*Ambivalent, like.

Many hours before this morning, I was completely confident, sure in what I was about to embark on. There was none of the self-consciousness or self-doubt that have crept up as I allowed myself to think of other possibilities. Well, one's gotta react to the issue at hand. So that with a wee bit of disappointment, I've managed to screw my views once again.

Damaging, like. It's something you can't help thinking, especially when you're on the verge of giving yourself completely to another. You'd think the other was as willing as you are in accepting another person... and with a little of this and a little of that, you start thinking that that may well not be the case. Once again, you've read too much into your interactions, the other's actions, to satisfy the fantasy world you've built.

Or...

You may just simply be overthinking things again. Isn't it better to just give in to the moment? Live it while it's happening and stop anymore of this senseless analysis when you can't really get to the root of your conflict unless you confront the person yourself.

As I've written in my previous blog's sidebar:

Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less and stop watching ourselves live. -- Nicolas de Chamfort

Too true, in my case. If only it was that easy.


*Inspired by Ewan McGregor and his crew in Trainspotting

here we go again

I believe that you can do whatever it is you want once you set your mind to it. All the disappointments and challenges in the world can be overcome by just thinking that they don't affect you much, that you'd still have a chance to remedy things; you don't have to pander on and on about how much of a waste your efforts were, or what you could've done with the time lost. No amount of sulking or sourgraping will change what happened. So the best thing would be to change how you think about it, move on and start doing what's needed. Indeed, being happy is all in the mind. And I have that written down in my profile.

I'm inclined to believe that I have the strength of mind to do this everytime I encounter something that's not up to my expectations. But I've come to realize lately that indeed, some things are far stronger than what I imagine them to be. Foremost among these is my emotions towards a certain... hmm, something.

It's the same pattern. Despite telling myself that I should stop imagining scenarios in my head, my brain just goes ahead and does it. I'd be thinking what to do next, and then soon enough, there'd be scenes playing in my head and it's on a roll and I'm in situations that are way too deep for me to actually expect them to happen. Or there'd be another development and immediately, my brain answers it with scenes up to a satisfactory ending. The thing with me fixating on this is that I expect... when I know I shouldn't be. Because the last time I did, I was disappointed big time. A heartbreak indeed. And it was a  while before I got over the whole thing. And while I was trying to get over the thing, I'd be in an emotional slide, high one time, then slowly slipping downwards until I'm rock bottom. And there are very few things in the world that could make me right again.

So I'm observing the same patterns again. I've tried to distance myself from the events, thinking that I can eventually master my emotions. And indeed I do, then I realize that going on with that line of thinking will end up with me no longer caring about what's happening. And it would be a sad thing. I'd be immune to whatever is happening, that I can no longer respond appropriately. It would be a shame if that were to happen. I wouldn't want that to happen.

So I try not to overthink, to overimagine events. But then, this thing that I'm expecting has been inexplicably tied to whatever pleasant emotions I'm feeling for the day, or for a certain stretch of time. Previously, it was only work that was causing me this emotional rollercoaster (just like last time), but now, another factor has added to it. And it's got a greater weight than work (again, like last time).

This is not good, because when I'm in the pits, I lose the drive to do anything at all. I'd be like this until I force myself to interact with other people hoping they could cheer me back up (which happens most of the time when I'm not too closed off to the world). But when I'm by myself again, I find that I have not recovered. I have simply put away the gloomy feelings for awhile before unlocking them again. Now is not a good time to be having those phases because besides working, I have school as well. I'm behind assignments. I realized the full brunt of being behind in my lessons yesterday and being helpless got me so scared. I don't want to waste the opportunity for studies I have right now.

I want to end this, like get to the bottom of this if I only knew the other's side. Walking this tightrope is a little frustrating because of what it does to my motivation towards other things. One moment I'm unsure, then I'd have a little hope with the help of a little positive imagination, only for me to squash it  some more with further analysis. Then I'd try to be neutral again to assuage the disappointment I'm having. Then I'd have some news and I'd be feeling light and a bit happy, like now. It's the down times that I hate because that translates to having little or no motivation for the other aspects of my life. And I'm sure I'd be going through this cycle again. I wouldn't want to stop at this right now, because who knows what might happen? I might find happiness, or at least something worth feeling all bonkers over when I weather this whole thing. And here I am being hopeful again...

I have to make the most of this chance because I've already missed out on this during my high school and college years. I no longer have the luxury of experiencing some innocent high school romance or even a simple college romance. Now as I'm older, things are more complicated because the world is bigger and the stakes are higher, and interests and priorities have changed.

