cusack's boombox scene in Say Anything kind
of captures the traditional senti Sunday mood

I just got home, and now I'm eating spaghetti and meat sauce. JAM is off the air for a few more hours, so rather than subjecting my ears to noisy pop ditties, I succumbed to listening to songs of yesteryears. Senti Sunday it is.

When I was a kid, Sundays meant the songs of my parents' younger years blasting from the speakers, courtesy of Star FM's Never on Sunday program. Staples were Tennessee Waltz, Sad Movies and that song that goes 'How much is that doggie in the window?' Twenty-something years later, I'm no longer surprised that songs played in programs like MYX Backtrax were by the BSB or Spice Girls. I'm not sure when Till They Take My Heart Away became popular but that song, and others like Take My Breath Away and Crazy for You define this wee-hours-of-the-morning's playlist. Nothing like being by your lonesome accompanied bye these kinds of songs permeating the airwaves, huh?

Incidentally, earlier tonight I found this poem by Alma S. Anonas. I was reading the 2002 Likhaan Book of Poetry and Fiction in between taking calls and somehow found myself going through the poetry section and reading them out loud, something I'm not usually won't to do. It's called Reply and (in the tradition of making song dedications over the radio) this goes out to you who will in the future ignite such curiosity as well.

Reply | Alma S. Anonas

You asked me
Why I kissed you
That scotched
Saturday evening.

Because I was curious.
Because I had drunk three-fourths
Of a bottle of scotch.
Because you asked me with your eyes.

Had I been sober,
Had I been sane,
Your lips
Would never have touched mine.

I kept my eyes closed
To your exquisitely ugly face.
I hadn't gone that far
Into the black yet.
Nothing personal.

I just wanted a period
To answer the question mark
Of what you tasted like.

Now I know.

Earlier last night as well when one of my officemates was talking to me, I somehow came to realize that I'd definitely go for a guy who reads, and not just magazines or the current thriller or fantasy novels. I'd go for someone who reads literature. He'd be extremely sexy in my mind; he'd share to me what lit is about as I have close to nada in understanding the classics, even if I sometimes read them. His thoughts will be of a depth and extent unlike any I have ever encountered. He will explain to me the different themes of different canon in between cuddling or whatnot. He'd quote lines and ignite my imagination while sharing to me his literary world. And it would help if he's got a hot bod and is not a wimp. Oh I am so drooling right now!

Yum!

thoughts from the bedlam

So this is how it feels like to not have to set your phone's alarm clock, to hopefully wake up to, some four hours after you've lain down; to not have to absorb all those information, exercising your brain cells to comprehend the logic and rules of the thing three hours a day four days a week; to reread Dune leisurely without a care of what else you're supposed to be doing (except maybe answering all those letters and postcards) and be truly excited that you're finally reading again, this time for pure pleasure...

You have all these unbidden thoughts swirling in your head and one just leads right to the other...

One day, you're reveling in the fact that it was Stiles's Katarina Stratford character in one of your favorite movies that got you into this whole non-conformist semi-feminist mode you've been in since, well, probably the first time you saw that movie and that love is a bad boy but sweet character, and a non-conformist like you, a la Heath's Pat Verona, who will break your heart at first, but who will eventually find the error of his ways because, well, he realizes he does love you and that his world won't be right without you.

And no matter how much of a non-conformist and an independent gal you think you are, do you think the world sees just how shallow or deep you've gone? For that matter, does the world really care? What have you really done to further that aspect of yourself? You're proud of that self-proclaimed label, but is that how others really perceive you? You claim to know a lot of things, but really, all the things you know just skim the surface of the topic... shallow, isn't it?

You say you want to do this, you want to be that... but have you done anything to be one step closer to achieving those? It's been years since you've determined to set out for those things. Isn't it high time that you're seeing results now?

