movie notes on a Saturday

It’s 5:42 AM and well, my eyes are just inching a bit into Sleeplandia but not yet totally there. The black Kopiko has done its job once again.

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1:02 PM

After hashing out some stuff on the computer for my resume, my battery went kaputt, so it was time to leave the library. It was already past 8 then. When I came to the Vinzons jeepney stop, there was a long line there. Seems like there was traffic somewhere. After some 30 minutes or so of standing up, and with people leaving the line to get to their destinations faster, I finally boarded the 2^nd jeep. I’ve been thinking about ordering Pasta Puttanesca for takeout. And then I remembered Ender’s Game because I’ve been wondering about it in the library. And true enough, it was showing in Trinoma. Next show was at 9:55 pm, about 20 minutes away, so there’s nothing to be done about the grocery I was supposed to do. Bought a chicken burrito from Mexicali and wintermelon milk tea from Gongcha instead. And there. Settled inside the cinema. Weird that cinema 7 is not directly connected to the other cinemas. So that’s the place where not so popular movies are shown I guess. Still, there was a sizable crowd.

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11.18 pm

So it starts. I believe the opening was really nice, giving an overview of the current situation in Ender's time. Short but informative. 'Course things are changed a bit. Most noticeable thing is the boys are older. In the book, Ender was just 5 turning 6. Really just a child. Here he was shooting into puberty. When he shouts, you can hear the crack in his voice, he hasn’t matured yet, but is almost there.  And they are tall boys. Bean is already part of his launch group. Dap is no ordinary student but a full-fledged sergeant at the IF. Anderson is a black woman, with the conscience. I believed it was the other way around.  Abigail Breslin as Valentine -  wow, she’s really grown up. And his brother Peter is a looker. I didn’t really get a sense of how sadistic Peter was. Because in the book, that characterization was repeated, over and over. And Valentine and Peter's side story  – Demosthenes and Locke – wasn’t used anymore. So was Ender’s journey with Valentine to find a home for the queen of the buggers. I also expected Petra to be more eccentric, but here she was just goody two shoes, normal looking. And they’re exploring a romantic angle between her and Ender, not with her and Dink. 

The isolation thing was not too nicely done. Again, my basis was the book, so with what I've seen, it seemed the movie was not giving enough reason to justify the way the story’s been going. I’d have liked to see more of the Battle Room scenes in the book explored in the movie. But well, that’s the limitation of a movie adaptation. I’m not sure if Ender's brilliance was justified (like how he made sense of things), nor his frustration, nor his internal and external struggles, nor the changes in how his schoolmates and the officers saw him. The Battle Room was very nice though. And Bozo Madrid was really hateful there. A real Spanish looking warfreak smaller than Ender who just wants to get his own way.  My friend Nicole did say Asa Butterfield doesn’t have much talent to speak of. It showed. He didn’t have to act a lot. It seemed the movie was more predominated by the special effects, since of course, it was set in a more technologically advanced future.  It was just amazing though having to see the battle scenes made into something visual - like when he had to reorient himself during the final battle by saying that the enemy’s gate was down. Yeah, that was something else. And to be able to zoom in from where you are at the other side of the galaxy and zoom in right to the surface of the planet they were attacking - coolness!Well, I should watch it again once I’ve sufficiently distanced myself  from the book. Just so I could appreciate it better. 

I actually read or maybe heard somewhere that it combines stuff from Ender’s Game and Ender’s Shadow. Well, so far, all it was was the whole Ender’s Game, from beginning to end. If it was longer, it would’ve been fine. Shoot, I really wanted it to end up really really nice. Since Orson Scott Card was the producer or was he part of the screenplay (?), somehow I thought it would be okay. When I watched the trailer over a month ago, I had goosebumps. Something I love being turned into a movie. Oh, I really thought it would be epic. I have to find that aspect of it. 

Oh well, I should give it some time.

And just before launching into my impression of Ender’s Game, I watched The Internship. It seems like it was officially sanctioned by Google, because hell yeah, their setting is the actual campus in CA. Complete with the free food, slide, sleep pod, dance classes and electric cars. And two old timers, Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson are trying to make it , to get a job even though their tech knowledge is nowhere near basic. Is that how they really get interns and eventual employees? It was really fun and challenging. I like Lyle. And the Indian girl is so beautiful. But the two main characters are really the cohesive glue of the team. I love their people skills and the veritable Geeklandia as well - they play quidditch, with brooms!  

