three cities, eight people

N who set our itinerary and made sure we covered them, providing the background to some of the things we were seeing and visiting, taking pictures of me so that I won't repeat my experience from last May, sharing his own story and that of his culture, being kind enough so that I wouldn't have to spend extra unnecessarily, thus, letting me experience what I wouldn't otherwise have had if our paths hadn't crossed

R & J for welcoming me and making sure I was comfortable, not hungry and able to go around, allowing me to stay in their place, sharing their own stories of living and working in a different city with a very different culture. My stay would be different otherwise. I see the advantages of staying with one's fellowmen in a foreign country. I'm also inspired to try and live on my own far away from what I've been used to growing up. Someday. 

G and your stories. You've opened up from the onset, probably because you had no preconceptions about me. A no holds barred, frank conversation and your perceptive insight plus your willingness to take me around - I'm actually amazed at the person you are. Too bad that your final plan didn't push through, but I look forward to seeing you again when you come back. I do hope things turn out for the better for you. 

A, so glad to be able to talk to a fellow Filipina during the more than 11-hour trip. Offering a lot of information about the places and conditions you've been working in for the past eight years with no pretensions, I do hope you pursue traveling just for the sake of it. I know I will. 

O, experiencing Saigon through your and your friends' experiences is something, especially since it's nearing Christmas. Totally helpful and also not averse to sharing your own stories, I'm so glad you still accepted me to stay with you even though you'd be more comfortable without me in the picture. Hehe. Many thanks. You're the epitome of a very good CS host. Thank you, once more. 

M & G, if R instilled in me the desire to live overseas and work, you guys have inspired me to actually take longer trips to fully explore a certain place or country. I loved your stories and I hope you both will be able to come visit the Philippines. Best wishes and good luck with the rest of your travels. 

Though I only stayed two days in each place, getting to know all these people made me feel like I've accomplished so much more than those four days spent in a single foreign city back in May. I am thankful for the people who welcome travelers all over the world and pay things forward. In time, I shall be able to do the same too. 

Cheers to traveling and living!

image from http://www.tourismontheedge.com/places/asia/how-to-pack-smart-for-a-backpacking-adventure-through-asia.html

movie notes on a Saturday

It’s 5:42 AM and well, my eyes are just inching a bit into Sleeplandia but not yet totally there. The black Kopiko has done its job once again.

+++

1:02 PM

After hashing out some stuff on the computer for my resume, my battery went kaputt, so it was time to leave the library. It was already past 8 then. When I came to the Vinzons jeepney stop, there was a long line there. Seems like there was traffic somewhere. After some 30 minutes or so of standing up, and with people leaving the line to get to their destinations faster, I finally boarded the 2^nd jeep. I’ve been thinking about ordering Pasta Puttanesca for takeout. And then I remembered Ender’s Game because I’ve been wondering about it in the library. And true enough, it was showing in Trinoma. Next show was at 9:55 pm, about 20 minutes away, so there’s nothing to be done about the grocery I was supposed to do. Bought a chicken burrito from Mexicali and wintermelon milk tea from Gongcha instead. And there. Settled inside the cinema. Weird that cinema 7 is not directly connected to the other cinemas. So that’s the place where not so popular movies are shown I guess. Still, there was a sizable crowd.

+++

11.18 pm

So it starts. I believe the opening was really nice, giving an overview of the current situation in Ender's time. Short but informative. 'Course things are changed a bit. Most noticeable thing is the boys are older. In the book, Ender was just 5 turning 6. Really just a child. Here he was shooting into puberty. When he shouts, you can hear the crack in his voice, he hasn’t matured yet, but is almost there.  And they are tall boys. Bean is already part of his launch group. Dap is no ordinary student but a full-fledged sergeant at the IF. Anderson is a black woman, with the conscience. I believed it was the other way around.  Abigail Breslin as Valentine -  wow, she’s really grown up. And his brother Peter is a looker. I didn’t really get a sense of how sadistic Peter was. Because in the book, that characterization was repeated, over and over. And Valentine and Peter's side story  – Demosthenes and Locke – wasn’t used anymore. So was Ender’s journey with Valentine to find a home for the queen of the buggers. I also expected Petra to be more eccentric, but here she was just goody two shoes, normal looking. And they’re exploring a romantic angle between her and Ender, not with her and Dink. 

The isolation thing was not too nicely done. Again, my basis was the book, so with what I've seen, it seemed the movie was not giving enough reason to justify the way the story’s been going. I’d have liked to see more of the Battle Room scenes in the book explored in the movie. But well, that’s the limitation of a movie adaptation. I’m not sure if Ender's brilliance was justified (like how he made sense of things), nor his frustration, nor his internal and external struggles, nor the changes in how his schoolmates and the officers saw him. The Battle Room was very nice though. And Bozo Madrid was really hateful there. A real Spanish looking warfreak smaller than Ender who just wants to get his own way.  My friend Nicole did say Asa Butterfield doesn’t have much talent to speak of. It showed. He didn’t have to act a lot. It seemed the movie was more predominated by the special effects, since of course, it was set in a more technologically advanced future.  It was just amazing though having to see the battle scenes made into something visual - like when he had to reorient himself during the final battle by saying that the enemy’s gate was down. Yeah, that was something else. And to be able to zoom in from where you are at the other side of the galaxy and zoom in right to the surface of the planet they were attacking - coolness!Well, I should watch it again once I’ve sufficiently distanced myself  from the book. Just so I could appreciate it better. 

I actually read or maybe heard somewhere that it combines stuff from Ender’s Game and Ender’s Shadow. Well, so far, all it was was the whole Ender’s Game, from beginning to end. If it was longer, it would’ve been fine. Shoot, I really wanted it to end up really really nice. Since Orson Scott Card was the producer or was he part of the screenplay (?), somehow I thought it would be okay. When I watched the trailer over a month ago, I had goosebumps. Something I love being turned into a movie. Oh, I really thought it would be epic. I have to find that aspect of it. 