You've prided yourself all this time about how much information your brain has accumulated and could retrieve at any point in time, excelling in general information in quiz bee categories back in elementary. It's true: knowledge is power. However, have you done anything to capitalize on all that knowledge? Even now, when you know what things you like to focus on and how you seem to understand the inner workings of and the external influences that affect certain stuff, have you ever had any impetus to put all those to good use for your development as a person, or even as a careerwoman? Well, impetus, yes; follow up actions, no.

It's seemed that you've just been content to ride the tides, doing as little as possible to stay afloat but still exist a bit comfortably compared to many. Too comfortable in fact that, even though reality shows you that brains and some personality alone don't get a guy, but all the efforts you muster for your appearance and equal amounts wiliness, you remain resolute and somehow content to let this moment in time pass by.

Despite knowing all this, still you remain, non-girlfriend material girl (yes, you've finally realized and admitted it), a bit oblivious, a bit naive, a bit idealistic, a bit unchanging, and a bit hopeful, all in almost equal measure.

it's just ... taking me over

I knew. The moment I saw that flash of black in my peripheral vision, I knew - like how I knew I'll be safe everytime I go home at ungodly hours. I was that sure. I had half a mind to turn to you just to ascertain as you walked past, but I stopped myself, because I already knew. And because... well, just because. So the first time we talked in weeks, the few times in which we do are nowadays limited to work, my mind was saying ha! that one sentence, that brief touch on your shoulder and the smell of his cologne, ha! you said you were done with him? now look who's talking.

I did say I was finally over with the whole brouhaha over you some posts ago, but those few seconds of attention directed at me, with the slightest of personal touches - all the non-interaction, almost-cold-shoulder brush-offs of weeks past are relegated to the smallest compartment in the back of my mind to hide it all away, allowing me to revel once more in the feelings you used to incite, and it seems, still continue to incite, with not much effort on your part.

Gaah...Who'd have thought you're as ingrained in me as my propensity to follow rules or procrastinate endlessly?  It was only when I got home that I realized its implications. In the old place where it all began, I could see you, albeit not full body and most times just the back of your head, and even with that limitation, there were telltale signs I've learned through the months for me to be sure it was you. Every passing head looking like yours - I'd lock in on that spot and I'd know as soon as I gaze at it whether it's you or not.  Now, there's not much opportunity for looking. And yet, you passing the aisle, or even through our bay with my back to you - am I really that conditioned and tuned in? Forget conditioned. How could I, without seeing, be certain?

Mind-boggling. Though I've long ago done away with all the thoughts that used to accompany you, this one encounter brought back the lovely feelings of the past. One-sided and self-propagated they may have been, they are the incentive by which I believe people pursue love, a feeling everyone is entitled to, that everyone deserves to experience at least once and that someday, I will also find one who will let me feel those permanently or if not, for a long, long time.

*Ambivalent, like.

Many hours before this morning, I was completely confident, sure in what I was about to embark on. There was none of the self-consciousness or self-doubt that have crept up as I allowed myself to think of other possibilities. Well, one's gotta react to the issue at hand. So that with a wee bit of disappointment, I've managed to screw my views once again.

Damaging, like. It's something you can't help thinking, especially when you're on the verge of giving yourself completely to another. You'd think the other was as willing as you are in accepting another person... and with a little of this and a little of that, you start thinking that that may well not be the case. Once again, you've read too much into your interactions, the other's actions, to satisfy the fantasy world you've built.

Or...

You may just simply be overthinking things again. Isn't it better to just give in to the moment? Live it while it's happening and stop anymore of this senseless analysis when you can't really get to the root of your conflict unless you confront the person yourself.

As I've written in my previous blog's sidebar:

Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less and stop watching ourselves live. -- Nicolas de Chamfort

Too true, in my case. If only it was that easy.


