a wandering mind

How does one hatch an idea?

Sure, you could think about the topic and go through your points systematically, as if you were working with an outline. And then there are the moments when you've ceased to think, but the moment you commence thinking, your brain goes on an entirely new track you didn't consciously steer it to. In fact, there was no preamble for the current direction your thoughts are taking. Then finally, you've exhausted everything in that scenario and stop thinking about it altogether and then continue with what you were doing, say the laundry. And then after a little while, out of nowhere comes another line of reasoning, another set of possibilities completely unrelated to the ones you've thought before. And you can't help but wonder where are all these thoughts coming from.

I've gone through so many I'm just surprised at how I came up with each and everyone. But no matter how many scenarios I come up with, I still won't know unless I hear it straight from the horse's mouth.

There's this one thing I read about one's thoughts wandering. I don't remember the beginning. The second part just says something to the effect that it's where your thoughts go the moment your mind starts wondering. Hmm...

qualcosa che spero dirti

It's different when your head is up in the clouds. You see things differently - ideally is the word for it, I guess, and think that these kinds of things are possible. You get swept up in these whirls of emotion, get high on them. Images and music that appeal to you heighten the feeling. Soon, you think. Oh, how blissful life is!

But there are the days when you're trying to keep your feet on the ground, reverting to your Interrogator persona, the one who thrives on logic, to make sense of the whats and whys and hows. But you're held back since you only have one side of the situation. And you're writing entries like this. And wonder when you'll get a dose of reality.

And come crashing down again.


But still hoping that the thing you've pinned your hopes on
will not let you down.

And you're waiting and waiting... until the emotions wear off...

Or you get tired.

And hope everything comes to pass already.

looking at the same things the other way around

thoughts running through my head on the bus earlier

- how even though i've managed to avoid looking at k for the past week, he still looks at me. is it that he's wanting to incite the same thing we used to do? both times i've noticed when i came back from the 24th floor via the stairs. last sunday i was in a dress. today, well the top button of the gray coverup was open and i'm not sure if any cleavage is being shown. both times i was in heels. and it's not like he tried to avert his gaze soon after. oh no. it was I who did that. and yet earlier, he was crying out how he spent the weekend with his girlfriend in antipolo. what the eff... and so, even though i've resolved to ignore him, or whatever it was, it gets me thinking again... digging up pieces of evidence that suggest something else

- thinking about touch, and what it means. did me allowing e to hold my hand, put his arm around my shoulders, hell, letting him kiss me on the cheek equate to me wanting to do more of that? am i much too forward for having done that for the past two meetups, and both in the confines of the taxi? it's not like it's our first "date" but it did seem like our first after the long hiatus. or is it the anticipation of something else that has me warming up to the idea of touch? hearing him wet his lips - did he think maybe he wanted to take it further? what would I do next time, if ever he did try something? will i indulge him, myself? should i do more when he holds my hand - i.e. squeeze, make more contact possible?

- how will i handle being in a relationship with him? he's not the alpha male type, and i have a tendency to take control of things... will i be dominant? what happens when they have gigs? when he falls sick? i can see myself doing what my friend used to do.

- how before none of these concerns would be taking up a lot of my thinking time, but now, there's not only 1 but 2 characters in there, sometimes 3 or 4... the things that change as you grow older

pasta-centric and crazy days

An early birthday surprise from my penpal in Germany -
a photo she took in  Barcelona and a card she made herself

Life does never seem to fail one who has the right disposition. I'm talking mainly about myself and how I had imagined that this year would be a step back in the celebration of my turning a year older. I thought to start a tradition last year that my birthdays would from then on be celebrated away from where I reside, namely Quezon City. I've lived here for the past 10 years now this coming May, since I started my freshman year in university - the first six years within or near the vicinity of the university and the last four years still a bit nearby, at least two jeepney rides away from school.

