Lamenting singleblessedness

Somebody confirmed with me last night my sexual orientation. Needless to say, it's the 2nd time in my life I've been asked that. I guess when you meet  a number of new people and don't have a lot of time to interact with them, the sooner things get cleared up the better. Which brings to mind this one other person who I know is thinking of me in that manner. I've tried to dissuade her of that thinking some but not completely outright so I don't know when the opportunity to correct her will come up again. And I think she kind of made this distinction the first time we talked, even though or probably because we've been seeing each other around at work. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I give off this lesbian vibe. It's probably why I'm not attracting anyone at work, for the most part. I can't help it if I want to be a bit girly - dainty, sometimes a bit - how does one put it - slutty, perhaps, one day and then some days, I'd be comfortable with a no nonsense school (i.e. tee shirt)/sporty/androgynous look. I can't help it that since I was young, I've wanted to emulate talented athletes like Martina Hingis (hello, world number 1 at 16!) so I've also been engaged in sports whenever I could though I didn't have the talent and a mentor. I also realized early on the benefits of exercise so I just continued playing some form of basketball and badminton with my siblings at home. Never mind that I tend to have tomboyish tendencies (at least in attire) back then and that I move not in the usual way that young girls who are straight would. Even then, I did not question how I was, although I would sometimes lament why I'm not so concerned with my appearance as girls my age. That's why they got suitors, boyfriends and I didn't. I presumed they were the not-so-strong personality types and I was. And one shouldn't try to be or even present herself as someone she wasn't.

Fast forward to more or less 10 years later. I'm still in that same state as I was back then. Others my age would have changed wardrobes and would be wearing mature clothing, or else exercising more care with how they look. Hell, they'd be experts on putting on makeup and would have them on almost every day that they're out of the house. Even girls younger than me have started out earlier. And I'm the one backpacking my way in a new country, going to football practice once in a while, going surfing and getting browned and not caring one bit how I look. When going to beaches means a chance to show off that sexy bod or that cute bikini, I'd mostly be taking shots of the landscape or my companions and there wouldn't be too many pictures of me.

So what now? I'd like to think that I'm this modern, strong, independent 21st century woman. But a number of  times, being that is not enough. I've been having this recurring thought that it's high time I should be involved with someone emotionally, for the most part. Friends are different. These are the days when oh, melancholy just strikes you and you see people walking in the rain on their way home that late in the night as you. The difference is these people are sharing with each other about their day under one umbrella. Never mind the rain, or the lateness. They just look so right being together. With these many people in the world - hell, even in Metro Manila, you'd think it'd be fairly easy to find someone with whom you'll have some kind of connection.  Well, the universe has so far failed me in that respect.

Maybe it's a matter of not being the person who is, at least, ready to take on a new responsibility like that, on top of all other things. How can you have a boyfriend if your room is messy or you're usually disorganized? But didn't others start out while in high school? People weren't even mature enough back then. Perhaps the boys around here aren't looking deep enough at someone. They're mostly preoccupied by the physical appearance and wouldn't you know it, they'd probably be on an IQ/EQ level that's wholly incompatible with you because they're way below. Why don't Filipino guys like a challenge? If they think it's too much trouble, they wouldn't bother. So is that how things are and will be for the majority of educated Filipinas who are on the wrong side of media's bias on physical attractiveness? Perhaps one's environment is truly limiting. No matter how many people there are at work, if they all think the same way, then there's no hope. It seems one has to turn to foreign lands to be able to even pique someone's interest enough to talk to you. At least, over there one's got a fighting chance, even a sort of level playing field than here. Then when you've started interacting, that's when you'll be able to say if things might go somewhere. A lot of trouble as well, since I don't really intend to work anywhere overseas. Travel yes, but right now, financially things are not so feasible yet. Plus two years more of schooling, so that makes me inching into my 30s before I finally get to travel extensively, and that's if I  have the funds to begin with.

Okay so I'm painting myself a very bleak picture here. I did say before, and still think even now, that I'd be content if I never did find someone to marry. But to not experience the full force of love even for just once? That'd be a real pity. Unerwiderte Liebe (unrequited love) is so not nice, so much so if it took you a little more than a whole year before getting over the thing. It is nice to feel that way about someone, but it would be so much better for those feelings to be reciprocated. One deserves to be appreciated, loved and not just by yourself, but that is a good start. I'm sure other people who don't even really love themselves are loved by others. So why not us enlightened ones?