I do believe that I can move on if this pans out to nothing. I wonder how long it'll take again though.

the in between days

It's been raining on and off for the past week. At times, it's just mild. And then later on, it'll shift into full strength with accompanying strong winds. Pants, shoes - everything becomes wet when you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hope this doesn't last until Friday, so as not to disrupt futsal practice. After last week's low strength and low moments, I don't wanna miss playing this week again.

...

After having no German last week, I'm glad we're back to regular programming this week. And the pressure is on again. We're gonna be doing some dialogues this afternoon. And a bit of newscasting next week. And here I am, reading anything but the news. I hope my partner and I can pull off the spontaneity our professor is looking for in our dialogs. I can understand the grammar, and can usually apply it while writing, but when you have to speak impromptu, you're just forced to let the ideas come out that the grammar gets left behind. My other problem is that when I'm answering questions during recitations, like when my prof is asking follow up questions, I am hardly able to string together a complete sentence, saying a noun, a preposition, some verb that may pass. But otherwise when I'm not answering in class, I believe I can say it completely and with sense. This is the part that is kinda frustrating. I should have been able to speak a bit by now. The thing is, I don't remember that many expressions or that many usage patterns nowadays. And with German verbs, they may have the same roots, but you just change the prefix a bit and the whole thing means something entirely different. This is what I still have to get my head around on, besides prepositions. I believe English language learners are also having difficulties regarding the correct prepositions to use. That is what I am experiencing as well in learning German.

...

I discovered this video of Razorback's Kevin Roy doing an acoustic version of Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares 2 U. It seems that the video comes from a performance series he does called Guilty Acoustic Pleasures, so-called probably because of the genres of the songs he's covering; Razorback's music is nowhere near those. Kevin Roy's got an amazing vocal range. And with the emotions he's projecting, I've come to realize the power of the song. Sinead's voice is soft, and probably a tad short of whiny. Absolutely in love with this performance (though the guitarist kinda spoils it with some of his comments).

And with the title alone... I wonder why I never remembered this song during those times.

...

Prior to discovering the previous video, my brother and I were laughing along to Basti Artadi's cover of Hot and Cold. He's with Razorback's Tirso Ripoll and the performance is part of their podcast called Tropical Banter, of which I haven't watched a full single episode. Anyhow, we were laughing really hard particularly to his cover of this song because he's managed to infuse his typical singing style. Like he was just singing Atomica and he was lengthening the vowels at the end of the last line of the verse or chorus.

They also have a cover of Call Me Maybe, with Basti rewriting the lyrics to suit his sensibilities - and what good it's done!

...

It's 5:25 AM and it's raining hard again... two panes of my window are already busted, that I had to put some plastic to prevent the onslaught of rain and wind on my bed and on my cabinet. In a few hours, it'll be a new schoolday and workday already - like I haven't just come from some 15 hours or so of the same, but yeah, that's my life right now... so I'll leave this be.

summat better and brighter,
TomatoAndCheese signing off from another kung-fu session ;D

colors and the Italian football clubs

Learning languages is such an eye-opener. Like last week, after we did an exercise on adjectives in my basic Italian class, it dawned on me that the nicknames for the Italian football clubs were so simple - they were based on the club's colors! Like Bianconeri are for Juventus' black (neri) and white (bianco) stripes. And AC Milan are called the Rossoneri because they're black and red (rossi). I realized this when I saw one of my teammates wearing the Italian national team's jersey with the words gli azzurri on the collar in training that aftenoon. So yes, it's an articoli determinativi check and now I know they are called like how the other national teams call themselves: the French are called Les Blues, the Spaniards are La Furia Roja, the Dutch are the Oranje and even my school UP are called the Fighting Maroons.

It used to be that when I'm reading Italian club football news, I get confused as to which team the article was  talking about because of all those nicknames. I did get a bit of a handle on them, but soon forgot them. Now, I know what they would be talking about as long as I know the team's jersey colors. Now, the next hurdle would be getting to know their home stadiums. They also like talking about San Siro (this is Juventus' home stadium, right?) and the others, like how iconic the Bernabeu and Camp Nou are in Spain and all over the world.

Calcio. Miss playing and watching it.

Yes we got AC Milan's rossoneri stripes but the ones in white and black are from Udinese Calcio

edit: 7/29/2012:

I'm wondering what celeste  means now. Is it something similar to skyblue? The Uruguayan and Argentinian national teams both have the words in their nicknames, one only known as Celeste while the other one is known as Albiceleste. To the Spanish-English dictionary then...

a most enlightening Friday with friends

Friday,
a prelude to better things to come - 
namely a weekend
of sport or adventure,
catching up with friends, 
eating out,
meeting new people, 
historical and photogrpahy delights - 
before plunging into another week of work and school.