Oh well, I should give it some time.

And just before launching into my impression of Ender’s Game, I watched The Internship. It seems like it was officially sanctioned by Google, because hell yeah, their setting is the actual campus in CA. Complete with the free food, slide, sleep pod, dance classes and electric cars. And two old timers, Vince Vaughn and Luke Wilson are trying to make it , to get a job even though their tech knowledge is nowhere near basic. Is that how they really get interns and eventual employees? It was really fun and challenging. I like Lyle. And the Indian girl is so beautiful. But the two main characters are really the cohesive glue of the team. I love their people skills and the veritable Geeklandia as well - they play quidditch, with brooms!  

a love letter

I was looking for an anecdote on Philippine personalities I could share in my class yesterday and finally came upon Alexis Tioseco. The pull of the person that he was was so strong that even though I wasn't prepared enough to share it in my own German translation (yes, it's for a German Lit class), I pushed through with it. Also because the only alternative I have is about the Ver-Ramos rivalry and how Imelda Marcos had the last say. Suffice to say, I didn't do his story justice - next time, surely. But I digress.

I've decided to go with Quark Henares' accounts since he apparently knew Alexis while the latter was still an unknown, working in PDI's 2bU! section. And because I remember reading this interview of Quark where he said that he's living every day so as to fulfill Alexis' wish in his "Wishful Thinking for Philippine Cinema."

Well, backtracking a bit, I came upon this letter of Alexis to Nika here while looking for other sources. And I recognized once again the import of what society has done to a man like Alexis Tioseco. His and Nika's murders are truly a big shame. Someone with this much love, not just for his partner but for society through film - his convictions, his efforts, his vision - we should not deny him his life and us, of his.

I am reposting the letter here because it is truly beautiful. If I only I could write like this...

My dear Nika,

If there has been a single cause of strain that has stuck out in our relationship it is this: the idea of my attachment to the Philippines, the strong desire you see that I have to live and work here, and the way that, perhaps, you see this as a matter of misappropriate priorities. Does a place mean more than a person? Does my work in the Philippines mean more than the possibility of a life with you, somewhere, anywhere else? Must it be you that moves, makes the (I know you hate the word, but let us use it) sacrifice of moving? And what, if anything, does that say about us—that the scales of our love weigh more heavily on your chalice?

I know you’ve come to terms with the idea of moving here, hopefully next year, we discuss—but I still feel the need to talk a bit more about some of my reasons for wanting to stay, at the very least for the meantime. I’m not attempting to compare my affection for Manila with yours for Slovenia, but only to explain the thoughts that go through my head, the things I feel I must do, things that, perhaps, we can do together.

Yours,

Alexis 


Insightful, articulate, a soulful rhythm - I can feel the challenges that have been imposed upon the couple, the consideration, the kindness and love. If I were to receive a letter like this - oh! I live for stuff like this. Living and loving. If only.

"The first impulse is always one of love." - Alexis, in another love letter to Nika and Philippine cinema

naiveté, idealism or optimism?

Romanticizing - they just make the event, thing or person more memorable, more pleasing to reminisce. So you have a view of things based on what you see, her and how you interpret them, only to find out later that you had it all wrong. What you thought was mutual respect and a harmonious working relationship was the furthest from reality you could get.

And so you live your life based on an assumption of reality and so your existence is some kind of hoax then, right?

Romanticizing things can only get you so far, but you'll never really know. What you have are just stylized, idyllic notions. Best for what it really is to come from the horse's mouth.

But then again, nothing is straightforward. We all cower behind the secret glances with hidden meanings, words left unsaid. So many thoughts... but without the right timing to voice, or even at the very least, express them.

So you let yourself be caught up in this game, this web, with no known beginning, and most times, without a foreseeable end (except the one your imagination concocts). And you participate, and you hope, and you get disappointed, and you share your woes, ask for insight, feel better, and get entangled again, and expect and so on. And you wonder, when will this end, is it a relatively happy ending that is in store for you? Or is it just better to not have entertained any of these thoughts and saved up all that time and energy expended on that line of thinking? You may be clueless, but perhaps, you may be happy...

At least during the small snippets of time when everything's fine and dandy. But you know things aren't always that way. That won't hold for very long.

so much #feels

“You wish they loved you but when they don’t life goes on..."

I like this quote from Dan Brown. And I wish things were easy, just like how easy it was to say those words and write them down and once you've put the period at the end, all the things - the feelings, memories, hopes are done with, gone. 

I was especially feeling lonely last night. That's one of the things I hate feeling like. Besides feeling like I have no permanent hold in the office - dahil wala akong team and even though I am friends with some of the members of the team I sit with, I am reluctant to actually be all out and friendly with them; thus, at times I feel like I'm an intruder into the group because I sit with them and all; but being used to where I've been sitting, I am reluctant to move as well, for where else would I sit? - there's the consuming feeling that here, right now is when you crave the companionship of someone who will not only offer you friendship but also love. 

And you tire of hoping, and putting up your best face, because it seems like there's nothing for it. But you also know that in a kind of superficial world where others operate in, appearances matter. But you just don't want to care at times, because you're not that kind of person. And feelings... What's up with them? They're so unpredictable, oscillating between highs, lows, mids - you've already realized that yeah, there's nothing to it, but oh, how fragile feelings are! Next thing you know, you're looking forward to, craving for, pining for someone's attention, acknowledgement, conversation and you have to get to the point again where you no longer need that, a state of a more manageable status quo that won't leave you sad, lonely when you need yourself to be strong, determined, and at the peak of your abilities to be able to take on the other endeavors you have planned on. But no, you're reduced to a weeping, robot-like creature, who can't help but waste away - putting up a cheerful face for others because you can't show them how things have been affecting you.... well, why the hell should you do that? Because explanations are complicated... because in the corporate world, things are always measured - profits, working hours, and even root causes of worker mistakes are analyzed for what compels this worker to do such thing. Then you have to come up with action plans to, at least, compel the worker to do what's in the rules, measurable goals that you can go over in the next coaching session, the next time the worker bungles up again. But in my case, they're usually just feelings, inward manipulations, of the mind, the self, the identity. 