I could go on and on but well, nothing will come out of this. Another thing I need to add to list of things I need to focus on. But I don't really know what I should focus on. Is it putting myself out there, i.e. going to places I don't really frequent e.g. bars, clubs - to show the world that hey, I'm here, send your lackeys my way? Or is it interacting with foreigners virtually in the hopes that some of them would want to come over here and actually meet up? Priorities clash here. Why am I interested in so many things that I can't possibly fit in additional regular activities like those I mentioned? Ah, because that's who I am. No matter how I want to focus on one thing, I can't because I can't focus if that's the only thing I'm doing. I need to be engaged in other things at the same time. I work better if I know that so many things are required of me from the different aspects or activities of my life. So yeah, I guess the only answer I can give myself is to just be content with singlehood, like how I've been for the past 15 or so years. And when the longing arises, read some feel-good Dramione fics or other romance stories (however improbable they may be) and continue to be touched by heartrending scenes like when Ludo writes to Anna in ZweiOhrKüken (sequel to KeinOhrHasen or Rabbit Without Ears) because they broke up and he misses her so much and even though they were not even of the same stature and lookout in life when they met up again after being their childhood's bully and bullied pair, he is saddened and disappointed by everything that's happened but he still can't believe he won't be living his life without her. That letter and the accompanying montage had me shedding tears before I knew it, in front of my cousin who was also working on her laptop opposite me. Really, what beauty that was. It might be the movies but the message is still something. It's really touching to know someone feels about you that intensely because you're important in their life.

Well, as one famous Filipino song goes "Habang may buhay..." (translation: while one still lives). Hope. Perhaps all is not lost.

photo from http://indianfusion.aglasem.com/story/

I saw one of Jen Horn's self-reminders on her blog recently. They were timely because around that time, I was thinking along those same lines. This particular reminder from Gretchen Rubin reads

What you do EVERYDAY matters MORE than what you do once in a while.  

Indeed, I've been involved in a number of things throughout the years, and yet, I still haven't mastered enough of one thing. So it seems like it's time to strike some things out of the things I'll put my focus on.

I was on this train of thought when I got to thinking about this thing I have wanted to do since I was younger but for which I still have nothing to show for. Nope, those unfinished fanfics and Nanowrimo entries don't count. Blogs as well, for that matter, though I believe some of those blog entries were truly inspired.

So does this mean that surfing has to go? Surfing isn't so easy to do with me living in the city and the nearest waves to be found are about 3 to 6 hours away from here and even then, one can't do it the whole year round. Plus I'm busy with both school and work.

No surfing.

My soul would bleed. I can't fathom... a life without waves.



Photography, writing and some fitness regimen - these three are easier to do right now since they require equipment I already have. What remains now are the motivation to do them regularly and having proper self-management (a concept I picked up from my friend Vivian) to be able to fit them into my activities.

NO, I won't give up surfing. After reading this on Salt Gypsy's FB page, their daily inspiration courtesy of Chris Guillebeau,

Build your own reality. Decide for yourself what this reality looks like. No one is stopping you, and the next step is yours to take. 

of course, yes, truly, why would I ever? Why do I ever forget that nothing is truly impossible if you really really want it to happen? Though reality and emotions intrude every now and then, we have to keep our dreams alive. Perhaps I'll even be using a shortboard and conquering Hawaii's Pipeline someday.

My friend Ryan out to conquer more waves one June weekend in his backyard, photo by yours truly

today and the future

Bathroom Art at Today x Future | cropped version of this at instagram.com/bbhiraya

Found a new place to sample the merits of spirits while listening to good music, albeit with little to no conversation. This was the other weekend. I love the interiors. And I just realized now I've come to have a fetish for bathroom fixtures and whatnots in restos or bars or whereverelse. I bring my camera phone with me when I go pee. So here's a piece of (smart and unique!) bathroom art from the cleverly named Today x Future (read as Today Marks the Future), formerly located inside Cubao X but is now somewhere nearer to Tropical Hut/Mahattan Plaza.