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

Lamenting singleblessedness

Somebody confirmed with me last night my sexual orientation. Needless to say, it's the 2nd time in my life I've been asked that. I guess when you meet  a number of new people and don't have a lot of time to interact with them, the sooner things get cleared up the better. Which brings to mind this one other person who I know is thinking of me in that manner. I've tried to dissuade her of that thinking some but not completely outright so I don't know when the opportunity to correct her will come up again. And I think she kind of made this distinction the first time we talked, even though or probably because we've been seeing each other around at work. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I give off this lesbian vibe. It's probably why I'm not attracting anyone at work, for the most part. I can't help it if I want to be a bit girly - dainty, sometimes a bit - how does one put it - slutty, perhaps, one day and then some days, I'd be comfortable with a no nonsense school (i.e. tee shirt)/sporty/androgynous look. I can't help it that since I was young, I've wanted to emulate talented athletes like Martina Hingis (hello, world number 1 at 16!) so I've also been engaged in sports whenever I could though I didn't have the talent and a mentor. I also realized early on the benefits of exercise so I just continued playing some form of basketball and badminton with my siblings at home. Never mind that I tend to have tomboyish tendencies (at least in attire) back then and that I move not in the usual way that young girls who are straight would. Even then, I did not question how I was, although I would sometimes lament why I'm not so concerned with my appearance as girls my age. That's why they got suitors, boyfriends and I didn't. I presumed they were the not-so-strong personality types and I was. And one shouldn't try to be or even present herself as someone she wasn't.

Fast forward to more or less 10 years later. I'm still in that same state as I was back then. Others my age would have changed wardrobes and would be wearing mature clothing, or else exercising more care with how they look. Hell, they'd be experts on putting on makeup and would have them on almost every day that they're out of the house. Even girls younger than me have started out earlier. And I'm the one backpacking my way in a new country, going to football practice once in a while, going surfing and getting browned and not caring one bit how I look. When going to beaches means a chance to show off that sexy bod or that cute bikini, I'd mostly be taking shots of the landscape or my companions and there wouldn't be too many pictures of me.

So what now? I'd like to think that I'm this modern, strong, independent 21st century woman. But a number of  times, being that is not enough. I've been having this recurring thought that it's high time I should be involved with someone emotionally, for the most part. Friends are different. These are the days when oh, melancholy just strikes you and you see people walking in the rain on their way home that late in the night as you. The difference is these people are sharing with each other about their day under one umbrella. Never mind the rain, or the lateness. They just look so right being together. With these many people in the world - hell, even in Metro Manila, you'd think it'd be fairly easy to find someone with whom you'll have some kind of connection.  Well, the universe has so far failed me in that respect.

Maybe it's a matter of not being the person who is, at least, ready to take on a new responsibility like that, on top of all other things. How can you have a boyfriend if your room is messy or you're usually disorganized? But didn't others start out while in high school? People weren't even mature enough back then. Perhaps the boys around here aren't looking deep enough at someone. They're mostly preoccupied by the physical appearance and wouldn't you know it, they'd probably be on an IQ/EQ level that's wholly incompatible with you because they're way below. Why don't Filipino guys like a challenge? If they think it's too much trouble, they wouldn't bother. So is that how things are and will be for the majority of educated Filipinas who are on the wrong side of media's bias on physical attractiveness? Perhaps one's environment is truly limiting. No matter how many people there are at work, if they all think the same way, then there's no hope. It seems one has to turn to foreign lands to be able to even pique someone's interest enough to talk to you. At least, over there one's got a fighting chance, even a sort of level playing field than here. Then when you've started interacting, that's when you'll be able to say if things might go somewhere. A lot of trouble as well, since I don't really intend to work anywhere overseas. Travel yes, but right now, financially things are not so feasible yet. Plus two years more of schooling, so that makes me inching into my 30s before I finally get to travel extensively, and that's if I  have the funds to begin with.