Before last year, I often just ate out with friends or siblings to celebrate 3rds of March. And I don't know when turning a year older lost its novelty. Must be one of those times when I had much to do, seeing as March marks the end of the semester, and when my birthday comes, I'd be deep in requirements or exams. There was even one birthday when I had Chemistry exams, even though it was a Sunday. To break off the monotony, I went with my best friend to Tagaytay, I place I've heard so much about but have never set foot on. I had meant to top that off this year with a surf trip to Baler. This time, not only staying overnight but for two nights.

Well... studies did have to strike again. My inability to go was mainly spurred by the fact that I am a chronic procrastinator, and had I actually taken the time that I took off from the supposed teambuilding the other weekend to work on the report, I wouldn't have had to cancel on my surfing plans. So everything is still my fault. So much for going surfing once every month until the end of the surf season. So I put off my surfing photos... And will soon get that digiperm I had wanted to have since last year.

I didn't really mean to celebrate early. But it was the Friday night that I was supposed to be going to Baler, and a good friend just turned a year older that week as well, the 25th of February. So why not celebrate our birthdays together, midway between the two dates? We went to a place I've wanted to try for a long time now, Bellini's in Cubao. I had a creamy seafood pesto, she had their puttanesca, and we shared a salami-topped pizza, capped off by some sweet wine. Lovely meal. We were even able to watch the owner in action - still very Italian after all these years in the Philippines.

The next evening, I schemed with another friend whom I haven't talked to for quite a while now, since we already have different work schedules. We went to another place I've never tried before - Banapple. They have huge servings for the same cost than in other pasta places. We were both so full even if we haven't finished our main courses yet, and we each still had one slice of cake to eat. I tried out their Apple Pie - sehr lecker! They used actual apple slices, and not mashed up ones that you just know would contain something else than apple. Then it was another first for me as I welcomed my birthday with alcohol. I only told my friend I was celebrating my birthday once we entered the grounds of Cubao X. There, I guess in hindsight, I could say that I should be careful about what I wish for for I just might get it. I did have this ongoing theme of what one of my friends could give me for my birthday. Well, when I thought about it later, there it was. And until now, I'm still not decided on it. I had a detached sort of objective view about it, but I've never really fully revisited it to form a definitive reaction and decision.

I decided to actually have some food for my birthday at home, which I never did before. It was all part of a good vibe (which temporarily faltered - another story for another time) I had going and I got to sustain it so I pushed through with it. After having three hours of sleep and some breakfast, I finalized my plan without telling my housemates why I was doing it. Only my siblings knew, and I had already texted my sister who is living in Manila to come by for snacks. I had planned on having pizza, pasta and nachos, not realizing that I've already had pasta for two consecutive days before this. Well, pasta has been a mainstay for birthdays - my mom cooked spaghetti with meat sauce everytime we had birthdays at home. So as the bulk of the foodstuffs, it was inevitable. I bought the ingredients after lunch. My older cousin came with me, and instead of nachos, we just bought a big bag of tortilla chips with lime flavor, and then opted for cake. Now, when the word cake came to me, I immediately thought about Conti's Mango Bravo. I was shocked by the price, but nevertheless went on with it because I had a good feeling about it, even though I last ate this many years ago.


Well, the celebrations didn't stop there. I had a date with two good friends to watch Silver Linings Playbook. I was intrigued by this movie title last January when that was what I got for charades at a party - which, when my groupmates got correctly really made me ecstatic, since I'm not really good at acting out things for people to guess about. I saw on an ad though, that the film won some awards. And it didn't look like a really serious film, nothing like the likes of Inception or the Departed (pardon the very old films - I'm no longer updated these days). So off did I watch it without any expectations. And I loved it! We were laughing at almost every turn. Of course, if that was happening to me or someone I know, it would be very frustrating indeed. How about if not only one, but your husband and two sons were suffering from some sort of mental illness as well? I can't even begin to imagine... The treatment is just lovely! We laugh at the inanity of it all, but still, we're there rooting for the characters to rise above it all. (And hullo, Bradley Cooper! I didn't know you before but glad to know you now, haha!) So I believe it's now one of my favorite films. Some of the lines that really made me laugh out loud:

  The first time they meet

B. Cooper: You look nice. 
J. Lawrence: Thank you. 
B. Cooper: Oh, I'm not flirting with you. 
J. Lawrence: Oh, I didn't think you were. 
B. Cooper: I just see that you made an effort, and I'm gonna be better with my wife. I'm working on that. I wanna acknowledge her beauty. I never used to do that. I do now. Just practicing. How'd Tommy die? [Lawrence looks shocked and sad] 
--> This after being reminded to not ask her about how her husband died. 