And from the interwebs, I find that apparently, Paulo Coelho hat Recht (he got things right!). And I quote: 

Love is only a word, until someone arrives to give it meaning.

Writing is easy: just stare at the screen of your computer until a tear drops on your keyboard. 

If only good vibes can be held on to for the rest of your waking hours, the rest of your days. That way, you don't need words to perk you up, only for the lack of them to bring you crashing down, and done, and one more time, and so on, until well, the end of it all. If only you can be sure of yourself all the time, so as to fling away all those doubts eating you up, slowing you down, grinding you to a stop. Intention. Ambition. Action. I should be focusing on these. And not limiting myself, allowing myself to slack. 

Gar... these thoughts will go on - but I don't have the luxury of time. So I will end this here. Sorry for the drama. I just hope more words from Paulo Coelho will bring me up to speed for the rest of this day and the week. One last thought from this great weaver of words: 

There is always a gap between intention and action... 

You know what they are? I bet you do.

photo credit: weheartit.com

Lamenting singleblessedness

Somebody confirmed with me last night my sexual orientation. Needless to say, it's the 2nd time in my life I've been asked that. I guess when you meet  a number of new people and don't have a lot of time to interact with them, the sooner things get cleared up the better. Which brings to mind this one other person who I know is thinking of me in that manner. I've tried to dissuade her of that thinking some but not completely outright so I don't know when the opportunity to correct her will come up again. And I think she kind of made this distinction the first time we talked, even though or probably because we've been seeing each other around at work. Makes me wonder if there's something wrong with me that I give off this lesbian vibe. It's probably why I'm not attracting anyone at work, for the most part. I can't help it if I want to be a bit girly - dainty, sometimes a bit - how does one put it - slutty, perhaps, one day and then some days, I'd be comfortable with a no nonsense school (i.e. tee shirt)/sporty/androgynous look. I can't help it that since I was young, I've wanted to emulate talented athletes like Martina Hingis (hello, world number 1 at 16!) so I've also been engaged in sports whenever I could though I didn't have the talent and a mentor. I also realized early on the benefits of exercise so I just continued playing some form of basketball and badminton with my siblings at home. Never mind that I tend to have tomboyish tendencies (at least in attire) back then and that I move not in the usual way that young girls who are straight would. Even then, I did not question how I was, although I would sometimes lament why I'm not so concerned with my appearance as girls my age. That's why they got suitors, boyfriends and I didn't. I presumed they were the not-so-strong personality types and I was. And one shouldn't try to be or even present herself as someone she wasn't.

Fast forward to more or less 10 years later. I'm still in that same state as I was back then. Others my age would have changed wardrobes and would be wearing mature clothing, or else exercising more care with how they look. Hell, they'd be experts on putting on makeup and would have them on almost every day that they're out of the house. Even girls younger than me have started out earlier. And I'm the one backpacking my way in a new country, going to football practice once in a while, going surfing and getting browned and not caring one bit how I look. When going to beaches means a chance to show off that sexy bod or that cute bikini, I'd mostly be taking shots of the landscape or my companions and there wouldn't be too many pictures of me.

So what now? I'd like to think that I'm this modern, strong, independent 21st century woman. But a number of  times, being that is not enough. I've been having this recurring thought that it's high time I should be involved with someone emotionally, for the most part. Friends are different. These are the days when oh, melancholy just strikes you and you see people walking in the rain on their way home that late in the night as you. The difference is these people are sharing with each other about their day under one umbrella. Never mind the rain, or the lateness. They just look so right being together. With these many people in the world - hell, even in Metro Manila, you'd think it'd be fairly easy to find someone with whom you'll have some kind of connection.  Well, the universe has so far failed me in that respect.

Maybe it's a matter of not being the person who is, at least, ready to take on a new responsibility like that, on top of all other things. How can you have a boyfriend if your room is messy or you're usually disorganized? But didn't others start out while in high school? People weren't even mature enough back then. Perhaps the boys around here aren't looking deep enough at someone. They're mostly preoccupied by the physical appearance and wouldn't you know it, they'd probably be on an IQ/EQ level that's wholly incompatible with you because they're way below. Why don't Filipino guys like a challenge? If they think it's too much trouble, they wouldn't bother. So is that how things are and will be for the majority of educated Filipinas who are on the wrong side of media's bias on physical attractiveness? Perhaps one's environment is truly limiting. No matter how many people there are at work, if they all think the same way, then there's no hope. It seems one has to turn to foreign lands to be able to even pique someone's interest enough to talk to you. At least, over there one's got a fighting chance, even a sort of level playing field than here. Then when you've started interacting, that's when you'll be able to say if things might go somewhere. A lot of trouble as well, since I don't really intend to work anywhere overseas. Travel yes, but right now, financially things are not so feasible yet. Plus two years more of schooling, so that makes me inching into my 30s before I finally get to travel extensively, and that's if I  have the funds to begin with.

Okay so I'm painting myself a very bleak picture here. I did say before, and still think even now, that I'd be content if I never did find someone to marry. But to not experience the full force of love even for just once? That'd be a real pity. Unerwiderte Liebe (unrequited love) is so not nice, so much so if it took you a little more than a whole year before getting over the thing. It is nice to feel that way about someone, but it would be so much better for those feelings to be reciprocated. One deserves to be appreciated, loved and not just by yourself, but that is a good start. I'm sure other people who don't even really love themselves are loved by others. So why not us enlightened ones?