Okay so I'm painting myself a very bleak picture here. I did say before, and still think even now, that I'd be content if I never did find someone to marry. But to not experience the full force of love even for just once? That'd be a real pity. Unerwiderte Liebe (unrequited love) is so not nice, so much so if it took you a little more than a whole year before getting over the thing. It is nice to feel that way about someone, but it would be so much better for those feelings to be reciprocated. One deserves to be appreciated, loved and not just by yourself, but that is a good start. I'm sure other people who don't even really love themselves are loved by others. So why not us enlightened ones?

I could go on and on but well, nothing will come out of this. Another thing I need to add to list of things I need to focus on. But I don't really know what I should focus on. Is it putting myself out there, i.e. going to places I don't really frequent e.g. bars, clubs - to show the world that hey, I'm here, send your lackeys my way? Or is it interacting with foreigners virtually in the hopes that some of them would want to come over here and actually meet up? Priorities clash here. Why am I interested in so many things that I can't possibly fit in additional regular activities like those I mentioned? Ah, because that's who I am. No matter how I want to focus on one thing, I can't because I can't focus if that's the only thing I'm doing. I need to be engaged in other things at the same time. I work better if I know that so many things are required of me from the different aspects or activities of my life. So yeah, I guess the only answer I can give myself is to just be content with singlehood, like how I've been for the past 15 or so years. And when the longing arises, read some feel-good Dramione fics or other romance stories (however improbable they may be) and continue to be touched by heartrending scenes like when Ludo writes to Anna in ZweiOhrKüken (sequel to KeinOhrHasen or Rabbit Without Ears) because they broke up and he misses her so much and even though they were not even of the same stature and lookout in life when they met up again after being their childhood's bully and bullied pair, he is saddened and disappointed by everything that's happened but he still can't believe he won't be living his life without her. That letter and the accompanying montage had me shedding tears before I knew it, in front of my cousin who was also working on her laptop opposite me. Really, what beauty that was. It might be the movies but the message is still something. It's really touching to know someone feels about you that intensely because you're important in their life.

Well, as one famous Filipino song goes "Habang may buhay..." (translation: while one still lives). Hope. Perhaps all is not lost.

photo from http://indianfusion.aglasem.com/story/

I saw one of Jen Horn's self-reminders on her blog recently. They were timely because around that time, I was thinking along those same lines. This particular reminder from Gretchen Rubin reads

What you do EVERYDAY matters MORE than what you do once in a while.  

Indeed, I've been involved in a number of things throughout the years, and yet, I still haven't mastered enough of one thing. So it seems like it's time to strike some things out of the things I'll put my focus on.

I was on this train of thought when I got to thinking about this thing I have wanted to do since I was younger but for which I still have nothing to show for. Nope, those unfinished fanfics and Nanowrimo entries don't count. Blogs as well, for that matter, though I believe some of those blog entries were truly inspired.

So does this mean that surfing has to go? Surfing isn't so easy to do with me living in the city and the nearest waves to be found are about 3 to 6 hours away from here and even then, one can't do it the whole year round. Plus I'm busy with both school and work.

No surfing.

My soul would bleed. I can't fathom... a life without waves.



Photography, writing and some fitness regimen - these three are easier to do right now since they require equipment I already have. What remains now are the motivation to do them regularly and having proper self-management (a concept I picked up from my friend Vivian) to be able to fit them into my activities.

NO, I won't give up surfing. After reading this on Salt Gypsy's FB page, their daily inspiration courtesy of Chris Guillebeau,

Build your own reality. Decide for yourself what this reality looks like. No one is stopping you, and the next step is yours to take. 

of course, yes, truly, why would I ever? Why do I ever forget that nothing is truly impossible if you really really want it to happen? Though reality and emotions intrude every now and then, we have to keep our dreams alive. Perhaps I'll even be using a shortboard and conquering Hawaii's Pipeline someday.

My friend Ryan out to conquer more waves one June weekend in his backyard, photo by yours truly

thoughts from the bedlam

So this is how it feels like to not have to set your phone's alarm clock, to hopefully wake up to, some four hours after you've lain down; to not have to absorb all those information, exercising your brain cells to comprehend the logic and rules of the thing three hours a day four days a week; to reread Dune leisurely without a care of what else you're supposed to be doing (except maybe answering all those letters and postcards) and be truly excited that you're finally reading again, this time for pure pleasure...