    Lawrence starting to teach Cooper how to dance

J. Lawrence: No walk, no letter. Walk to me like I'm Nikki. Do it, come on, I'm Nikki.
B. Cooper: You're not Nikki.
[does the walk anyway]
J. Lawrence: Yes! Do you feel that? That's emotion.
B. Cooper: I don't feel anything.

Oh, another side note: Julia Stiles is way mature here - with kids and eyebags and a propensity to dismiss the little things. Whereas a few weeks ago, I just saw her on 10 Things I Hate About You at the office's Valentine presentation. Talk about the realization that you're finally old!

Oh yeah, I had pesto a few days afterward as well. Still had some leftover pasta from the big birthday cookout and the pesto sauce that I wasn't able to use then. And the aroma of pesto sauce -- it just gets to me! It's addicting, couldn't get enough of it! One of the reasons why I would so like to live in Italy.

So what was it about disposition that I was talking about? Well, a healthy sense of self and reality enables one to turn disappointments and downtimes into one of the best times or memories of one's life. Think about it.

of dark eyes and Dune nights

Missed my first class this morning, of which I'm not supposed to incur any more absences... well, there's nothing left to do but let it go. I'm good at that, letting things go. For sure, there's something that can be done about it later. So yes, I have to go to the doctor and have him/her make me a medical certificate stating that I was sick, so that, meine Lehrerin will hopefully strike today's absence as excused and thus will not add to the tally. And then I can still go on with my classes without much trouble. Seriously though, she could be more considerate. And we have a total of 12 tardiness to maximize. She's probably unaware of it. So I should tell her about it.

Spanish art from a German postcrosser, mushrooms in Finland and a cathedral in Russia

I've sent acknowledgements to the three postcrossers whose cards I received today (these are the kind of surprises I like waking up to). Right now, I've just been playing Strange Overtones over and over again. It's very beautiful. I love the original version by Brian Eno and David Byrne, but this cover by We Barbarians is still reminiscent of the original, with probably a bit more youthfulness in it. There's the soaring vocals in the original, and I don't know, I just feel the whole song, the whole situation. And then... maybe give it a listen? :)

Playing this song incites in me a pensive mood... I've actually decided to let certain imaginings go. I've been having eye contact with this guy at work for a while now. It all started when he found out I was reading Dune, which turned out to be also his favorite book. He was surprised and somewhat overwhelmed or like he said, excited at that time. He couldn't stop talking about it, even telling me that he had a tattoo of a line from the book and tried to show it to me (I failed to understand it though), and told me that it's worth reading to the end since the Kwisatz Haderach will finally be revealed. I had just started rereading the first book to refresh myself on the minute details, since I was due to start on the fourth book of the hexalogy. But as much as I love reading, I'm not as articulate on what I like about them. I like stories and storytelling. Even in films, I don't care much about the deeper developments in the characters, the twists in the plot, as long as it's well-written, it's got a good flow going and it's not the usual, I'm almost often into them. Same goes with films. So I couldn't comment enough while he was talking.

