the problem of you

It's going to be almost a year. And there you still are, boggling my mind - revisiting old encounters, making me analyze different dimensions to what was, what is and what could be, wishing, hoping, becoming desperate but unable to do anything, toying with the idea of recklessly allowing my heart to rule over my head if a chance presents itself, accepting what is and knowing that things could not be, and then going through this cycle all over again.

Never had a person had such a claim over my heart and my head with such intensity for so long a time as you have been. And yet, you are out of reach. And then lately, I find myself boggled once more. My resolve is broken to not expect anymore. Tantalizing hints... what is it that you know? Is it time that I confront you? Yet, I look at your profile and the little heart shape by your name makes my world come crashing down once again. I should know better already.  Right now, it says Verheiratet, like how it had stood ever since you promptly approved my contact request crushing my ideal view of a first love.

I say love, but do I really know what the darned thing means? All I know is that I wish for you to pay me more attention everyday. But once out of sight, out of mind as is popularly said. That's true also. And then you unintentionally (or intentionally?) make your presence felt and I'm troubled/hopeful/depressed all over again. Hell, you've been the topic of three posts and counting here. Talk about hogging my imagination.

I need a distraction. Something that would overpower your influence. Like a boyfriend. That'd be neat.

.
.
.
.
.

Seriously, I want one.

And after I came alive last night talking to Joyce about her luck in life finding two sources of love one after another and easily downing two bottles of beer (I have never done that before - I don't like beer), spilling what no one would otherwise hear from me on a normal day (she was even surprised calling it a revelation and she already knows a lot about me and you and this), that just seems to be the logical thing left to solve the problem of you. See, I've even found a sort of moniker for it.

Universe, won't you conspire with me on this one? Just once please, for my turning 26?

They say be careful what you wish for, and with the matters of the heart, Ich glaube, dass das treu ist (I believe that's true). And like everything else, I'll cross the bridge when I get there. Like how I'm crossing this bridge now and the only solution other than recklessly giving you my heart only for you to fling it to the sharks to feed on is this, someone who'll make me forget and move on.

beauty and selflessnes in a song

Ever since I watched Glee's Mercedes Jones rendering a wonderful version of Whitney Houston's I Will Always Love You last Friday, I haven't been able to get the song out of my mind. I'm familiar with this as a difficult birit song for talented singers but beyond that and the movie The Bodyguard, I wasn't fond of it at all.  I also never had someone influence me to like Whitney, so I wasn't a fan. (Though it still is a bit unnerving that the famous people you knew while you were still young and who ought to still be there as you grow older are leaving earth earlier than they should be. Whitney is still pretty young at 48. So was MJ. They both had more to offer.)




So when I saw the video from Glee, it immediately had my full attention since it wasn't only flaunting the actress' (who plays Mercedes) singing chops but also there was a love angle that was not the usual (and which I wasn't expecting) but nevertheless, it's one of the elements of a good love story (at least for moi, since I'm a sucker for romance, and well, there's just certain twists or situations that resonate strongly with me). And the whole time I was marveling at the simplicity and beauty of the lyrics.

When you love someone unconditionally, you would do what's best for that person.

If I should stay
I would only be in your way.
So I'll go, but I know 
 I'll think of you every step of the way

But still, you will never stop loving that person.

And I will always love you
I will always love you
You, my darling you, Hmm

So you're saying goodbye because it's for the best.

Bittersweet memories 
that is all I'm taking with me
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry
We both know I'm not what you, you need

And I will always love you
I will always love you

And when she got to this next part, I felt that this song was so beautiful and so right. For me at least, this would be the song I'd be singing right now for a certain someone, in particular this last verse. It's so selfless to say that:

I hope life treats you kind 
And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish to you, joy and happiness
But above all this, I wish you love


Imagine loving someone so much that you couldn't get enough of that person, but since things are not meant to be, you willingly let go of him. And you also wish that person all that you would wish for him if you were together. That's genuine love. Sorry if I seem too naive or idealistic with all these love words I couldn't find synonyms for right now. But this simple thing is very powerful and very beautiful for me. Sacrifices are not easy to make but they are needed. To sacrifice for someone else is even more admirable. We naturally gravitate towards the things we like or want to have but to deliberately wean one's self away from that which gives you the greatestt happiness, that is just too hard to bear. But it's a difficulty one must suffer for you are thinking of that other's best interests. That's why love is so heartbreaking but still so great.

