*football days once more...

I haven't seen any football action lately - not on TV nor for myself. Of course, I'd think about it every now and then. Whenever I happen to pass through the General Antonio Luna Parade Grounds aka the UP Sunken Garden, I'd look out and see if I could recognize any of the ball-toting players on the field. But I know that FC Sikad has made the QC Memorial Circle its home these past few months, so no chance of any familiar faces in the place I spent four years on as my playground. In fact, one time when I was remembering my college days, I could distinctly see myself in the Sunken Garden, not anywhere else in UP. It brought back not images of laboratory experiments or libraries but green grass, patches of soil and people in variously colored jerseys running around with a ball.

Playing 7-a-side football in the Ateneo field sometime in 2007

My college life was defined by football. I couldn't get enough of it. I'd play after class, on weekends, even if I have upcoming exams, after lab experiments doing my thesis. Now, I've had zilch for how many months. One reason for this is that my spikes have seen fit to retire after some 6 years of on and off usage. And then during the days that there are schedules for futsal training, I am unable to go because of my work schedule. 

Puddles of water everywhere, mud flying, the ball hardly moving

resting in between games - cold, muddy and all

So last week, with school finally over (I'm amazed at my German 13 grade - I could do it, couldn't I? - as opposed to my German 12 - dang those imperatives which were tackled when I absented myself from class - and my Hapon 10 and 11 grades are ^_^), I had nothing else to do but indulge in my whims if not attending to needed chores. I decided to watch a La Liga game since I couldn't play, I might as well watch one of the best teams in the world show how it is to play beautiful football. Thank goodness for 1 Terabyte hard drives and fellow football fans and friends, one of whom has long ago shared with me some of the games she's downloaded (we're both Barca fans after all).

I watched a game from the 2010-2011 season of the Spanish Premiere League (La Liga for short), an away game for FC Barcelona against Atletic de Bilbao. Messi has been injured so I unfortunately couldn't watch him. But it was still interesting for me because I would see how a team without its great #10 play. And at the onset, they didn't disappoint. All the players were full of energy once the whistle went off, Barca more so, retaining possession at a little more than 70%. Perfect passes, short passes, moving the ball around and forward, the defenders ready to support the attack and midfield, anticipating each other's moves and moving into space... I only know so much of playing the game and very little of tactics that I can't really describe the game accurately. But you know this is top class football. There was even that amazing control by Andres Iniesta close to the goal line to keep the ball in play. Deym! Football in the Philippines doesn't even come close to this level. I, with my own football dreams, have no hopes of reaching this level. So you'd just be content to watch and wish you could do the same. It was also raining hard during the first half and every ball fought hard for that I could remember my own days in Sunken. I miss playing in the rain. Everyone of us would have muddy socks and shoes, and even shirts and shorts afterwards but it's not much of a hassle as long as you enjoyed. The hassle comes later when it's time to wash your gear. Everyone's happy after a game. After the game, we'd stay after changing our clothes and even getting a bite together afterwards. And the workout after hasn't been matched by anything I've ever tried since. I really miss playing! If only injuries could be easily flicked away so that you can just play on as hard as ever and you can just play for life and not have to do anything else...

After expertly trapping the ball with his instep close to the goal line, Andres Iniesta prepares to flick the ball back to a teammate before its second bounce - wish I have videos or gifs so you'll the awesomeness better :(  

While watching, there was also the realization that football has a long way to go before being entrenched into our culture. The Atletic Bilbao and Barca fans, like most of Europe's, were all prepared to watch and for the weather. They have the stadiums that can seat tens of thousands of people and everyone besides the teams and refs were wearing raincoats and whatever else they need to keep dry and sufficiently waterproofed. Filipinos haven't seen the beauty of raincoats yet - almost nobody wears that here even during the storm season. The last game of the national team I watched was so long ago, during the home game of the first leg of our WC qualifier against Sri Lanka in July last year. I bought a raincoat for the event but the quality available here is not so good. Others sneaked in their folding umbrellas which the bouncers eventually had to tell them to close since it was obstructing the view of the other viewers. So many could do nothing but get wet. It would have been better if I just watched it at home since I didn't see how the goals were made, the game being fast-paced and occurring on the other side of the pitch, or else, the view obstructed by the players themselves. We didn't have preview screens on the pitch. I daresay there isn't one till now. Our side of the pitch was also not getting updates about the score so we were just wondering for a time.

raincoat-wearing fans

So it is in my bucket list to watch a top flight football game in Europe and feel the frenzy and the energy of the fans and the game... And also witness a World Cup match live. Woo!