It's not like we became fast friends after that. I'm not the type that strangers easily approach and talk to, if they were not the talkative kind. So we didn't talk again after that. Well, there weren't any chances to. There was a time shortly after though, I was standing up and I looked up from my screen and saw him looking at me, so I promptly averted my gaze. For some reason, he was in the bay beside us. I'm not sure if that was the only time though. And then suddenly, all I know is that, when he passes through the aisles, I find myself looking up. Initially, maybe he hadn't intended to look. And maybe I'm just drawn to him that I had to see him while he passed by. But I no longer remember a time when I would look up and he wasn't looking straight at me. I always look away first, but not before lingering a bit in each other's gazes. When I'm the one passing through the aisles, I'm usually self-conscious so I try not to look. But the few times that I did, well it's like a habit you can't stop doing. There are times when I know he's passing by, but I consciously don't look to avoid any more incidents like that. But out of the corner of my eye (is my peri vision really that reliable?), I know he's looking at me, like what happened one Sunday.

And so I'm a bit torn as to what to do. I've decided recently however, that I'm gonna stop this. That a guy who's got some sort of interest in anyone would take the reins and do something about it, and not just forever make eye contact with that person, all the while not doing anything about it. Self-esteem issues came up as well. But yeah, I'm not willing to risk anything like what I did the last time. So I was gonna let it go.

At least before yesterday. Haha. Gosh, don't I fixate on things.

I believe it happened twice yesterday. I don't remember what brought about the second one, but I'm sure that's the more intense one of the two. Before that, I was walking along the aisle, coming from the CR I think, and he was also passing that way. Well, he backed up. So I thought, yeah, everything's done with. Then later on, because I was facing the aisle and was sitting near the end, I looked up at a movement and it was him. And I saw that he stopped for a few moments at what he was about to do. And maybe because I was closer to him this time - two steps and I'm right in his face, maybe that's why it affected me more than all those other times.

Now, I'm once again trying to find my way in the dark, after having given up on this endeavor, to see more of those dark eyes, that I know desire to express a lot more than all the things I've heard or seen.

---

For an quick interesting look on Dune, you may want to check out Julia Yu's Goodnight Dune, inspired by a parody on Collegehumor.com's '5 Children's Scifi books' while maintaining the original feel of Margaret Wise Brown's Goodnight Moon.

senti-men(ts)

Cusack's boombox scene in Say Anything kind
of captures the traditional senti Sunday mood

I just got home, and now I'm eating spaghetti and meat sauce. JAM is off the air for a few more hours, so rather than subjecting my ears to noisy pop ditties, I succumbed to listening to songs of yesteryears. Senti Sunday it is.

When I was a kid, Sundays meant the songs of my parents' younger years blasting from the speakers, courtesy of Star FM's Never on Sunday program. Staples were Tennessee Waltz, Sad Movies and that song that goes 'How much is that doggie in the window?' Twenty-something years later, I'm no longer surprised that songs played in programs like MYX Backtrax were by the BSB or Spice Girls. I'm not sure when Till They Take My Heart Away became popular but that song, and others like Take My Breath Away and Crazy for You define this wee-hours-of-the-morning's playlist. Nothing like being by your lonesome accompanied bye these kinds of songs permeating the airwaves, huh?

Incidentally, earlier tonight I found this poem by Alma S. Anonas. I was reading the 2002 Likhaan Book of Poetry and Fiction in between taking calls and somehow found myself going through the poetry section and reading them out loud, something I'm not usually won't to do. It's called Reply and (in the tradition of making song dedications over the radio) this goes out to you who will in the future ignite such curiosity as well.

Reply | Alma S. Anonas

You asked me
Why I kissed you
That scotched
Saturday evening.

Because I was curious.
Because I had drunk three-fourths
Of a bottle of scotch.
Because you asked me with your eyes.

Had I been sober,
Had I been sane,
Your lips
Would never have touched mine.

I kept my eyes closed
To your exquisitely ugly face.
I hadn't gone that far
Into the black yet.
Nothing personal.

I just wanted a period
To answer the question mark
Of what you tasted like.

Now I know.

Earlier last night as well when one of my officemates was talking to me, I somehow came to realize that I'd definitely go for a guy who reads, and not just magazines or the current thriller or fantasy novels. I'd go for someone who reads literature. He'd be extremely sexy in my mind; he'd share to me what lit is about as I have close to nada in understanding the classics, even if I sometimes read them. His thoughts will be of a depth and extent unlike any I have ever encountered. He will explain to me the different themes of different canon in between cuddling or whatnot. He'd quote lines and ignite my imagination while sharing to me his literary world. And it would help if he's got a hot bod and is not a wimp. Oh I am so drooling right now!