You have all these unbidden thoughts swirling in your head and one just leads right to the other...

One day, you're reveling in the fact that it was Stiles's Katarina Stratford character in one of your favorite movies that got you into this whole non-conformist semi-feminist mode you've been in since, well, probably the first time you saw that movie and that love is a bad boy but sweet character, and a non-conformist like you, a la Heath's Pat Verona, who will break your heart at first, but who will eventually find the error of his ways because, well, he realizes he does love you and that his world won't be right without you.

And no matter how much of a non-conformist and an independent gal you think you are, do you think the world sees just how shallow or deep you've gone? For that matter, does the world really care? What have you really done to further that aspect of yourself? You're proud of that self-proclaimed label, but is that how others really perceive you? You claim to know a lot of things, but really, all the things you know just skim the surface of the topic... shallow, isn't it?

You say you want to do this, you want to be that... but have you done anything to be one step closer to achieving those? It's been years since you've determined to set out for those things. Isn't it high time that you're seeing results now?

You've prided yourself all this time about how much information your brain has accumulated and could retrieve at any point in time, excelling in general information in quiz bee categories back in elementary. It's true: knowledge is power. However, have you done anything to capitalize on all that knowledge? Even now, when you know what things you like to focus on and how you seem to understand the inner workings of and the external influences that affect certain stuff, have you ever had any impetus to put all those to good use for your development as a person, or even as a careerwoman? Well, impetus, yes; follow up actions, no.

It's seemed that you've just been content to ride the tides, doing as little as possible to stay afloat but still exist a bit comfortably compared to many. Too comfortable in fact that, even though reality shows you that brains and some personality alone don't get a guy, but all the efforts you muster for your appearance and equal amounts wiliness, you remain resolute and somehow content to let this moment in time pass by.

Despite knowing all this, still you remain, non-girlfriend material girl (yes, you've finally realized and admitted it), a bit oblivious, a bit naive, a bit idealistic, a bit unchanging, and a bit hopeful, all in almost equal measure.

Ika nga ng Nazareth...

Drawn by Sofia Falkenhem
for her friend's collection of
love/horror stories,
check out her other
drawings at
http://sofiafalkenhem.blogspot.com

Love hurts.

Written in an hour (as soon as my shift started) late in 2011, if I remember correctly, whereafter the demands of work i.e., call volume, have rendered me unable to continue the relation of events which can be seen as fundamental to the understanding of the initial outburst of emotion, the following started out as a rant and soon became an attempt to use the misfortune into something that, with hope, may prove, no matter how far-fetched the idea may be, to be a suitable first foray (like all the other ideas I've thrown into the typewritten page) into the world of romance writing.

Some parts have been re-worded or rewritten for better reading, and while the inconsistency in voice in the fourth paragraph can be immediately corrected, I chose to let that part remain unchanged to somehow highlight the strength of emotion I had while writing those lines.

Let the heartbreak begin...

***

Heto na naman siya. Nakatunganga, nakatigin sa kawalan. Hindi namamalayan ang paglipas ng oras. Or to put it more correctly, nakikita niya ang pagpalit ng oras mula alas-tres, alas-kwatro, alas-singko hanggang alas-sais na ng gabi pero hindi niya ito iniinda. Oo, nasasayang ang oras, pero hindi niya makuhang ibaling ang atensyon sa mga mas importanteng bagay - sa paksang kailangang aralin para sa pagsusulit bukas, sa paghahanda para sa bakaysong matagal na niyang inaasam-asam. Pero kahit para sa huli ay ni hindi man lang niyang makuhang maging excited.

Kasabay ng pag-eemo moment niya ngayon ay naka-loop ang tila theme song ng kanyang pag-eemo. 'Nasubukan mo na bang matulog nang bigo sa pag-ibig,' tanong ni Alicia Keys. Kasama ang mabigat na bagsak ng mga beats at ang madramang melodiya - perpekto ito para sa nararamdaman niya ngayon, na nararamdaman niya dati pa pero napagdesiyunan na niyang wag na 'to isipan pa muli; na ang pagsisimula ng bagong buhay ay ang pagkalimot sa isang pangit na karanasan.