I could go on and on but well, nothing will come out of this. Another thing I need to add to list of things I need to focus on. But I don't really know what I should focus on. Is it putting myself out there, i.e. going to places I don't really frequent e.g. bars, clubs - to show the world that hey, I'm here, send your lackeys my way? Or is it interacting with foreigners virtually in the hopes that some of them would want to come over here and actually meet up? Priorities clash here. Why am I interested in so many things that I can't possibly fit in additional regular activities like those I mentioned? Ah, because that's who I am. No matter how I want to focus on one thing, I can't because I can't focus if that's the only thing I'm doing. I need to be engaged in other things at the same time. I work better if I know that so many things are required of me from the different aspects or activities of my life. So yeah, I guess the only answer I can give myself is to just be content with singlehood, like how I've been for the past 15 or so years. And when the longing arises, read some feel-good Dramione fics or other romance stories (however improbable they may be) and continue to be touched by heartrending scenes like when Ludo writes to Anna in ZweiOhrKüken (sequel to KeinOhrHasen or Rabbit Without Ears) because they broke up and he misses her so much and even though they were not even of the same stature and lookout in life when they met up again after being their childhood's bully and bullied pair, he is saddened and disappointed by everything that's happened but he still can't believe he won't be living his life without her. That letter and the accompanying montage had me shedding tears before I knew it, in front of my cousin who was also working on her laptop opposite me. Really, what beauty that was. It might be the movies but the message is still something. It's really touching to know someone feels about you that intensely because you're important in their life.

Well, as one famous Filipino song goes "Habang may buhay..." (translation: while one still lives). Hope. Perhaps all is not lost.

photo from http://indianfusion.aglasem.com/story/

I saw one of Jen Horn's self-reminders on her blog recently. They were timely because around that time, I was thinking along those same lines. This particular reminder from Gretchen Rubin reads

What you do EVERYDAY matters MORE than what you do once in a while.  

Indeed, I've been involved in a number of things throughout the years, and yet, I still haven't mastered enough of one thing. So it seems like it's time to strike some things out of the things I'll put my focus on.

I was on this train of thought when I got to thinking about this thing I have wanted to do since I was younger but for which I still have nothing to show for. Nope, those unfinished fanfics and Nanowrimo entries don't count. Blogs as well, for that matter, though I believe some of those blog entries were truly inspired.

So does this mean that surfing has to go? Surfing isn't so easy to do with me living in the city and the nearest waves to be found are about 3 to 6 hours away from here and even then, one can't do it the whole year round. Plus I'm busy with both school and work.

No surfing.

My soul would bleed. I can't fathom... a life without waves.



Photography, writing and some fitness regimen - these three are easier to do right now since they require equipment I already have. What remains now are the motivation to do them regularly and having proper self-management (a concept I picked up from my friend Vivian) to be able to fit them into my activities.

NO, I won't give up surfing. After reading this on Salt Gypsy's FB page, their daily inspiration courtesy of Chris Guillebeau,

Build your own reality. Decide for yourself what this reality looks like. No one is stopping you, and the next step is yours to take. 

of course, yes, truly, why would I ever? Why do I ever forget that nothing is truly impossible if you really really want it to happen? Though reality and emotions intrude every now and then, we have to keep our dreams alive. Perhaps I'll even be using a shortboard and conquering Hawaii's Pipeline someday.

My friend Ryan out to conquer more waves one June weekend in his backyard, photo by yours truly

today and the future

Bathroom Art at Today x Future | cropped version of this at instagram.com/bbhiraya

Found a new place to sample the merits of spirits while listening to good music, albeit with little to no conversation. This was the other weekend. I love the interiors. And I just realized now I've come to have a fetish for bathroom fixtures and whatnots in restos or bars or whereverelse. I bring my camera phone with me when I go pee. So here's a piece of (smart and unique!) bathroom art from the cleverly named Today x Future (read as Today Marks the Future), formerly located inside Cubao X but is now somewhere nearer to Tropical Hut/Mahattan Plaza.

That night, my best friend willingly got drunk again after how many years (I really was surprised that she's let go of her "no alcohol" stance). We had a beer each, then some of their tofu cigars and nachos. Yum! Then the mango + rum thing, which was more of a mild tasting mango shake with copious amounts of rum. She drank my last glass, so that when I was already sobering up, she was steadily going down into the depths of, well drunkenness hehe. Anyway, I loved the music then. Earlier, besides Foster the People songs, the DJ was playing 90s alternative stuff. Then the next guy had remixes. The 1979 remix was particularly trippy. That made my night. That may not completely be because it's one of my favorite songs of all time, and it is also not entirely unattributable to how much alcohol I've had. I really love the feeling of lightness, of just being in that moment of high. It's a Saturday night, and I have no date, no boyfriend, and I'm still young, yeah!

And wouldn't you know, I inadvertently had a bit of shock when I woke up sometime this week to find an SMS from a friend which I read as "... Koya just walked into the future." Talk about reality-bending. I'm still in the middle of reading Chapterhouse Dune. Walking into the future, that reads like a sci fi novel's first line that will take you, never let you go and suck you in completely. Only later that day did I finally read it correctly: "... Koya just walked in d2 future." Hihi. That line's MINE. My future sci fi story.

a wandering mind

How does one hatch an idea?

Sure, you could think about the topic and go through your points systematically, as if you were working with an outline. And then there are the moments when you've ceased to think, but the moment you commence thinking, your brain goes on an entirely new track you didn't consciously steer it to. In fact, there was no preamble for the current direction your thoughts are taking. Then finally, you've exhausted everything in that scenario and stop thinking about it altogether and then continue with what you were doing, say the laundry. And then after a little while, out of nowhere comes another line of reasoning, another set of possibilities completely unrelated to the ones you've thought before. And you can't help but wonder where are all these thoughts coming from.