While Mercedes was singing that last verse, right when I realized what the words meant, I also imagined myself saying (or haha singing) that to him. It was like I've had those same unacknowledged thoughts at the back of my head, they've been there all along, but it's only now that I discovered those words and they fit perfectly with how I feel towards him. I believe things are not meant to be and I am ready to let go. I sincerely hope that things will turn out for the best for him, but nevertheless, inspite of my non-success in this part of my life, I somehow think that


And I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I will always love you.
I, I will always love you

You, darling, I love you.
Ooh, I'll always, I'll always love you



Rest in peace, Whitney.

things I wish you knew | buntong-hininga chronicles...01

I was looking for someone else and then I saw you. And a thought popped into my head unbidden. You looked a bit lonely. Or else, tired of what's going on, just waiting for your shift to finish. I thought, I ought to talk to you tonight, before I leave for home - a thought I've been entertaining during my down days. And it never left me. Not once did I think that I should do it some other day, never did put the idea to rest. I racked my brain for a topic. Hell, I was even about to go with going to you about to ask, then feigning forgetfulness just to have the chance to talk to you for a while. Thankfully, I didn't have to resort to that. And when I did it, I couldn't imagine that feigning forgetfulness would seem believable.

My eyes roamed around - at you, at the cigarette by the keyboard (and how I like it that you don't reek of smoke and cig like other smokers do), your light olive green sweater, the navy blue piece of cloth on your desk, the blue nike lanyard you have always worn, the growth of hair on your chin,  your longish hair compared to the shaved look you have every so often, the ear piercing that you usually have on. And I do ask sensible questions. You do know a lot, dear sir. Of course, what else would I expect, right? That's why I came to ask you specifically about that.

And dare I say I was lucky to approach you at the right time. A few minutes more and you'll be going on your lunch break. So hopefully, a longer time to talk. And also better since you still had more things to say on the topic.

It was just a normal conversation. I wasn't feeling anything unusual or out of the ordinary. So I was thinking, what prompted me to do this was just an illusion or a delusion I liked myself having. I waited for you to go out for lunch. So I've confirmed that the tattoo on your nape wasn't circular like the two others I know you have but triangular. Fact safely filed away. It's been awhile since we've walked together, or even talked that long. A  r e a l l y   l o n g  w h i l e .

We wrapped up our discussion. I remember feeling cold because my hands were cold. But I don't sense anything from you, nothing of the kind that would give me some incentive to hold on to these thoughts or feelings of mine. Just someone with the benefit of knowledge and experience sharing information with a friend. At this point, I kind of say to myself 'this is it - I should stop this now'. Stop feeling what you unwittingly opened up in me that one fateful day in April. Why did it have to be me of all people? Why did it have to be YOU of all people?

So we parted ways - you to your lunch, I to my locker. As I was retrieving my backpack from the rack, I suddenly felt how hot it was. I was even sweating a little. But I remembered that earlier, my hands were still so very cold. I haven't had this kind of reaction before. So yeah, it's confirmed. Attraction still there, even though I no longer get all riled up (kilig) when I encounter you. Is it that my brain has processed and internalised my feelings and also my chances in the current situation that it has logically told my body to behave normally, like I'm not some (pardon the term) lovestruck person finally talking to the object of my feelings?

So what now? I guess there's nothing to do but wait it out. There's no use hoping. One thing I know for sure: the attraction has not waned. It may have even gotten stronger. Daydreaming has gotten a bit frequent too, even extending the scenario to the point where you'd realize your feelings towards her and towards me.

If only you'd realize how long and how often you dominate my thoughts... Isn't it amazing that one spends so much time thinking this much about one person and that person doesn't even give a single damn about you? I even connect things so far removed from you to you. Like now, I'm watching/listening to a bald guy singing with an acoustic guitar. You and Billy Corgan...? Yeah, that's my sad reality.

I do hope someone new comes along who'd take my mind off of you, but hopefully, not in vain, too.