So it was futsal Friday, and then it became Friuli Friday, so that in its entirety, it was friendship Friday.

It's been awhile since I hit the courts of Maginhawa with FC Sikad members, and the other day was a good time as any to make it into a regular habit. My accuracy in passing was off, I made defensive mistakes and didn't overlap enough to make the most of the attacks instigated by our talented midfielder Atet; but I wasn't as out of breath as I thought I'd be, and I've made some lucky saves when I was on goal. That's enough for now, after maybe a year of non-practice or any other physical activity that involves running. I did leave an hour earlier because I'm due to meet with friends. But I hope to see the guys and gals again next week.

I've been craving for pizza for a few days now, and had my first taste of it before I went to futsal practice. It was just a slice; and I've already agreed with Fati and Joyce that we're going to Friuli that day - Fati misses their pasta, and I've been craving for some pizza for a few days now and the price at Friuli never hurts even if you order both and more. There were only three of us and about five plates of food laid out on our wee table.

Pizza Marinara at Friuli Trattoria

Joyce had Spaghetti al Pesto and the Buono Verdure pizza (both for vegetarians) while between Fati and I, we shared a Marinara pizza, Spaghetti a la Puttanesca and ravioli. Suffice it to say that we were already quite filled up even when only half of the stuff was gone. Everything was a good choice, except maybe for the ravioli. This was also my second time trying out their Marinara, and it's still as good as ever. I love the combination of saltiness and sweetness - nothing overpowering the other. And at P195 for eight slices, it's a steal. I also like their pesto sauce better than most of the others I've tried in malls. True pesto sauce is made from olive oil, and I don't appreciate my pesto being too dry. It was over these that we've taken turns regaling tales about yes, the male species that are coloring our lives at the moment. It's a good thing they're open until 2 am. It has only been about two weeks since we last saw each other, and then there were all these things happening. It's a good thing we didn't need to hurry and we had all the time to finish our stories.


We were walking back to Philcoa to catch our respective rides home, when the conversation turned to stuff about relationships - which is more important, dedication or passion, and the like, and when Fati invited us to have a round or two of beer at Sarah's, we obliged. After all, we've never drunk together before, so in the spirit of spontaneity, we made a go at it. And I did remark earlier in the evening that kwentuhans become better with alcohol involved. That's what happened the last time I was at Sarah's. And I guess it works the other way around as well; kuwentuhan makes downing beer a lot easier. Or maybe it's because I've developed some tolerance for the bitter taste through the years (which is a bit improbable given that I've rarely had beer when I used to go out regularly with another trio of people).

I decided to try something new, and had the Super Dry with Fati. And we asked questions about ourselves, and what we want to have in our relationships (two of us are so-called NBSBs), and Joyce had inputs from a spiritual and communal mindset while Fati had inputs from an anthrological perspective. It was all so enlightening.

stripped the label off my bottle of Super Dry

It's a good thing when you realize certain things about yourself during the course of the conversations. I did bring up my dream lifestyle in a previous post. I'll be living with my little one in a house by the surf. And I just realized and/or proclaimed with finality on the13th of a July Friday night that my ultimate dream is becoming a mom. Since that post, I've had this image in my mind of me holding a toddler looking out our window to the sea. It's something that I'm sure of, but I never really knew where it came from. It started out as a concept. And it evolved into that image. And that's my ultimate dream, because by then, I'm thinking I've done all the other things I want to do.

And so with some more banter (i.e. them telling me that a guy (married and with a kid at that) doesn't text you from afternoon till midnight for nothing) and other revelations over a second bottle and Joyce's first, we ended the Friday night knowing more about each other. Just like the last time, we were one of the last ones to leave - the caretakers have already cleaned up the other tables. 

Joyce's light and my first time trying out the 'Tatay Beer' with Fati

It's a good thing I have these two ladies to have these kinds of talks with. I just realized now where Joyce got the name Ladies' Talk which is what she calls our regular meetups. 

I do hope to make some advances on the relationship front, if I may be so bold to declare. 

But what counts more is having these ladies to share stories with until we grow old and have achieved what we set out to do. 

last day of June

It's the last day of the first month of my being an official student once again, and I have only one post to show for it (this!). It's been awhile since I last wrote, although I've had many ideas coming and going in between days - I even have two semi-written pieces sitting on my drafts right now, but I never did get around to finishing them. Nothing to show also in my handwritten diary, and even my planner is barely written on (which often acts as a record of things that have happened instead of things that are supposed to happen).