That night, my best friend willingly got drunk again after how many years (I really was surprised that she's let go of her "no alcohol" stance). We had a beer each, then some of their tofu cigars and nachos. Yum! Then the mango + rum thing, which was more of a mild tasting mango shake with copious amounts of rum. She drank my last glass, so that when I was already sobering up, she was steadily going down into the depths of, well drunkenness hehe. Anyway, I loved the music then. Earlier, besides Foster the People songs, the DJ was playing 90s alternative stuff. Then the next guy had remixes. The 1979 remix was particularly trippy. That made my night. That may not completely be because it's one of my favorite songs of all time, and it is also not entirely unattributable to how much alcohol I've had. I really love the feeling of lightness, of just being in that moment of high. It's a Saturday night, and I have no date, no boyfriend, and I'm still young, yeah!

And wouldn't you know, I inadvertently had a bit of shock when I woke up sometime this week to find an SMS from a friend which I read as "... Koya just walked into the future." Talk about reality-bending. I'm still in the middle of reading Chapterhouse Dune. Walking into the future, that reads like a sci fi novel's first line that will take you, never let you go and suck you in completely. Only later that day did I finally read it correctly: "... Koya just walked in d2 future." Hihi. That line's MINE. My future sci fi story.

a wandering mind

How does one hatch an idea?

Sure, you could think about the topic and go through your points systematically, as if you were working with an outline. And then there are the moments when you've ceased to think, but the moment you commence thinking, your brain goes on an entirely new track you didn't consciously steer it to. In fact, there was no preamble for the current direction your thoughts are taking. Then finally, you've exhausted everything in that scenario and stop thinking about it altogether and then continue with what you were doing, say the laundry. And then after a little while, out of nowhere comes another line of reasoning, another set of possibilities completely unrelated to the ones you've thought before. And you can't help but wonder where are all these thoughts coming from.

I've gone through so many I'm just surprised at how I came up with each and everyone. But no matter how many scenarios I come up with, I still won't know unless I hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

There's this one thing I read about one's thoughts wandering. I don't remember the beginning. The second part just says something to the effect that it's where your thoughts go the moment your mind starts wondering. Hmm...

qualcosa che spero dirti

It's different when your head is up in the clouds. You see things differently - ideally is the word for it, I guess, and think that these kinds of things are possible. You get swept up in these whirls of emotion, get high on them. Images and music that appeal to you heighten the feeling. Soon, you think. Oh, how blissful life is!

But there are the days when you're trying to keep your feet on the ground, reverting to your Interrogator persona, the one who thrives on logic, to make sense of the whats and whys and hows. But you're held back since you only have one side of the situation. And you're writing entries like this. And wonder when you'll get a dose of reality.

And come crashing down again.


But still hoping that the thing you've pinned your hopes on
will not let you down.

And you're waiting and waiting... until the emotions wear off...

Or you get tired.

And hope everything comes to pass already.

looking at the same things the other way around

thoughts running through my head on the bus earlier

- how even though i've managed to avoid looking at k for the past week, he still looks at me. is it that he's wanting to incite the same thing we used to do? both times i've noticed when i came back from the 24th floor via the stairs. last sunday i was in a dress. today, well the top button of the gray coverup was open and i'm not sure if any cleavage is being shown. both times i was in heels. and it's not like he tried to avert his gaze soon after. oh no. it was I who did that. and yet earlier, he was crying out how he spent the weekend with his girlfriend in antipolo. what the eff... and so, even though i've resolved to ignore him, or whatever it was, it gets me thinking again... digging up pieces of evidence that suggest something else

- thinking about touch, and what it means. did me allowing e to hold my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, hell, letting him kiss me on the cheek equate to me wanting to do more of that? am i much too forward for having done that for the past two meetups, and both in the confines of the taxi? it's not like it's our first "date" but it did seem like our first after the long hiatus. or is it the anticipation of something else that has me warming up to the idea of touch? hearing him wet his lips - did he think maybe he wanted to take it further? what would I do next time, if ever he did try something? will i indulge him, myself? should i do more when he holds my hand - i.e. squeeze, make more contact possible?

- how will i handle being in a relationship with him? he's not the alpha male type, and i have a tendency to take control of things... will i be dominant? what happens when they have gigs? when he falls sick? i can see myself doing what my friend used to do.