#5. Andenken aus Japan

Heute ist mein japanische Freund aus Japan zurückgekommen. Er beschert vier Dingen für mir. Das erste Bild zeigt eine japanische Quittung. Ich verstehe nichts außer für den Preis - 41,380 Yen. Yen ist über zweimal die philippinischer Peso. Mein Freund, er heißt Masa, hat eine Kamera für mich gekauft. Ich habe ihn eine Kamera kaufen dort gebeten weil der Preis ist in Japan von 10,000 Peso billiger.

die Quittung für meine Kamera

eine postkarte zeigt die Himeji-Burg

Das zweiten Bild ist eine Postkarte während das dritten Bild eine Weihnachtskarte ist. Die Weihnachtskarte ist niedlich (Kawaii desu ne?). Es hat viele kleinen Weihnachtsmänner und die Frau einen Kimono trägt ist durch Temple Türen Zufußgehen. Die Gestaltung ist sehr japanische, aber westliche zur gleichen Zeit.

eine japanische Weihnachtskarte

Nissins Instant-Nudeln mit Currygeschmack

Die vierten Andenken ist das überhalb Bild. Letzte Mal, beschert er für mich Nudeln mit Meeresfrüchtegeschmack.So diese Zeit, ich habe Nudeln mit Currygeschmack gebeten. Curry ist ein beliebter Geschmack in das Land der aufgehenden Sonne.

#4. Noodles and football

Gyoza ramyun and Mashitta's new year freebie

Was in Mashitta for the second consecutive day now for my dinner and tried out their gyoza ramyun, combining Japanese gyoza (originally a Chinese dumpling) with Korean ramyun (noodles). I'm currently making true of my fascination with noodles so that's why I tend to eat here. Plus, the noodles are quite filling that I wouldn't have to eat anything else for the whole night.  I was pretty successful with the chopsticks today too, so hurray for me. With the new year, the shop is giving out ballpens to its customers. So I currently have 2 tri-colored pens from this shop.

The more interesting part of my stay there was listening to Coach Anto's conversation with his Korean companion. Anto (Andrew Gonzales) coaches the UP Fighting Maroons football team besides handling some PE classes. He also plays for a team in the United Football League (UFL) and is the only Filipino coach certified by either the AFC or FIFA (read this in an article before and I don't remember it now) in his current rank. Plus, he was such a hard and talented worker in the midfield given his slight build that I was immediately impressed with his display during the Azkals-UFL All-stars exhibition game sometime last year. So he's sort of a celebrity for me. Since he and his companion were talking loudly enough for everyone in the 2nd floor to hear, I was contented listening to them. It's been awhile since I've heard talk about the beautiful game and its variation or offshoot, futsal. There were some name-dropping and I recognized members of the Maroons, and he also talked about the benefits of playing futsal, the Manchester derby rivalry, and the Korean's relationship status harhar.

Project 365 is still on. I am just having difficulty finding time in front of a PC with a cable connected to my  camera or phone due to school and other commitments so I post my entries late.

#3. success with chopsticks

ate at Mashitta yesterday for dinner

Headed to Mashitta at the UP Shopping Center for an early post-class dinner. Had the chicken curry udon. Filling, though not as hot as I would have thought. I wonder if Japanese curry is as hot as Indian curry. This pic is #3 in my attempt at Project 365 because I've never been successful in using chopsticks before. I would attempt to use them at the beginning of a meal, but not yet halfway through, it'll cause me more trouble than I would care to have so I'd revert to the spoon and fork I'm more at ease with. Well this time, look at the utensils on the left side. Clean and never been used. So yay for me and for my first success with chopsticks. Granted that udon is quite thick but still, one small step at a time :)

#2. Dagupan City river cruise

I decided to try the River Cruise offered free by the city government of Dagupan before finally going back to my hectic life of work and school and a  lot of what-nots. The jumpoff point for the cruise was just a few minutes' walk from our home. So after staying overnight in front of the computer, sleeping for some three hours and then doing needed chores whilst dealing with the resulting headache, Mom accompanied me to try it out around 4 pm. It didn't start as scheduled but still, there were plenty of people then. I learned that usually, the barges were for 25 people. Since we were many that time, they had to deploy the 75-seater barge. I grew up in this city, but I've never really spent a lot of time near the rivers nor the beaches. Well, I've more frequently gone to the beach. So this river cruise was something for me. 