*Inspired by Ewan McGregor and his crew in Trainspotting

here we go again

I believe that you can do whatever it is you want once you set your mind to it. All the disappointments and challenges in the world can be overcome by just thinking that they don't affect you much, that you'd still have a chance to remedy things; you don't have to pander on and on about how much of a waste your efforts were, or what you could've done with the time lost. No amount of sulking or sourgraping will change what happened. So the best thing would be to change how you think about it, move on and start doing what's needed. Indeed, being happy is all in the mind. And I have that written down in my profile.

I'm inclined to believe that I have the strength of mind to do this everytime I encounter something that's not up to my expectations. But I've come to realize lately that indeed, some things are far stronger than what I imagine them to be. Foremost among these is my emotions towards a certain... hmm, something.

It's the same pattern. Despite telling myself that I should stop imagining scenarios in my head, my brain just goes ahead and does it. I'd be thinking what to do next, and then soon enough, there'd be scenes playing in my head and it's on a roll and I'm in situations that are way too deep for me to actually expect them to happen. Or there'd be another development and immediately, my brain answers it with scenes up to a satisfactory ending. The thing with me fixating on this is that I expect... when I know I shouldn't be. Because the last time I did, I was disappointed big time. A heartbreak indeed. And it was a  while before I got over the whole thing. And while I was trying to get over the thing, I'd be in an emotional slide, high one time, then slowly slipping downwards until I'm rock bottom. And there are very few things in the world that could make me right again.

So I'm observing the same patterns again. I've tried to distance myself from the events, thinking that I can eventually master my emotions. And indeed I do, then I realize that going on with that line of thinking will end up with me no longer caring about what's happening. And it would be a sad thing. I'd be immune to whatever is happening, that I can no longer respond appropriately. It would be a shame if that were to happen. I wouldn't want that to happen.

So I try not to overthink, to overimagine events. But then, this thing that I'm expecting has been inexplicably tied to whatever pleasant emotions I'm feeling for the day, or for a certain stretch of time. Previously, it was only work that was causing me this emotional rollercoaster (just like last time), but now, another factor has added to it. And it's got a greater weight than work (again, like last time).

This is not good, because when I'm in the pits, I lose the drive to do anything at all. I'd be like this until I force myself to interact with other people hoping they could cheer me back up (which happens most of the time when I'm not too closed off to the world). But when I'm by myself again, I find that I have not recovered. I have simply put away the gloomy feelings for awhile before unlocking them again. Now is not a good time to be having those phases because besides working, I have school as well. I'm behind assignments. I realized the full brunt of being behind in my lessons yesterday and being helpless got me so scared. I don't want to waste the opportunity for studies I have right now.

I want to end this, like get to the bottom of this if I only knew the other's side. Walking this tightrope is a little frustrating because of what it does to my motivation towards other things. One moment I'm unsure, then I'd have a little hope with the help of a little positive imagination, only for me to squash it  some more with further analysis. Then I'd try to be neutral again to assuage the disappointment I'm having. Then I'd have some news and I'd be feeling light and a bit happy, like now. It's the down times that I hate because that translates to having little or no motivation for the other aspects of my life. And I'm sure I'd be going through this cycle again. I wouldn't want to stop at this right now, because who knows what might happen? I might find happiness, or at least something worth feeling all bonkers over when I weather this whole thing. And here I am being hopeful again...

I have to make the most of this chance because I've already missed out on this during my high school and college years. I no longer have the luxury of experiencing some innocent high school romance or even a simple college romance. Now as I'm older, things are more complicated because the world is bigger and the stakes are higher, and interests and priorities have changed.

I do believe that I can move on if this pans out to nothing. I wonder how long it'll take again though.

a most enlightening Friday with friends

Friday,
a prelude to better things to come - 
namely a weekend
of sport or adventure,
catching up with friends, 
eating out,
meeting new people, 
historical and photogrpahy delights - 
before plunging into another week of work and school.

So it was futsal Friday, and then it became Friuli Friday, so that in its entirety, it was friendship Friday.