- how before none of these concerns would be taking up a lot of my thinking time, but now, there's not only 1 but 2 characters in there, sometimes 3 or 4... the things that change as you grow older

pasta-centric and crazy days

An early birthday surprise from my penpal in Germany -
a photo she took in  Barcelona and a card she made herself

Life does never seem to fail one who has the right disposition. I'm talking mainly about myself and how I had imagined that this year would be a step back in the celebration of my turning a year older. I thought to start a tradition last year that my birthdays would from then on be celebrated away from where I reside, namely Quezon City. I've lived here for the past 10 years now this coming May, since I started my freshman year in university - the first six years within or near the vicinity of the university and the last four years still a bit nearby, at least two jeepney rides away from school.

Before last year, I often just ate out with friends or siblings to celebrate 3rds of March. And I don't know when turning a year older lost its novelty. Must be one of those times when I had much to do, seeing as March marks the end of the semester, and when my birthday comes, I'd be deep in requirements or exams. There was even one birthday when I had Chemistry exams, even though it was a Sunday. To break off the monotony, I went with my best friend to Tagaytay, I place I've heard so much about but have never set foot on. I had meant to top that off this year with a surf trip to Baler. This time, not only staying overnight but for two nights.

Well... studies did have to strike again. My inability to go was mainly spurred by the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, and had I actually taken the time that I took off from the supposed teambuilding the other weekend to work on the report, I wouldn't have had to cancel on my surfing plans. So everything is still my fault. So much for going surfing once every month until the end of the surf season. So I put off my surfing photos... And will soon get that digiperm I had wanted to have since last year.

I didn't really mean to celebrate early. But it was the Friday night that I was supposed to be going to Baler, and a good friend just turned a year older that week as well, the 25th of February. So why not celebrate our birthdays together, midway between the two dates? We went to a place I've wanted to try for a long time now, Bellini's in Cubao. I had a creamy seafood pesto, she had their puttanesca, and we shared a salami-topped pizza, capped off by some sweet wine. Lovely meal. We were even able to watch the owner in action - still very Italian after all these years in the Philippines.

The next evening, I schemed with another friend whom I haven't talked to for quite a while now, since we already have different work schedules. We went to another place I've never tried before - Banapple. They have huge servings for the same cost than in other pasta places. We were both so full even if we haven't finished our main courses yet, and we each still had one slice of cake to eat. I tried out their Apple Pie - sehr lecker! They used actual apple slices, and not mashed up ones that you just know would contain something else than apple. Then it was another first for me as I welcomed my birthday with alcohol. I only told my friend I was celebrating my birthday once we entered the grounds of Cubao X. There, I guess in hindsight, I could say that I should be careful about what I wish for for I just might get it. I did have this ongoing theme of what one of my friends could give me for my birthday. Well, when I thought about it later, there it was. And until now, I'm still not decided on it. I had a detached sort of objective view about it, but I've never really fully revisited it to form a definitive reaction and decision.

I decided to actually have some food for my birthday at home, which I never did before. It was all part of a good vibe (which temporarily faltered - another story for another time) I had going and I got to sustain it so I pushed through with it. After having three hours of sleep and some breakfast, I finalized my plan without telling my housemates why I was doing it. Only my siblings knew, and I had already texted my sister who is living in Manila to come by for snacks. I had planned on having pizza, pasta and nachos, not realizing that I've already had pasta for two consecutive days before this. Well, pasta has been a mainstay for birthdays - my mom cooked spaghetti with meat sauce everytime we had birthdays at home. So as the bulk of the foodstuffs, it was inevitable. I bought the ingredients after lunch. My older cousin came with me, and instead of nachos, we just bought a big bag of tortilla chips with lime flavor, and then opted for cake. Now, when the word cake came to me, I immediately thought about Conti's Mango Bravo. I was shocked by the price, but nevertheless went on with it because I had a good feeling about it, even though I last ate this many years ago.