Yum!

troubled

There are times when you're bogged down - by your thoughts, the loftier/more enlightened thoughts of those in your social network, your expectations of yourself - and everything else goes awry. No matter how you think you can stop that line of thinking and just go on like you normally do, you can't help but succumb to it.   Doing other things still couldn't stop you from feeling how much of a failure you are right now, why you're not like all the others. A sign of clinical depression? :(

Write, write, write

No matter how many things I need to do (not only now but also in the near future) with the little time I have and will end up having, I always end up telling myself that 'I wanna do this, oh, this is interesting as well, I wanna do this too!' Yeah, a few more hours in the interwebs today and I came across two really interesting things, that I may just dip my toes in. Uh-huh.

First up, litreactor.com has its science fiction writing challenge known as Teleport Us. This follows the success of their previous challenge on horror writing last year. It's open to both amateurs and professionals, and anywhere from 1,500 to 4,000 words will get you in, as long as you adhere to three guidelines: explore a utopian/dystopian theme, feature a technology that's scientifically plausible and feature a non-human character. It's good to be starting now as submissions will end the 28th of February. There. That should provide me impetus to finally make good on all my resolutions to write years ago. Hmm... Esep esep...

Second, I didn't think there were many offshoots of the NaNoWriMo. I came across the NaBloPoMo and then later on ScriptFrenzy which occurs in April. Now, it seems there's LetterMo and it's for February. What's this about? You write anything - a letter, a postcard, send a picture, swatch of cloth, pages of magazines or newspapers, or write back to someone who wrote to you - every day of February and send them through the postal system.  I'm a sucker for the ways of the old, and there's nothing like seeing a surprise brought by the postman from a faraway or even nearby place in the world. I'm sure it'll be a worthwhile exercise in creativity. Now, if I can sustain this I still have to see. Although I have this twisted hope that I can. :)

So yeah, this is good, putting writing at the forefront of my activities to finally do/accomplish this 2013. My sister, who's currently taking up Medicine, and I have had this idea that's been sitting on the back burner for a while now of a graphic novel/illustrated book collaboration. We initially had an idea to make a children's book. And then all our fascination with Philippine myth (sparked by the Trese and Skyworld series) gave us the idea to make an alternative mythology graphic novel, similar to Paolo Chikiamco's Alternative Alamat issue over at Rocketkapre.com. We still have no idea which story to do up to this day, but hopefully all this writing (on my side) and creativity will spur us to make time and finally do it.

So, there's nothing more to say but Fight!

Christmas this time around

there aren't many images of tropical Christmas love so here

Christmas was pleasanter this time around. Even if it wasn't the same magical thing I've come to expect, a hangover from childhood as most everyone can attest to, in some respects it was more meaningful as I came to expect goodness and time spent with people who matter to you. It wasn't much about the material things. They were just secondary to showing how much you care for your loved ones. It was the first time I've felt this way. Must be some people's penchant for giving gifts rubbing off on me. It's kinda my first time to deliberately think about what to give not just for one or two people. In the beginning, thinking about what to give kinda paralyzed me. Well, once I was at the department store and shopping with a friend, somehow the choice became a bit easier. Indeed, it was fun wrapping them up later that night, discovering ways on how to give those department store wrapping personnel a run for the money. I also managed to watch both Gegen die Wand and Solino, which would be the basis for part of our group report report for my German class. They were very well made.

