it's just ... taking me over

I knew. The moment I saw that flash of black in my peripheral vision, I knew - like how I knew I'll be safe everytime I go home at ungodly hours. I was that sure. I had half a mind to turn to you just to ascertain as you walked past, but I stopped myself, because I already knew. And because... well, just because. So the first time we talked in weeks, the few times in which we do are nowadays limited to work, my mind was saying ha! that one sentence, that brief touch on your shoulder and the smell of his cologne, ha! you said you were done with him? now look who's talking.

I did say I was finally over with the whole brouhaha over you some posts ago, but those few seconds of attention directed at me, with the slightest of personal touches - all the non-interaction, almost-cold-shoulder brush-offs of weeks past are relegated to the smallest compartment in the back of my mind to hide it all away, allowing me to revel once more in the feelings you used to incite, and it seems, still continue to incite, with not much effort on your part.

Gaah...Who'd have thought you're as ingrained in me as my propensity to follow rules or procrastinate endlessly?  It was only when I got home that I realized its implications. In the old place where it all began, I could see you, albeit not full body and most times just the back of your head, and even with that limitation, there were telltale signs I've learned through the months for me to be sure it was you. Every passing head looking like yours - I'd lock in on that spot and I'd know as soon as I gaze at it whether it's you or not.  Now, there's not much opportunity for looking. And yet, you passing the aisle, or even through our bay with my back to you - am I really that conditioned and tuned in? Forget conditioned. How could I, without seeing, be certain?

Mind-boggling. Though I've long ago done away with all the thoughts that used to accompany you, this one encounter brought back the lovely feelings of the past. One-sided and self-propagated they may have been, they are the incentive by which I believe people pursue love, a feeling everyone is entitled to, that everyone deserves to experience at least once and that someday, I will also find one who will let me feel those permanently or if not, for a long, long time.