Well, the celebrations didn't stop there. I had a date with two good friends to watch Silver Linings Playbook. I was intrigued by this movie title last January when that was what I got for charades at a party - which, when my groupmates got correctly really made me ecstatic, since I'm not really good at acting out things for people to guess about. I saw on an ad though, that the film won some awards. And it didn't look like a really serious film, nothing like the likes of Inception or the Departed (pardon the very old films - I'm no longer updated these days). So off did I watch it without any expectations. And I loved it! We were laughing at almost every turn. Of course, if that was happening to me or someone I know, it would be very frustrating indeed. How about if not only one, but your husband and two sons were suffering from some sort of mental illness as well? I can't even begin to imagine... The treatment is just lovely! We laugh at the inanity of it all, but still, we're there rooting for the characters to rise above it all. (And hullo, Bradley Cooper! I didn't know you before but glad to know you now, haha!) So I believe it's now one of my favorite films. Some of the lines that really made me laugh out loud:

  The first time they meet

B. Cooper: You look nice. 
J. Lawrence: Thank you. 
B. Cooper: Oh, I'm not flirting with you. 
J. Lawrence: Oh, I didn't think you were. 
B. Cooper: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die? [Lawrence looks shocked and sad] 
--> This after being reminded to not ask her about how her husband died. 

    Lawrence starting to teach Cooper how to dance

J. Lawrence: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
B. Cooper: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
J. Lawrence: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
B. Cooper: I don't feel anything.

Oh, another side note: Julia Stiles is way mature here - with kids and eyebags and a propensity to dismiss the little things. Whereas a few weeks ago, I just saw her on 10 Things I Hate About You at the office's Valentine presentation. Talk about the realization that you're finally old!

Oh yeah, I had pesto a few days afterward as well. Still had some leftover pasta from the big birthday cookout and the pesto sauce that I wasn't able to use then. And the aroma of pesto sauce -- it just gets to me! It's addicting, couldn't get enough of it! One of the reasons why I would so like to live in Italy.

So what was it about disposition that I was talking about? Well, a healthy sense of self and reality enables one to turn disappointments and downtimes into one of the best times or memories of one's life. Think about it.

of dark eyes and Dune nights

Missed my first class this morning, of which I'm not supposed to incur any more absences... well, there's nothing left to do but let it go. I'm good at that, letting things go. For sure, there's something that can be done about it later. So yes, I have to go to the doctor and have him/her make me a medical certificate stating that I was sick, so that, meine Lehrerin will hopefully strike today's absence as excused and thus will not add to the tally. And then I can still go on with my classes without much trouble. Seriously though, she could be more considerate. And we have a total of 12 tardiness to maximize. She's probably unaware of it. So I should tell her about it.

Spanish art from a German postcrosser, mushrooms in Finland and a cathedral in Russia

I've sent acknowledgements to the three postcrossers whose cards I received today (these are the kind of surprises I like waking up to). Right now, I've just been playing Strange Overtones over and over again. It's very beautiful. I love the original version by Brian Eno and David Byrne, but this cover by We Barbarians is still reminiscent of the original, with probably a bit more youthfulness in it. There's the soaring vocals in the original, and I don't know, I just feel the whole song, the whole situation. And then... maybe give it a listen? :)

Playing this song incites in me a pensive mood... I've actually decided to let certain imaginings go. I've been having eye contact with this guy at work for a while now. It all started when he found out I was reading Dune, which turned out to be also his favorite book. He was surprised and somewhat overwhelmed or like he said, excited at that time. He couldn't stop talking about it, even telling me that he had a tattoo of a line from the book and tried to show it to me (I failed to understand it though), and told me that it's worth reading to the end since the Kwisatz Haderach will finally be revealed. I had just started rereading the first book to refresh myself on the minute details, since I was due to start on the fourth book of the hexalogy. But as much as I love reading, I'm not as articulate on what I like about them. I like stories and storytelling. Even in films, I don't care much about the deeper developments in the characters, the twists in the plot, as long as it's well-written, it's got a good flow going and it's not the usual, I'm almost often into them. Same goes with films. So I couldn't comment enough while he was talking.

It's not like we became fast friends after that. I'm not the type that strangers easily approach and talk to, if they were not the talkative kind. So we didn't talk again after that. Well, there weren't any chances to. There was a time shortly after though, I was standing up and I looked up from my screen and saw him looking at me, so I promptly averted my gaze. For some reason, he was in the bay beside us. I'm not sure if that was the only time though. And then suddenly, all I know is that, when he passes through the aisles, I find myself looking up. Initially, maybe he hadn't intended to look. And maybe I'm just drawn to him that I had to see him while he passed by. But I no longer remember a time when I would look up and he wasn't looking straight at me. I always look away first, but not before lingering a bit in each other's gazes. When I'm the one passing through the aisles, I'm usually self-conscious so I try not to look. But the few times that I did, well it's like a habit you can't stop doing. There are times when I know he's passing by, but I consciously don't look to avoid any more incidents like that. But out of the corner of my eye (is my peri vision really that reliable?), I know he's looking at me, like what happened one Sunday.