I've gone through so many I'm just surprised at how I came up with each and everyone. But no matter how many scenarios I come up with, I still won't know unless I hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

There's this one thing I read about one's thoughts wandering. I don't remember the beginning. The second part just says something to the effect that it's where your thoughts go the moment your mind starts wondering. Hmm...

qualcosa che spero dirti

It's different when your head is up in the clouds. You see things differently - ideally is the word for it, I guess, and think that these kinds of things are possible. You get swept up in these whirls of emotion, get high on them. Images and music that appeal to you heighten the feeling. Soon, you think. Oh, how blissful life is!

But there are the days when you're trying to keep your feet on the ground, reverting to your Interrogator persona, the one who thrives on logic, to make sense of the whats and whys and hows. But you're held back since you only have one side of the situation. And you're writing entries like this. And wonder when you'll get a dose of reality.

And come crashing down again.


But still hoping that the thing you've pinned your hopes on
will not let you down.

And you're waiting and waiting... until the emotions wear off...

Or you get tired.

And hope everything comes to pass already.

looking at the same things the other way around

thoughts running through my head on the bus earlier

- how even though i've managed to avoid looking at k for the past week, he still looks at me. is it that he's wanting to incite the same thing we used to do? both times i've noticed when i came back from the 24th floor via the stairs. last sunday i was in a dress. today, well the top button of the gray coverup was open and i'm not sure if any cleavage is being shown. both times i was in heels. and it's not like he tried to avert his gaze soon after. oh no. it was I who did that. and yet earlier, he was crying out how he spent the weekend with his girlfriend in antipolo. what the eff... and so, even though i've resolved to ignore him, or whatever it was, it gets me thinking again... digging up pieces of evidence that suggest something else

- thinking about touch, and what it means. did me allowing e to hold my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, hell, letting him kiss me on the cheek equate to me wanting to do more of that? am i much too forward for having done that for the past two meetups, and both in the confines of the taxi? it's not like it's our first "date" but it did seem like our first after the long hiatus. or is it the anticipation of something else that has me warming up to the idea of touch? hearing him wet his lips - did he think maybe he wanted to take it further? what would I do next time, if ever he did try something? will i indulge him, myself? should i do more when he holds my hand - i.e. squeeze, make more contact possible?

- how will i handle being in a relationship with him? he's not the alpha male type, and i have a tendency to take control of things... will i be dominant? what happens when they have gigs? when he falls sick? i can see myself doing what my friend used to do.

- how before none of these concerns would be taking up a lot of my thinking time, but now, there's not only 1 but 2 characters in there, sometimes 3 or 4... the things that change as you grow older

pasta-centric and crazy days

An early birthday surprise from my penpal in Germany -
a photo she took in  Barcelona and a card she made herself

Life does never seem to fail one who has the right disposition. I'm talking mainly about myself and how I had imagined that this year would be a step back in the celebration of my turning a year older. I thought to start a tradition last year that my birthdays would from then on be celebrated away from where I reside, namely Quezon City. I've lived here for the past 10 years now this coming May, since I started my freshman year in university - the first six years within or near the vicinity of the university and the last four years still a bit nearby, at least two jeepney rides away from school.

Before last year, I often just ate out with friends or siblings to celebrate 3rds of March. And I don't know when turning a year older lost its novelty. Must be one of those times when I had much to do, seeing as March marks the end of the semester, and when my birthday comes, I'd be deep in requirements or exams. There was even one birthday when I had Chemistry exams, even though it was a Sunday. To break off the monotony, I went with my best friend to Tagaytay, I place I've heard so much about but have never set foot on. I had meant to top that off this year with a surf trip to Baler. This time, not only staying overnight but for two nights.

Well... studies did have to strike again. My inability to go was mainly spurred by the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, and had I actually taken the time that I took off from the supposed teambuilding the other weekend to work on the report, I wouldn't have had to cancel on my surfing plans. So everything is still my fault. So much for going surfing once every month until the end of the surf season. So I put off my surfing photos... And will soon get that digiperm I had wanted to have since last year.

I didn't really mean to celebrate early. But it was the Friday night that I was supposed to be going to Baler, and a good friend just turned a year older that week as well, the 25th of February. So why not celebrate our birthdays together, midway between the two dates? We went to a place I've wanted to try for a long time now, Bellini's in Cubao. I had a creamy seafood pesto, she had their puttanesca, and we shared a salami-topped pizza, capped off by some sweet wine. Lovely meal. We were even able to watch the owner in action - still very Italian after all these years in the Philippines.

The next evening, I schemed with another friend whom I haven't talked to for quite a while now, since we already have different work schedules. We went to another place I've never tried before - Banapple. They have huge servings for the same cost than in other pasta places. We were both so full even if we haven't finished our main courses yet, and we each still had one slice of cake to eat. I tried out their Apple Pie - sehr lecker! They used actual apple slices, and not mashed up ones that you just know would contain something else than apple. Then it was another first for me as I welcomed my birthday with alcohol. I only told my friend I was celebrating my birthday once we entered the grounds of Cubao X. There, I guess in hindsight, I could say that I should be careful about what I wish for for I just might get it. I did have this ongoing theme of what one of my friends could give me for my birthday. Well, when I thought about it later, there it was. And until now, I'm still not decided on it. I had a detached sort of objective view about it, but I've never really fully revisited it to form a definitive reaction and decision.