It was a really good time for me, making the most of wrapping up presents and watching well-developed stories. One about trying to break away from the conservative ways of family while trying to maintain the status quo with the housemate/husband she's come to start loving and how that same love has also changed the ways of a womanizing, troublemaking drunkard who, after his time in prison is now a reformed man. It's their chance to be what they once were, now that they are mature. The other one is about a smart Italian boy who grows up in Germany amidst the family's restaurant boom. He's influenced by a filmmaker who uses their restaurant as a location, and teaches him on some basic but fundamental things. His chance for a breakthrough comes but his Mom is finally diagnosed and, after finding out her husband has been cheating on her, goes back to their old village Solino and he has no choice but to go with her. His jealous older brother then steals the chance he made for himself along with his girlfriend. It is many years later when he's got kids and is about to marry that they reconcile. However, still no hope for the father who chose to stick with his pride.

Might I point out that things were also made the more pleasanter (now that I've started this whole compare/contrast thing) because I've fully healed from whatever heartbreak I was suffering from the past year. Indeed, I was even about to cry before Noche Buena last year. Since none of those thoughts or scenes repeated themselves this year, then I can safely say that that guy did have more than an effect on me (more than healthy in fact) than I would sometimes claim. That's not to say I'm entirely immune to whatever it was that had me going for him for some time. I can't help but be ambivalent about his actions and behavior in the office given that he's not the most popular person there right now. My whole team, even my TL, don't really hold him in good regard. Same goes with some, most(?) other employees... It's like this is him and the very few who stand by him on one side, and the rest of the office is on the other side. It's that bad. And where am I? Right there in the middle. Oh, if only he could be understood and he could understand better as well. All it takes is a little consideration, methinks.

Anyway, when he went to our part of the floor earlier last night to offer the VTO and I was then standing around since I was on offline, he still managed to acknowledge me. Not that I was expecting otherwise. But he also managed to blurt out a 'happy new year' and then looking at the list he was holding, much to the amusement (?) of one of my teammates who heard him. Dare I say that somehow warmed me? That in spite of all the tension and bad blood between my team and him (my teammates jeer on him and cheer on the failures his team is experiencing), he's still recognizing our connection, dare I say it, to even greet me, in front of them. I just want to make clear that there's nothing on my end anymore. It's just the after effects of the before. And this kind of attention from someone you craved attention from before is not so unwelcome, even if there should be no kind of expectation on my part anymore. It's more like a childhood crush that won't go away, moreso because of all the good feelings that person engenders. Really. And my girlfriends have concluded that it does take a certain type of guy to have that effect on you, sometimes no matter what they did or didn't do. Mine's not exactly your usual goodlooking guy, mind you. And until someone, with a stronger effect who can make you forget about all that, comes along, you'll be stuck in this same limbo for sometime. Well, that's it. I'm just airing out my feelings for one part of this whole nasty thing that's been going on for a while, long before I even had this week-long vacation from work, and with no one to share this to... There's the excuse right there in this Christmas-related post.

something about sleep

                               
It's really different when I go back home. For one, it was my first time to once again spend an entire week there. For most of the past nine years, I've been living here in QC, going home to Dagupan only during sembreaks, and then when I was working, when there were holidays. This time around, with the holidays falling on a Monday and a Tuesday, it was more economical to just take a whole week leave, instead of going home starting on Friday, coming back on Wednesday to work and then leave again on Friday for the next round of festivities. That, and the idea that I really needed to rest after that school-work combo (with an 8:30 am class routine) I've been doing for some weeks now. And so I got to spend both Christmas and New Year's Eve at home, unlike recent years.

There must be something about home and the habits and consciousness I've formed living there for most of my first 17 years. I didn't think I'd slip so easily into having an almost normal sleep pattern, i.e. sleeping at night, latest at midnight and then waking up, no matter what, the next day at 7. I guess it was the length of time I was staying that brought me back to that previous state. It wasn't like that when I'd go home before for just 2 or 3 days. This after being used to waking up at 10 am onwards for two years now. Surprising. There was even a day when I slept at 4 am because I slept the afternoon before. But since it was Sunday, I still woke up at 7 am that morning. Then we went to church, baked cookies after lunch, tried out a recipe for mojos (which turned into potato chips) and then had my hair dyed by my sister. Was I running on adrenaline then? Maybe. Still slept at midnight that night and still woke up at 7 the next day.