Then my brother arrived from school and saw me watching football. He said he wanted to watch the third Goal movie, expecting more of the football action he saw from the first two installments. He was disappointed. The third movie dealt more with the pressures of professional football. The Mexican character of Santiago Munez was just a support here and he even got injured, making him ineligible for the 2006 World Cup. One of the other supporting cast starred in some obscure Dracula-inspired movie where he met the love of his life. And then he had to die. So we see the thread of this movie - the less glitzy side of this profession and the  mature and personal side of footballers. The main character relies on alcohol everyday and he actually fathered a child whose mother decided not to tell him about it. Then the death of his friend kind of put things into perspective for him and we have a happy ending. Pretty unemotional to say the least.

Afterwards, I decided to watch FC Venus again, to be exposed this time to the feminine view of the game. It was just an ordinary movie for me the first time I saw it. Anna's boyfriend plays in the 7th division in Finland (the lowest division, so I hear). He and his teammates, most of whom are husbands and fathers, have dedicated their lives to football, making their families only second priority. Anna recruited their WAGs (wives and girlfriends) to form their own football team and when they win a game against the guys, the guys are to hand over the money they were going to be spending to watch '06 WC in Germany. If the guys win, then they will not hear any complaint about football from the women ever again. A tall order, considering that none of the women play or know anything about the game, except for Anna. In fact, she played very competitively when she was younger, resulting in a knee injury that she never got treated for. Her father is one of the more famous coaches around the world, that at her young age, he had to leave because he was given the chance to coach Korea. So that in effect, is why Anna had this personal vendetta against football, given what she had gone through for it in the past. She didn't want football to take away the men in the women's lives just as how it separated her and her Dad. This initially led to some problems in her relationship as the guy did not know a thing about her footballing past. And then she had to reject his marriage proposal and it was like everything was over for good. Just as it seemed that things were patching up between her and her Dad, the rift flared up once more, as she still hasn't come to terms with her Dad's job taking him far away from her.

I cried so hard in this movie. I haven't cried this much since April last year, and even then, not for a film. I tried watching it again to be able to pinpoint what it was that touched me about this. I guess it was the fact that here is an independent woman who knows what she wants and yet achieving it is a lot of uphill struggle, even pain. The helplessness is pretty overwhelming and it just drags you down for a time. First, she failed with her father. The next time, she failed over the person she loves. And we women, we don't just consider ourselves. With our nurturing nature, we consider the other people in our lives with the decisions we make. Anna didn't have anybody else, but when I think about myself in those terms and what I must live up to, everything can get pretty taxing.

That was the end of my football viewing for that 24-hour cycle. But this foray has brought me back into the arms of football, so maybe a day or two after, I decided to continue reading A Life Too Short by Ronald Reng. This book is a look into the tragedy that took the life of 32-year old Hannover 96 and Germany's keeper Robert Enke.

I started reading this a few months and distractions come and go so I was only able to finish it now. In the beginning, I was amazed into the new insights I was getting about football, in terms of team dynamics and politics - the old players versus the newer ones, the younger versus the older, the lone foreigner among the native players, being in a new country and speaking a new language, and especially goalkeepers. During our trainings, we all trained as field players. If we had a semi-official goalie, she didn't have specialized training, relying only on her skills and talent to try to keep a clean sheet. Most of us don't want to be on goal when we're playing either on the field or futsal. So it was a revelation to find out what goalies think about when they're in a game, their moves and tactics. Sure, I see amazing saves every now and then on TV, but I've never imagined how much analysis, effort and practice is needed to achieve that level of play-reading, instinct, tactics and reflexes needed at the right moment to not allow or lessen any chances of the opponent to score.

I've heard about Robert Enke around August of 2010 when the Mannschaft fans over at LJ mentioned him in a post about the national team (die Mannschaft) players paying him tribute. (This team is all about team spirit and I love them so much because of it.) That he took his life even though he's on goal for the national team was a fact I casually glossed over as I went to more of the juicy pics and posts, until someone got a hold of this book and shared it. I downloaded it out of curiosity.