I decided to actually have some food for my birthday at home, which I never did before. It was all part of a good vibe (which temporarily faltered - another story for another time) I had going and I got to sustain it so I pushed through with it. After having three hours of sleep and some breakfast, I finalized my plan without telling my housemates why I was doing it. Only my siblings knew, and I had already texted my sister who is living in Manila to come by for snacks. I had planned on having pizza, pasta and nachos, not realizing that I've already had pasta for two consecutive days before this. Well, pasta has been a mainstay for birthdays - my mom cooked spaghetti with meat sauce everytime we had birthdays at home. So as the bulk of the foodstuffs, it was inevitable. I bought the ingredients after lunch. My older cousin came with me, and instead of nachos, we just bought a big bag of tortilla chips with lime flavor, and then opted for cake. Now, when the word cake came to me, I immediately thought about Conti's Mango Bravo. I was shocked by the price, but nevertheless went on with it because I had a good feeling about it, even though I last ate this many years ago.


Well, the celebrations didn't stop there. I had a date with two good friends to watch Silver Linings Playbook. I was intrigued by this movie title last January when that was what I got for charades at a party - which, when my groupmates got correctly really made me ecstatic, since I'm not really good at acting out things for people to guess about. I saw on an ad though, that the film won some awards. And it didn't look like a really serious film, nothing like the likes of Inception or the Departed (pardon the very old films - I'm no longer updated these days). So off did I watch it without any expectations. And I loved it! We were laughing at almost every turn. Of course, if that was happening to me or someone I know, it would be very frustrating indeed. How about if not only one, but your husband and two sons were suffering from some sort of mental illness as well? I can't even begin to imagine... The treatment is just lovely! We laugh at the inanity of it all, but still, we're there rooting for the characters to rise above it all. (And hullo, Bradley Cooper! I didn't know you before but glad to know you now, haha!) So I believe it's now one of my favorite films. Some of the lines that really made me laugh out loud:

  The first time they meet

B. Cooper: You look nice. 
J. Lawrence: Thank you. 
B. Cooper: Oh, I'm not flirting with you. 
J. Lawrence: Oh, I didn't think you were. 
B. Cooper: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die? [Lawrence looks shocked and sad] 
--> This after being reminded to not ask her about how her husband died. 

    Lawrence starting to teach Cooper how to dance

J. Lawrence: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
B. Cooper: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
J. Lawrence: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
B. Cooper: I don't feel anything.

Oh, another side note: Julia Stiles is way mature here - with kids and eyebags and a propensity to dismiss the little things. Whereas a few weeks ago, I just saw her on 10 Things I Hate About You at the office's Valentine presentation. Talk about the realization that you're finally old!

Oh yeah, I had pesto a few days afterward as well. Still had some leftover pasta from the big birthday cookout and the pesto sauce that I wasn't able to use then. And the aroma of pesto sauce -- it just gets to me! It's addicting, couldn't get enough of it! One of the reasons why I would so like to live in Italy.

So what was it about disposition that I was talking about? Well, a healthy sense of self and reality enables one to turn disappointments and downtimes into one of the best times or memories of one's life. Think about it.

of dark eyes and Dune nights

Missed my first class this morning, of which I'm not supposed to incur any more absences... well, there's nothing left to do but let it go. I'm good at that, letting things go. For sure, there's something that can be done about it later. So yes, I have to go to the doctor and have him/her make me a medical certificate stating that I was sick, so that, meine Lehrerin will hopefully strike today's absence as excused and thus will not add to the tally. And then I can still go on with my classes without much trouble. Seriously though, she could be more considerate. And we have a total of 12 tardiness to maximize. She's probably unaware of it. So I should tell her about it.

Spanish art from a German postcrosser, mushrooms in Finland and a cathedral in Russia

I've sent acknowledgements to the three postcrossers whose cards I received today (these are the kind of surprises I like waking up to). Right now, I've just been playing Strange Overtones over and over again. It's very beautiful. I love the original version by Brian Eno and David Byrne, but this cover by We Barbarians is still reminiscent of the original, with probably a bit more youthfulness in it. There's the soaring vocals in the original, and I don't know, I just feel the whole song, the whole situation. And then... maybe give it a listen? :)

Playing this song incites in me a pensive mood... I've actually decided to let certain imaginings go. I've been having eye contact with this guy at work for a while now. It all started when he found out I was reading Dune, which turned out to be also his favorite book. He was surprised and somewhat overwhelmed or like he said, excited at that time. He couldn't stop talking about it, even telling me that he had a tattoo of a line from the book and tried to show it to me (I failed to understand it though), and told me that it's worth reading to the end since the Kwisatz Haderach will finally be revealed. I had just started rereading the first book to refresh myself on the minute details, since I was due to start on the fourth book of the hexalogy. But as much as I love reading, I'm not as articulate on what I like about them. I like stories and storytelling. Even in films, I don't care much about the deeper developments in the characters, the twists in the plot, as long as it's well-written, it's got a good flow going and it's not the usual, I'm almost often into them. Same goes with films. So I couldn't comment enough while he was talking.

It's not like we became fast friends after that. I'm not the type that strangers easily approach and talk to, if they were not the talkative kind. So we didn't talk again after that. Well, there weren't any chances to. There was a time shortly after though, I was standing up and I looked up from my screen and saw him looking at me, so I promptly averted my gaze. For some reason, he was in the bay beside us. I'm not sure if that was the only time though. And then suddenly, all I know is that, when he passes through the aisles, I find myself looking up. Initially, maybe he hadn't intended to look. And maybe I'm just drawn to him that I had to see him while he passed by. But I no longer remember a time when I would look up and he wasn't looking straight at me. I always look away first, but not before lingering a bit in each other's gazes. When I'm the one passing through the aisles, I'm usually self-conscious so I try not to look. But the few times that I did, well it's like a habit you can't stop doing. There are times when I know he's passing by, but I consciously don't look to avoid any more incidents like that. But out of the corner of my eye (is my peri vision really that reliable?), I know he's looking at me, like what happened one Sunday.