It was a peaceful ride, but I think it would've been more interesting if there were some interesting things which a guide could tell us about. They were just playing early 90s ballads. The first time my mom tried out the river cruise, they had a tour guide. So she was able to point out to me today part of the old Philippine National Railways (PNR) tracks going to La Union, a province north of Pangasinan. My foray into the Mangrove Forest in Sabang, Palawan also came to mind. Since Palawan is dubbed the Philippines' "Last Frontier," there were some sights to anticipate whilst learning about mangroves and their different species, such as cobras and kingfishers. No such thing here in Dagupan. Well, the cruise is free. Hopefully, the ones in charge may come up with something that'll make the cruise more worthwhile. Even though it's a  pretty simple concept, it's still a leap forward. We haven't made many strides even though our city is the oldest in the province. After the Bangus Festival, I think this is the next good thing in tourism that the government has done, all under the auspices of Mayor Benjamin Lim (he was reelected so hopefully, he'll be able to do more good). 

The afternoon sun was pretty strong so that on camera, the greens of the mangrove trees and the blues from the sky which were also reflected on the water seemed so vivid. However, I didn't have much to go by in terms of composing a good shot. 

I asked my Dad what the name of the river was and he says, though he's not sure, that it's the Paronking river, which eventually connects with the Agno river. Anyhow, it's pretty wide. And here's what I captured as we made our way back to the dock in Dawel. On one side sits Silverio's restaurant, and on the other is San Marino Place, a subdivision which has some upper class American style house designs. Some are just adjacent to the river so they can have their own jetty port. How cool is that?

where we came from 

Below, the top part is the bridge connecting Arellano street to Bonuan. The barges don't venture across to the other side of the bridge where I believe fishponds abound. So that's what these two are probably on, earning their livelihood through the river. I don't know if those structures on the right have been there a long time or what they were for. These two seem to be living a very simple life. I wonder how it'd feel to do the same. It was close to 5 pm already when the barge made it's way back and yet the sun was still pretty strong, but it's not too obvious here.

banca by the bridge

Life's too short. We ought to appreciate the simple but beautiful things in life. Minna, have a beautiful 2012!

For ye 2012

Let go and focus on the more important things.

Start what you have planned. Finish what you started.

Work yourself more. Up the intensity. And don't forget to sweat it out.

Heed:

source:  http://www.jaymug.com/post/14474243536/success-by-r-collier   

And be consistent.
(edit 01.02.2012: an essential thing I forgot )

2012 is here. There's no time to waste.

#1

my parents posing for me as they come home from church

After an 8 1/2 hour shift where I greeted 2012 with Claire and TL Marv and a call immediately after, a surreal experience of walking through the hazy streets of Cubao and EDSA, a 1 1/2 hour wait in the Victory Liner terminal in Cubao reading A Short Guide to Writing about Film and a 4 1/2 hour bus ride, I'm back to Dagupan, where I've lived and breathed the air for most of my earliest 17 years. 

And they ^^ are the ones who made this all possible. 

So as a tribute to the new year (which I just found out is the year of the dragon - hmmm), my first photo of the year will be that of these two people who've made many things possible for me. Thank you so much. I wish you all the best throughout the rest of your years. Though I've never said this a lot of times before, nor in person, I love you so much and I am very grateful for all that you've been. 

Have a splendid 2012 everyone!

Cheers!

films, stories and languages

I just came from my Film 100 class, the introductory class taken by Film majors in UP. We were supposed to cover film form and basic writing about film. What was great about the class is that with the variety of viewpoints presented by my classmates who are from the College of Mass Communication, taking either Film, Broadcast Communication or Communication Research, they are steeped in communication theories and other social interactions that I, with a background in food technology, had no access to. It was entirely new, giving me a different perspective on how classes could be held

Towards the end of the discussion, our professor asked the film majors why they were taking up this course. Since the film majors in the class were freshies, they were still a bit unsure of why they're taking the course. The question ignited something in me that I shared my reason if ever I was taking up BA Film.