Robert is said to be one of the more modern players; he was among the generation of players to start playing for clubs abroad. He first played for Benfica in Portugal, and it is evident how much he loved the country as he and his wife Teresa loved to vacation there. Then he was snapped up by Barca, then under Louis van Gaal. But contrary to what he was promised, he barely appeared for the team. A young Victor Valdes was usually on goal after the first choice keeper suffered an injury. And there is a shock when he is suddenly asked to play against a lower tier team, an amateur by their standards, and they lose.

Next, he makes a move to Turkey but the depression has already hit him and all of a sudden, he turns around and is unemployed for a season until 2nd division Tenerife in Spain snaps him up. The last move he makes is to Hannover where he played for four years and was even named captain. And it is at this time that he is finally given the chance to man the goals for die Mannschaft, with the end of the Kahn-Lehmann era. But all through those years, he still remembers the good days in Lisbon and why he ever left the place.

I don't know the player  on the left and Per Mertesacker on the right, playing for die Mannschaft

When you're a talented sportsman, intrigue is never far, especially since you're in the public eye. And since goalkeepers are the last line of defense, it can get pretty difficult to not blame yourself about goals conceded. Many goalkeepers have certainly come to terms with this but maybe for some, it is just a tad bit more difficult. There is the pressure of living up to the coach's, team's and fans' expectations. But I believe all these could be dealt with.

It was written that Robert Enke is one of the people who is susceptible to the depression. So no matter what the circumstances, the black dog would just appear out of nowhere even if there's no logical explanation as to why. He suffered from it twice; once in 2003 from which he eventually recovered, and then the second time in 2009 from which he decided it was better to end his suffering by ending his life. It was in this latter part of his depression that I felt I could relate to what he went through. Reng wrote that the pitfall of depression is that it makes you feel you can't do anything, and yet when you don't, you'll feel all the more depressed because of this failure. Just like me. I even had suicidal thoughts when I was younger, in late elementary or early high school, I think. I've gone past thinking such thoughts. But in the last decade, I've felt really, depressingly down a lot of times. The latest ones have lasted for days and after that point, I still don't seem to know what to do with myself to prevent my feeling inadequate in the future, and I'm just whiling away my time, enjoying myself until the next self-bashing hits me again. The pattern lately is that after a time of feeling joy, happiness or euphoria over what has happened (e.g. good times with friends) or what is about to happen (usually some sort of travel I'm excited about), my mind automatically veers towards that dark path. I don't know if I"m telling myself that I don't deserve to experience joy, but all of a sudden, I'd lose my enthusiasm for life. And I'd just lie in bed wallowing in it, not talking to anyone. And I'd berate myself for wasting a lot of time thinking about it instead of just doing something. But I'd still go on doing it. And then somehow the darkness will lift. And II'll be alright again... until the next bout.

I've never thought of suicide since I stepped into college so that's a positive sign. I just don't know how to rally myself when I feel down.

From the book, I saw more of what depression does to a person and to the people surrounding him, especially since Enke is a goalkeeper, a team captain, a friend, a father and husband. It was helpful that he wrote some notes so we got an insight on what his thoughts and emotions were.

Ending a life is really sad. Deceiving everyone that all is well because he's finally come to terms with what he's about to do - it's not surprising that many are shocked, most of all the people who knew him as an intelligent and sensitive person, a professional in a field when others reveled in the intrigue and media glitz. He didn't like competing with his fellow goalkeepers, even becoming close to Rene Adler who was his top competitor for the first choice position in the national team. I believe I'm not as an extreme of a case as he was, but I do wish that I'd see more beautiful things in my life and avoid dragging myself down.

Last minute addition: I just read yesterday that Ronaldo has retired from football. It was a battle between his body and the game and he could no longer keep up with the demands of the sport with the hyperthyroidism thwarting his efforts to maintain his weight. I wasn't aware of him at the time he was at his peak, only hearing mentions of his name with no proof of his skills, so I couldn't really sympathise with fans of the #9 who wowed the world (and now I know where my friend got his email address ronaldo_the_phenom  - from the man himself). But it is not the best news to find out that one is retiring from the game you love because sickness has gotten the better of your body.


* It's pretty sad that I'm using this title not because I'm playing again, but because I'm experiencing football once more but only from second- and even third-hand accounts. Life is really complicated. You can't just get what you want anymore.