It's been awhile since I hit the courts of Maginhawa with FC Sikad members, and the other day was a good time as any to make it into a regular habit. My accuracy in passing was off, I made defensive mistakes and didn't overlap enough to make the most of the attacks instigated by our talented midfielder Atet; but I wasn't as out of breath as I thought I'd be, and I've made some lucky saves when I was on goal. That's enough for now, after maybe a year of non-practice or any other physical activity that involves running. I did leave an hour earlier because I'm due to meet with friends. But I hope to see the guys and gals again next week.

I've been craving for pizza for a few days now, and had my first taste of it before I went to futsal practice. It was just a slice; and I've already agreed with Fati and Joyce that we're going to Friuli that day - Fati misses their pasta, and I've been craving for some pizza for a few days now and the price at Friuli never hurts even if you order both and more. There were only three of us and about five plates of food laid out on our wee table.

Pizza Marinara at Friuli Trattoria

Joyce had Spaghetti al Pesto and the Buono Verdure pizza (both for vegetarians) while between Fati and I, we shared a Marinara pizza, Spaghetti a la Puttanesca and ravioli. Suffice it to say that we were already quite filled up even when only half of the stuff was gone. Everything was a good choice, except maybe for the ravioli. This was also my second time trying out their Marinara, and it's still as good as ever. I love the combination of saltiness and sweetness - nothing overpowering the other. And at P195 for eight slices, it's a steal. I also like their pesto sauce better than most of the others I've tried in malls. True pesto sauce is made from olive oil, and I don't appreciate my pesto being too dry. It was over these that we've taken turns regaling tales about yes, the male species that are coloring our lives at the moment. It's a good thing they're open until 2 am. It has only been about two weeks since we last saw each other, and then there were all these things happening. It's a good thing we didn't need to hurry and we had all the time to finish our stories.


We were walking back to Philcoa to catch our respective rides home, when the conversation turned to stuff about relationships - which is more important, dedication or passion, and the like, and when Fati invited us to have a round or two of beer at Sarah's, we obliged. After all, we've never drunk together before, so in the spirit of spontaneity, we made a go at it. And I did remark earlier in the evening that kwentuhans become better with alcohol involved. That's what happened the last time I was at Sarah's. And I guess it works the other way around as well; kuwentuhan makes downing beer a lot easier. Or maybe it's because I've developed some tolerance for the bitter taste through the years (which is a bit improbable given that I've rarely had beer when I used to go out regularly with another trio of people).

I decided to try something new, and had the Super Dry with Fati. And we asked questions about ourselves, and what we want to have in our relationships (two of us are so-called NBSBs), and Joyce had inputs from a spiritual and communal mindset while Fati had inputs from an anthrological perspective. It was all so enlightening.

stripped the label off my bottle of Super Dry

It's a good thing when you realize certain things about yourself during the course of the conversations. I did bring up my dream lifestyle in a previous post. I'll be living with my little one in a house by the surf. And I just realized and/or proclaimed with finality on the13th of a July Friday night that my ultimate dream is becoming a mom. Since that post, I've had this image in my mind of me holding a toddler looking out our window to the sea. It's something that I'm sure of, but I never really knew where it came from. It started out as a concept. And it evolved into that image. And that's my ultimate dream, because by then, I'm thinking I've done all the other things I want to do.

And so with some more banter (i.e. them telling me that a guy (married and with a kid at that) doesn't text you from afternoon till midnight for nothing) and other revelations over a second bottle and Joyce's first, we ended the Friday night knowing more about each other. Just like the last time, we were one of the last ones to leave - the caretakers have already cleaned up the other tables. 

Joyce's light and my first time trying out the 'Tatay Beer' with Fati

It's a good thing I have these two ladies to have these kinds of talks with. I just realized now where Joyce got the name Ladies' Talk which is what she calls our regular meetups. 

I do hope to make some advances on the relationship front, if I may be so bold to declare. 

But what counts more is having these ladies to share stories with until we grow old and have achieved what we set out to do.