And so I'm a bit torn as to what to do. I've decided recently however, that I'm gonna stop this. That a guy who's got some sort of interest in anyone would take the reins and do something about it, and not just forever make eye contact with that person, all the while not doing anything about it. Self-esteem issues came up as well. But yeah, I'm not willing to risk anything like what I did the last time. So I was gonna let it go.

At least before yesterday. Haha. Gosh, don't I fixate on things.

I believe it happened twice yesterday. I don't remember what brought about the second one, but I'm sure that's the more intense one of the two. Before that, I was walking along the aisle, coming from the CR I think, and he was also passing that way. Well, he backed up. So I thought, yeah, everything's done with. Then later on, because I was facing the aisle and was sitting near the end, I looked up at a movement and it was him. And I saw that he stopped for a few moments at what he was about to do. And maybe because I was closer to him this time - two steps and I'm right in his face, maybe that's why it affected me more than all those other times.

Now, I'm once again trying to find my way in the dark, after having given up on this endeavor, to see more of those dark eyes, that I know desire to express a lot more than all the things I've heard or seen.

---

For an quick interesting look on Dune, you may want to check out Julia Yu's Goodnight Dune, inspired by a parody on Collegehumor.com's '5 Children's Scifi books' while maintaining the original feel of Margaret Wise Brown's Goodnight Moon.

senti-men(ts)

Cusack's boombox scene in Say Anything kind
of captures the traditional senti Sunday mood

I just got home, and now I'm eating spaghetti and meat sauce. JAM is off the air for a few more hours, so rather than subjecting my ears to noisy pop ditties, I succumbed to listening to songs of yesteryears. Senti Sunday it is.

When I was a kid, Sundays meant the songs of my parents' younger years blasting from the speakers, courtesy of Star FM's Never on Sunday program. Staples were Tennessee Waltz, Sad Movies and that song that goes 'How much is that doggie in the window?' Twenty-something years later, I'm no longer surprised that songs played in programs like MYX Backtrax were by the BSB or Spice Girls. I'm not sure when Till They Take My Heart Away became popular but that song, and others like Take My Breath Away and Crazy for You define this wee-hours-of-the-morning's playlist. Nothing like being by your lonesome accompanied bye these kinds of songs permeating the airwaves, huh?

Incidentally, earlier tonight I found this poem by Alma S. Anonas. I was reading the 2002 Likhaan Book of Poetry and Fiction in between taking calls and somehow found myself going through the poetry section and reading them out loud, something I'm not usually won't to do. It's called Reply and (in the tradition of making song dedications over the radio) this goes out to you who will in the future ignite such curiosity as well.

Reply | Alma S. Anonas

You asked me
Why I kissed you
That scotched
Saturday evening.

Because I was curious.
Because I had drunk three-fourths
Of a bottle of scotch.
Because you asked me with your eyes.

Had I been sober,
Had I been sane,
Your lips
Would never have touched mine.

I kept my eyes closed
To your exquisitely ugly face.
I hadn't gone that far
Into the black yet.
Nothing personal.

I just wanted a period
To answer the question mark
Of what you tasted like.

Now I know.

Earlier last night as well when one of my officemates was talking to me, I somehow came to realize that I'd definitely go for a guy who reads, and not just magazines or the current thriller or fantasy novels. I'd go for someone who reads literature. He'd be extremely sexy in my mind; he'd share to me what lit is about as I have close to nada in understanding the classics, even if I sometimes read them. His thoughts will be of a depth and extent unlike any I have ever encountered. He will explain to me the different themes of different canon in between cuddling or whatnot. He'd quote lines and ignite my imagination while sharing to me his literary world. And it would help if he's got a hot bod and is not a wimp. Oh I am so drooling right now!

Yum!

troubled

There are times when you're bogged down - by your thoughts, the loftier/more enlightened thoughts of those in your social network, your expectations of yourself - and everything else goes awry. No matter how you think you can stop that line of thinking and just go on like you normally do, you can't help but succumb to it.   Doing other things still couldn't stop you from feeling how much of a failure you are right now, why you're not like all the others. A sign of clinical depression? :(

Write, write, write

No matter how many things I need to do (not only now but also in the near future) with the little time I have and will end up having, I always end up telling myself that 'I wanna do this, oh, this is interesting as well, I wanna do this too!' Yeah, a few more hours in the interwebs today and I came across two really interesting things, that I may just dip my toes in. Uh-huh.

First up, litreactor.com has its science fiction writing challenge known as Teleport Us. This follows the success of their previous challenge on horror writing last year. It's open to both amateurs and professionals, and anywhere from 1,500 to 4,000 words will get you in, as long as you adhere to three guidelines: explore a utopian/dystopian theme, feature a technology that's scientifically plausible and feature a non-human character. It's good to be starting now as submissions will end the 28th of February. There. That should provide me impetus to finally make good on all my resolutions to write years ago. Hmm... Esep esep...

Second, I didn't think there were many offshoots of the NaNoWriMo. I came across the NaBloPoMo and then later on ScriptFrenzy which occurs in April. Now, it seems there's LetterMo and it's for February. What's this about? You write anything - a letter, a postcard, send a picture, swatch of cloth, pages of magazines or newspapers, or write back to someone who wrote to you - every day of February and send them through the postal system.  I'm a sucker for the ways of the old, and there's nothing like seeing a surprise brought by the postman from a faraway or even nearby place in the world. I'm sure it'll be a worthwhile exercise in creativity. Now, if I can sustain this I still have to see. Although I have this twisted hope that I can. :)

So yeah, this is good, putting writing at the forefront of my activities to finally do/accomplish this 2013. My sister, who's currently taking up Medicine, and I have had this idea that's been sitting on the back burner for a while now of a graphic novel/illustrated book collaboration. We initially had an idea to make a children's book. And then all our fascination with Philippine myth (sparked by the Trese and Skyworld series) gave us the idea to make an alternative mythology graphic novel, similar to Paolo Chikiamco's Alternative Alamat issue over at Rocketkapre.com. We still have no idea which story to do up to this day, but hopefully all this writing (on my side) and creativity will spur us to make time and finally do it.

