*Ambivalent, like.

Many hours before this morning, I was completely confident, sure in what I was about to embark on. There was none of the self-consciousness or self-doubt that have crept up as I allowed myself to think of other possibilities. Well, one's gotta react to the issue at hand. So that with a wee bit of disappointment, I've managed to screw my views once again.

Damaging, like. It's something you can't help thinking, especially when you're on the verge of giving yourself completely to another. You'd think the other was as willing as you are in accepting another person... and with a little of this and a little of that, you start thinking that that may well not be the case. Once again, you've read too much into your interactions, the other's actions, to satisfy the fantasy world you've built.

Or...

You may just simply be overthinking things again. Isn't it better to just give in to the moment? Live it while it's happening and stop anymore of this senseless analysis when you can't really get to the root of your conflict unless you confront the person yourself.

As I've written in my previous blog's sidebar:

Contemplation often makes life miserable. We should act more, think less and stop watching ourselves live. -- Nicolas de Chamfort

Too true, in my case. If only it was that easy.


*Inspired by Ewan McGregor and his crew in Trainspotting

here we go again

I believe that you can do whatever it is you want once you set your mind to it. All the disappointments and challenges in the world can be overcome by just thinking that they don't affect you much, that you'd still have a chance to remedy things; you don't have to pander on and on about how much of a waste your efforts were, or what you could've done with the time lost. No amount of sulking or sourgraping will change what happened. So the best thing would be to change how you think about it, move on and start doing what's needed. Indeed, being happy is all in the mind. And I have that written down in my profile.

I'm inclined to believe that I have the strength of mind to do this everytime I encounter something that's not up to my expectations. But I've come to realize lately that indeed, some things are far stronger than what I imagine them to be. Foremost among these is my emotions towards a certain... hmm, something.

It's the same pattern. Despite telling myself that I should stop imagining scenarios in my head, my brain just goes ahead and does it. I'd be thinking what to do next, and then soon enough, there'd be scenes playing in my head and it's on a roll and I'm in situations that are way too deep for me to actually expect them to happen. Or there'd be another development and immediately, my brain answers it with scenes up to a satisfactory ending. The thing with me fixating on this is that I expect... when I know I shouldn't be. Because the last time I did, I was disappointed big time. A heartbreak indeed. And it was a  while before I got over the whole thing. And while I was trying to get over the thing, I'd be in an emotional slide, high one time, then slowly slipping downwards until I'm rock bottom. And there are very few things in the world that could make me right again.

So I'm observing the same patterns again. I've tried to distance myself from the events, thinking that I can eventually master my emotions. And indeed I do, then I realize that going on with that line of thinking will end up with me no longer caring about what's happening. And it would be a sad thing. I'd be immune to whatever is happening, that I can no longer respond appropriately. It would be a shame if that were to happen. I wouldn't want that to happen.

So I try not to overthink, to overimagine events. But then, this thing that I'm expecting has been inexplicably tied to whatever pleasant emotions I'm feeling for the day, or for a certain stretch of time. Previously, it was only work that was causing me this emotional rollercoaster (just like last time), but now, another factor has added to it. And it's got a greater weight than work (again, like last time).

This is not good, because when I'm in the pits, I lose the drive to do anything at all. I'd be like this until I force myself to interact with other people hoping they could cheer me back up (which happens most of the time when I'm not too closed off to the world). But when I'm by myself again, I find that I have not recovered. I have simply put away the gloomy feelings for awhile before unlocking them again. Now is not a good time to be having those phases because besides working, I have school as well. I'm behind assignments. I realized the full brunt of being behind in my lessons yesterday and being helpless got me so scared. I don't want to waste the opportunity for studies I have right now.

I want to end this, like get to the bottom of this if I only knew the other's side. Walking this tightrope is a little frustrating because of what it does to my motivation towards other things. One moment I'm unsure, then I'd have a little hope with the help of a little positive imagination, only for me to squash it  some more with further analysis. Then I'd try to be neutral again to assuage the disappointment I'm having. Then I'd have some news and I'd be feeling light and a bit happy, like now. It's the down times that I hate because that translates to having little or no motivation for the other aspects of my life. And I'm sure I'd be going through this cycle again. I wouldn't want to stop at this right now, because who knows what might happen? I might find happiness, or at least something worth feeling all bonkers over when I weather this whole thing. And here I am being hopeful again...

I have to make the most of this chance because I've already missed out on this during my high school and college years. I no longer have the luxury of experiencing some innocent high school romance or even a simple college romance. Now as I'm older, things are more complicated because the world is bigger and the stakes are higher, and interests and priorities have changed.

I do believe that I can move on if this pans out to nothing. I wonder how long it'll take again though.

the in between days

It's been raining on and off for the past week. At times, it's just mild. And then later on, it'll shift into full strength with accompanying strong winds. Pants, shoes - everything becomes wet when you're in the wrong place at the wrong time. I hope this doesn't last until Friday, so as not to disrupt futsal practice. After last week's low strength and low moments, I don't wanna miss playing this week again.

...

After having no German last week, I'm glad we're back to regular programming this week. And the pressure is on again. We're gonna be doing some dialogues this afternoon. And a bit of newscasting next week. And here I am, reading anything but the news. I hope my partner and I can pull off the spontaneity our professor is looking for in our dialogs. I can understand the grammar, and can usually apply it while writing, but when you have to speak impromptu, you're just forced to let the ideas come out that the grammar gets left behind. My other problem is that when I'm answering questions during recitations, like when my prof is asking follow up questions, I am hardly able to string together a complete sentence, saying a noun, a preposition, some verb that may pass. But otherwise when I'm not answering in class, I believe I can say it completely and with sense. This is the part that is kinda frustrating. I should have been able to speak a bit by now. The thing is, I don't remember that many expressions or that many usage patterns nowadays. And with German verbs, they may have the same roots, but you just change the prefix a bit and the whole thing means something entirely different. This is what I still have to get my head around on, besides prepositions. I believe English language learners are also having difficulties regarding the correct prepositions to use. That is what I am experiencing as well in learning German.

...

I discovered this video of Razorback's Kevin Roy doing an acoustic version of Sinead O'Connor's Nothing Compares 2 U. It seems that the video comes from a performance series he does called Guilty Acoustic Pleasures, so-called probably because of the genres of the songs he's covering; Razorback's music is nowhere near those. Kevin Roy's got an amazing vocal range. And with the emotions he's projecting, I've come to realize the power of the song. Sinead's voice is soft, and probably a tad short of whiny. Absolutely in love with this performance (though the guitarist kinda spoils it with some of his comments).

And with the title alone... I wonder why I never remembered this song during those times.

...

Prior to discovering the previous video, my brother and I were laughing along to Basti Artadi's cover of Hot and Cold. He's with Razorback's Tirso Ripoll and the performance is part of their podcast called Tropical Banter, of which I haven't watched a full single episode. Anyhow, we were laughing really hard particularly to his cover of this song because he's managed to infuse his typical singing style. Like he was just singing Atomica and he was lengthening the vowels at the end of the last line of the verse or chorus.

They also have a cover of Call Me Maybe, with Basti rewriting the lyrics to suit his sensibilities - and what good it's done!

...

It's 5:25 AM and it's raining hard again... two panes of my window are already busted, that I had to put some plastic to prevent the onslaught of rain and wind on my bed and on my cabinet. In a few hours, it'll be a new schoolday and workday already - like I haven't just come from some 15 hours or so of the same, but yeah, that's my life right now... so I'll leave this be.

summat better and brighter,
TomatoAndCheese signing off from another kung-fu session ;D