And so I'm a bit torn as to what to do. I've decided recently however, that I'm gonna stop this. That a guy who's got some sort of interest in anyone would take the reins and do something about it, and not just forever make eye contact with that person, all the while not doing anything about it. Self-esteem issues came up as well. But yeah, I'm not willing to risk anything like what I did the last time. So I was gonna let it go.

At least before yesterday. Haha. Gosh, don't I fixate on things.

I believe it happened twice yesterday. I don't remember what brought about the second one, but I'm sure that's the more intense one of the two. Before that, I was walking along the aisle, coming from the CR I think, and he was also passing that way. Well, he backed up. So I thought, yeah, everything's done with. Then later on, because I was facing the aisle and was sitting near the end, I looked up at a movement and it was him. And I saw that he stopped for a few moments at what he was about to do. And maybe because I was closer to him this time - two steps and I'm right in his face, maybe that's why it affected me more than all those other times.

Now, I'm once again trying to find my way in the dark, after having given up on this endeavor, to see more of those dark eyes, that I know desire to express a lot more than all the things I've heard or seen.

---

For an quick interesting look on Dune, you may want to check out Julia Yu's Goodnight Dune, inspired by a parody on Collegehumor.com's '5 Children's Scifi books' while maintaining the original feel of Margaret Wise Brown's Goodnight Moon.

senti-men(ts)

Cusack's boombox scene in Say Anything kind
of captures the traditional senti Sunday mood

I just got home, and now I'm eating spaghetti and meat sauce. JAM is off the air for a few more hours, so rather than subjecting my ears to noisy pop ditties, I succumbed to listening to songs of yesteryears. Senti Sunday it is.

When I was a kid, Sundays meant the songs of my parents' younger years blasting from the speakers, courtesy of Star FM's Never on Sunday program. Staples were Tennessee Waltz, Sad Movies and that song that goes 'How much is that doggie in the window?' Twenty-something years later, I'm no longer surprised that songs played in programs like MYX Backtrax were by the BSB or Spice Girls. I'm not sure when Till They Take My Heart Away became popular but that song, and others like Take My Breath Away and Crazy for You define this wee-hours-of-the-morning's playlist. Nothing like being by your lonesome accompanied bye these kinds of songs permeating the airwaves, huh?

Incidentally, earlier tonight I found this poem by Alma S. Anonas. I was reading the 2002 Likhaan Book of Poetry and Fiction in between taking calls and somehow found myself going through the poetry section and reading them out loud, something I'm not usually won't to do. It's called Reply and (in the tradition of making song dedications over the radio) this goes out to you who will in the future ignite such curiosity as well.

Reply | Alma S. Anonas

You asked me
Why I kissed you
That scotched
Saturday evening.

Because I was curious.
Because I had drunk three-fourths
Of a bottle of scotch.
Because you asked me with your eyes.

Had I been sober,
Had I been sane,
Your lips
Would never have touched mine.

I kept my eyes closed
To your exquisitely ugly face.
I hadn't gone that far
Into the black yet.
Nothing personal.

I just wanted a period
To answer the question mark
Of what you tasted like.

Now I know.

Earlier last night as well when one of my officemates was talking to me, I somehow came to realize that I'd definitely go for a guy who reads, and not just magazines or the current thriller or fantasy novels. I'd go for someone who reads literature. He'd be extremely sexy in my mind; he'd share to me what lit is about as I have close to nada in understanding the classics, even if I sometimes read them. His thoughts will be of a depth and extent unlike any I have ever encountered. He will explain to me the different themes of different canon in between cuddling or whatnot. He'd quote lines and ignite my imagination while sharing to me his literary world. And it would help if he's got a hot bod and is not a wimp. Oh I am so drooling right now!

Yum!

troubled

There are times when you're bogged down - by your thoughts, the loftier/more enlightened thoughts of those in your social network, your expectations of yourself - and everything else goes awry. No matter how you think you can stop that line of thinking and just go on like you normally do, you can't help but succumb to it.   Doing other things still couldn't stop you from feeling how much of a failure you are right now, why you're not like all the others. A sign of clinical depression? :(