So, there's nothing more to say but Fight!

Christmas this time around

there aren't many images of tropical Christmas love so here

Christmas was pleasanter this time around. Even if it wasn't the same magical thing I've come to expect, a hangover from childhood as most everyone can attest to, in some respects it was more meaningful as I came to expect goodness and time spent with people who matter to you. It wasn't much about the material things. They were just secondary to showing how much you care for your loved ones. It was the first time I've felt this way. Must be some people's penchant for giving gifts rubbing off on me. It's kinda my first time to deliberately think about what to give not just for one or two people. In the beginning, thinking about what to give kinda paralyzed me. Well, once I was at the department store and shopping with a friend, somehow the choice became a bit easier. Indeed, it was fun wrapping them up later that night, discovering ways on how to give those department store wrapping personnel a run for the money. I also managed to watch both Gegen die Wand and Solino, which would be the basis for part of our group report report for my German class. They were very well made.

It was a really good time for me, making the most of wrapping up presents and watching well-developed stories. One about trying to break away from the conservative ways of family while trying to maintain the status quo with the housemate/husband she's come to start loving and how that same love has also changed the ways of a womanizing, troublemaking drunkard who, after his time in prison is now a reformed man. It's their chance to be what they once were, now that they are mature. The other one is about a smart Italian boy who grows up in Germany amidst the family's restaurant boom. He's influenced by a filmmaker who uses their restaurant as a location, and teaches him on some basic but fundamental things. His chance for a breakthrough comes but his Mom is finally diagnosed and, after finding out her husband has been cheating on her, goes back to their old village Solino and he has no choice but to go with her. His jealous older brother then steals the chance he made for himself along with his girlfriend. It is many years later when he's got kids and is about to marry that they reconcile. However, still no hope for the father who chose to stick with his pride.

Might I point out that things were also made the more pleasanter (now that I've started this whole compare/contrast thing) because I've fully healed from whatever heartbreak I was suffering from the past year. Indeed, I was even about to cry before Noche Buena last year. Since none of those thoughts or scenes repeated themselves this year, then I can safely say that that guy did have more than an effect on me (more than healthy in fact) than I would sometimes claim. That's not to say I'm entirely immune to whatever it was that had me going for him for some time. I can't help but be ambivalent about his actions and behavior in the office given that he's not the most popular person there right now. My whole team, even my TL, don't really hold him in good regard. Same goes with some, most(?) other employees... It's like this is him and the very few who stand by him on one side, and the rest of the office is on the other side. It's that bad. And where am I? Right there in the middle. Oh, if only he could be understood and he could understand better as well. All it takes is a little consideration, methinks.

Anyway, when he went to our part of the floor earlier last night to offer the VTO and I was then standing around since I was on offline, he still managed to acknowledge me. Not that I was expecting otherwise. But he also managed to blurt out a 'happy new year' and then looking at the list he was holding, much to the amusement (?) of one of my teammates who heard him. Dare I say that somehow warmed me? That in spite of all the tension and bad blood between my team and him (my teammates jeer on him and cheer on the failures his team is experiencing), he's still recognizing our connection, dare I say it, to even greet me, in front of them. I just want to make clear that there's nothing on my end anymore. It's just the after effects of the before. And this kind of attention from someone you craved attention from before is not so unwelcome, even if there should be no kind of expectation on my part anymore. It's more like a childhood crush that won't go away, moreso because of all the good feelings that person engenders. Really. And my girlfriends have concluded that it does take a certain type of guy to have that effect on you, sometimes no matter what they did or didn't do. Mine's not exactly your usual goodlooking guy, mind you. And until someone, with a stronger effect who can make you forget about all that, comes along, you'll be stuck in this same limbo for sometime. Well, that's it. I'm just airing out my feelings for one part of this whole nasty thing that's been going on for a while, long before I even had this week-long vacation from work, and with no one to share this to... There's the excuse right there in this Christmas-related post.

something about sleep

                               
It's really different when I go back home. For one, it was my first time to once again spend an entire week there. For most of the past nine years, I've been living here in QC, going home to Dagupan only during sembreaks, and then when I was working, when there were holidays. This time around, with the holidays falling on a Monday and a Tuesday, it was more economical to just take a whole week leave, instead of going home starting on Friday, coming back on Wednesday to work and then leave again on Friday for the next round of festivities. That, and the idea that I really needed to rest after that school-work combo (with an 8:30 am class routine) I've been doing for some weeks now. And so I got to spend both Christmas and New Year's Eve at home, unlike recent years.

There must be something about home and the habits and consciousness I've formed living there for most of my first 17 years. I didn't think I'd slip so easily into having an almost normal sleep pattern, i.e. sleeping at night, latest at midnight and then waking up, no matter what, the next day at 7. I guess it was the length of time I was staying that brought me back to that previous state. It wasn't like that when I'd go home before for just 2 or 3 days. This after being used to waking up at 10 am onwards for two years now. Surprising. There was even a day when I slept at 4 am because I slept the afternoon before. But since it was Sunday, I still woke up at 7 am that morning. Then we went to church, baked cookies after lunch, tried out a recipe for mojos (which turned into potato chips) and then had my hair dyed by my sister. Was I running on adrenaline then? Maybe. Still slept at midnight that night and still woke up at 7 the next day.