I mentioned that filmmaking is a different kind of storytelling. I am involved in film seeing it as an art form, as another means of self-expression. I am amazed at how a concept, given a certain kind of treatment, applied a certain kind of technique in terms of lighting, the kind of shots used and sequencing employed, scoring and using ambient sound, manipulating the colors, putting certain design elements, the emotions conveyed by the actors, the interplay of all these elements with the narrative - these all just make me go wow. I've been reading movie reviews and it always amazes me how such writers are able to have these kinds of readings into the films they're viewing and moreso, being able to write about them. Notwithstanding the need to express yourself, but since film is mainly made for others to see, you have a means of possibly making a mark even if only in a few people - making them think a certain way about a certain thing, providing them a fresh awareness of something others have tackled before letting them see it in a new light.

I was in a sort of high after I briefly spoke about it. It's like I was at that point where I knew now what I wanted to do. And then while walking, I gleaned that I have always been interested in stories. As a child, I read a lot of books from the school library, delving into the classics when there was nothing else available, reading the novels my mom kept in the top tier of our single shelf at home, delighting in watching movies, being intrigued by the design elements in film (I think the first one I saw which showed me film's wondrous possibilities was Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas - watching it with my siblings after Noche Buena when I was probably 8 or 9 years old). Then I started reading fanfiction on the internet and tried to come up with my own. I was mostly unsuccessful in putting them into writing but it hasn't stopped me from making up stories in my head. I've become a fan of Neil Gaiman's Sandman mainly because of the intricate world he makes up and the incredible developments in his characters - introducing a very varied bunch of characters wholly unconnected with each other in the beginning and then tying up all the loose ends so that you get a coherent ending by the end of the nine volumes, and still telling a GRAND story. Significantly, his novels also take place in modern day with elements of the fantastic and I believe it would take an ingenious mind such as him, or Tolkien (the latter of a level different to Gaiman's), to come up with stories like those. I also admire Haruki Murakami because of his different way of telling his stories. He introduces unconventional characters into his stories, possibly attributable to his Japanese/Asian origin, putting them into unconventional situations but still he makes you understand the conflicts, to sympathize with the characters even if the plot itself is a little bit out of this world. I may say that it is due to the psychic nature of Asian culture which is not so unheard of in these lands compared to the West, that I am accepting of the realities he shows in his stories. The stories could be taking place in real time or in the heads of the characters. And when you realize what's up, it just blows my mind away. Sandman was mindblowing as well. Neverwhere is my favorite among Gaiman's novels and it is incredibly amazing.

So going back to my previous train of thought. I have seriously thought about writing that I've even set aside a writing month after I resigned from my first job. Then I tried to keep up with Nanowrimo for 2 years before I decided it's not for me. But failing those, I still do feel that I have to tell stories. Film has been a companion for many years now, even compelling me to join a film-oriented organization in college, joining mainly because I wanted to know how to create my own film. I guess it's the concept that I have to come up with now since the technology is there to make own film if you're really motivated to, and of course friends who I can ask help from. So letting that out in class today, I feel like I've stumbled upon what I want to do.

And then I remember that yesterday in my German class, our teacher Ms. Petersen shared that her background is linguistics and that grammar is her favorite part, as is mine with studying English or any other languages (except Filipino/Tagalog). Also aside from German, she knows Spanish, Bahasa Indonesia, there was probably one or two more European languages in there and Latin. And that's because she has been studying languages for 15 years already. I was talking with my usual seatmate Alex afterwards and I was like I also want to learn the things she has learned that I was thinking linguistics might be a better field of study (for a second degree) compared to European languages (which has been one of my thrusts for some years now).

So now, my enthusiasm for filmmaking has been dampened by this realization that I equally want to do the languages thing for the rest of my forseeable life. It is a question that will have to be answered years down the road. For now, I am thankful that I have taken all these subjects I am taking now - Film 100, German 12-13 and Hapon 10-11. Even I have no definite plan yet about my career or my academic studies, I am continuously opening myself up to possibilities. Years down the road, I will be able to look back and connect the dots leading me to that point in my life. Hopefully.