Pero sa emosyon, madalas talo ka. Natuklasan niya ito sa ilang ulit nang pag-betray sa kanya ng mga emosyon kahit ano pa man ang sabihin ng kanyag utak. Kapag nagsimula nang mamuo ang mga punla ng depresyon, tuluy-tuloy na yan. Hindi na niya mapipigilan ang pulso ng damdamin. At kadalasan ngayon, simula ng mga pangyayaring ngayo'y gumugulo na naman sa kanya, ang kanyang pagkalungkot ay umiikot sa kawalan ng iniibig. Kung bakit ba naman kasi kinailangan pa niyang pumasok sa buhay niya nang ganun diba? Wala siyang ganitong problema dati, kasi nga nbsb nga naman. Wala ring nanliligaw. Kaya ayos lang, masaya ang buhay. Kapag na-depress ay sarili lang ang kailangang sisihin. Tungkol lang naman dati sa purpose niya sa buhay ang ikinadi-depress niya. Ngayon, iba nang anggulo. May iba nang dimensyon ang kanyang pagkalungkot. Pumapalibot na rin sa isa pang tao. Nakakainis lang. Sa ilang buwan nang nakalipas, di pa rin niya maiwaksi ang mga nangyari at ang mga damdaming itinago lang niya. Pathetic, iniisip niya, to pine over one guy when there are so many others around. Ano bang meron sa kanya?

someplace familiar

ever felt like you don't know what you're doing? things are happening, in fact things that you caused to happen, and then you

get a taste of reality, or what you take for reality, and suddenly, you feel like you're unequipped to deal with it, you might as well

give up. for really, what's the point right?

one-track minded

Out of fear for myself, I just have to let this out.

I've never been so one-track minded as i am now.

The whole idea has taken over me, invading my waking thoughts. with my hyperactive imagination, I've envisioned countless scenarios, new situations springing up in my head everytime the day brings something new to my limited arsenal of facts or evidence, or else some realization I'm having regarding the current situation. When I'm not preoccupied with it, my mind strays to it and before long, I've more than a healthy amount of daydreams/stories to account for what went on in my afternoons before going to work, or else the time when I just woke up.

And this is pretty frustrating. Can't think of anything else, I'm obsessed. There came a point that I lost all sense of direction, and was just mindlessly waiting for the next thing to happen. It's the newness of this thing, and the fact that I do want it - not just because it is something new for me, but also, I do want to share myself with someone else.

One-track minded as I was, I have gone into this quite mindlessly, sacrificing a few things, my physical well-being being one, my sense of self another, letting my life dangle on a thread waiting for his next move.

Besides this at times frustrating feeling of being in limbo, there's the belief that if you want something badly enough, the universe will conspire for you to get it. So does that mean i'm not even up to any level in wanting anything - this! - badly, that the universe doesn't help me get what I want? This is just a matter related to myself, of course. I've never really wanted anything so badly like this, i think. Maybe that's it, because i want it really bad, i should be doing more than just sitting here, waiting. Make a move perhaps?

Ah but that's where life failed to equip me. no experience at all. I may not even be projecting the right body language, or the right whatever it is... i don't want to devolve this into like a sort of game. There are tricks of the trade true, but that's not me. I prefer things to be true. Of course, there's one friend who quoted Paolo Coelho saying "The game of seduction is something that awakens the best in us. Don't feel guilty."

Torn between letting the thing take its natural course, courtesy of him, or taking a stand, pursuing it and i don't know up to how long, for time is limited. Really, like maybe just this week. I'm giving myself only this week to be a little more mindless in my thoughts, but next week, I'm so going back to being in control of my life. I have to.

When I started writing this, I had half a mind to confront him tonight. Tomorrow the latest. Now, i don't know what to do again. What is it again that's holding me back? I forget now. Fear probably, of something yet unnamed. Or the fact that I know that I can be ambivalent about the whole thing, not minding too much if it turns out one way or the other way - of course I do prefer for this to turn into something else, and not just devolve into a first experience and nothing else.

Me's the problem, don't you think?

And I'm no better off than when i started this piece. I thought I would gain some clarity when I come to the end of writing this. But no, the whole thing's still as muddled as ever.

Oh you... why does this have to be so complicated?