I'm enjoying the internet during the wee hours of Saturday morning because finally, it's a weekend, it's two days' break both from work and school and I'm not jaunting elsewhere this early (which I did last weekend and the weekend before last which were fun, but I never did get around to writing about them, though I had planned on it).

So many things going on and which I've wanted to share, or at least keep a record of. Like the changes at the office and hmm... towards whom my attention has been riveted for the past weeks now (and may I just say that these past three specimens I've liked come from the same sort of complication that I wouldn't want to be in if I could help it);  the sights and sounds along Aurora Boulevard in Cubao at 3 AM; getting home and then eating or reading one moment then the next, finding myself groggy with the sun already up and I wouldn't know when I transitioned from being awake to sleeping and everything is just a matter of four hours;  scuba diving one weekend and still not getting the knack of mask clearing and equalizing - going back to Anilao for the first time in eight years and sleeping under the stars, then two weekends after finally getting to see the Hundred Islands in daylight and enjoying it and who says you can't enjoy the beach in June; despedidas and New York;  meeting new and younger people in class once again (one who graduated from the same high school I did and is part of my old org) and saying hello to old friends from German class and yes, finally having a definite direction as a European Language student (after the second try) and all the other choices and non-choices that came along with that decision;  pleasantly finding out all about our language major professor;  Germany fumbling again in the last four of a major tournament (why, oh why?);  hurdling the first major thing that is the Italian articles (why do you need four? why?).

A lot. Somehow, I've managed to outline them but time won't be enough to talk about them. I have other ideas as well and tasks to do. Weekends aren't enough I know. But oh well, cheers! This is life. I chose this. I wouldn't have it any other way right now, but if I can, I'd like to be able to add a few more things... just a few like futbol/futsal, fitness training, and more time to write - letters, postcards, diary entries and this blog while planning and saving up for Brazil 2014 :)

As the Italians say, ce la fai!

Everything in the name of all things wonderful...

An image from the abandoned resort beside Scubabro, where I experienced the underwater again after some oh, 8 years

on ... love

From the description of a self-portrait of one of my workmates:

If you find yourself in love with a person who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. 

Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart. 

True.

+ + +

And a little over one year after the incident, it's finally over. One day, I thought about my feelings (after one particularly scary view into my emotions - scary because of how intense it was but without the rationale to back it) and questioned my motives. And then I realized I've seen the last of writing lovelorn entries... at least about the particular person who occupied my mind for some months.

That quote was a good way of looking at that one year.

Now, I am looking forward to the time when I can say something like this lovely anecdote from Antoinette Jadaone:

“I used to think I love you more than I loved him, but now I’m not so sure,” I said, then he said, “Why?”, then I said, “The way I love you now, I don’t think I loved him at all.”

<3

a surfer lifestyle

I long for this. Eventually, I'd like to live with something as basic as these two:

I'd be living by the coast, only a bike to get me to places. When there's no surf, I'd be at home writing, reading, playing with my kid, building up my collection of photos and memories, cooking and/or baking, listening to and playing with music, running in the mornings, an occasional game of (beach) football, spending afternoons in my garden, under the trees, occasionally hanging out with friends. Work consists of writing or translation work all done from the home.

I've got the surfer's bug alright. Have I said that surfing is one of the most sublime things in the world? I've dreamt of it for so long and am only now taking baby steps towards making the dream a reality. And until now, there's nothing more I would wish than what I have just written above. Isn't it wonderful that the greatest joy in life is just that, doing something so sublime in the simplest of ways?

kids with the pumped up kicks...

Finally had a clue to this song's title last week. Though I heard it wrongly, I still managed to find it... weee!

The first time I heard this, I loved it mainly because of the beat. So with what itty bitty clue that I had, I scoured the net (without much difficulty) and voila!

I am loving this live performance - besides sounding like the studio version, the pirate style trance beat they did before they ended the song was awesome. Love the energy, makes me wanna dance too.

/ All the other kids with the pumped up kicks / you better run better run outrun my gun / all the other kids with the pumped up kicks / you better run better run faster than my bullet / (repeat)

 

Code Red at Teahupoo = Fantabulous Surf

This is scary... but it's the stuff of my dreams :D

source: http://www.theinertia.com/surf/code-red-teahupoo/




And out of the blue, one surfer friend invites us all to go surf this weekend in Baler where we met, and just like that, I'm gonna experience it again. I hope there are waves, and this time, friendlier than last time. Surf's up!


For more inspiration (mine mostly), I'm sharing this photo by Moonshine and Saltwater who's based in La Union but shoots wherever there's surf:

Another pic by M&S. We were staying at Lola Nanny's resort last February, but I've not been to this vantage point. This capture is just awwwesome!

view of LU sunset from Lola Nanny's