Out of fear for myself, I just have to let this out.
I've never been so one-track minded as i am now.
The whole idea has taken over me, invading my waking thoughts. with my hyperactive imagination, I've envisioned countless scenarios, new situations springing up in my head everytime the day brings something new to my limited arsenal of facts or evidence, or else some realization I'm having regarding the current situation. When I'm not preoccupied with it, my mind strays to it and before long, I've more than a healthy amount of daydreams/stories to account for what went on in my afternoons before going to work, or else the time when I just woke up.
And this is pretty frustrating. Can't think of anything else, I'm obsessed. There came a point that I lost all sense of direction, and was just mindlessly waiting for the next thing to happen. It's the newness of this thing, and the fact that I do want it - not just because it is something new for me, but also, I do want to share myself with someone else.
One-track minded as I was, I have gone into this quite mindlessly, sacrificing a few things, my physical well-being being one, my sense of self another, letting my life dangle on a thread waiting for his next move.
Besides this at times frustrating feeling of being in limbo, there's the belief that if you want something badly enough, the universe will conspire for you to get it. So does that mean i'm not even up to any level in wanting anything - this! - badly, that the universe doesn't help me get what I want? This is just a matter related to myself, of course. I've never really wanted anything so badly like this, i think. Maybe that's it, because i want it really bad, i should be doing more than just sitting here, waiting. Make a move perhaps?
Ah but that's where life failed to equip me. no experience at all. I may not even be projecting the right body language, or the right whatever it is... i don't want to devolve this into like a sort of game. There are tricks of the trade true, but that's not me. I prefer things to be true. Of course, there's one friend who quoted Paolo Coelho saying "The game of seduction is something that awakens the best in us. Don't feel guilty."
Torn between letting the thing take its natural course, courtesy of him, or taking a stand, pursuing it and i don't know up to how long, for time is limited. Really, like maybe just this week. I'm giving myself only this week to be a little more mindless in my thoughts, but next week, I'm so going back to being in control of my life. I have to.
When I started writing this, I had half a mind to confront him tonight. Tomorrow the latest. Now, i don't know what to do again. What is it again that's holding me back? I forget now. Fear probably, of something yet unnamed. Or the fact that I know that I can be ambivalent about the whole thing, not minding too much if it turns out one way or the other way - of course I do prefer for this to turn into something else, and not just devolve into a first experience and nothing else.
Me's the problem, don't you think?
And I'm no better off than when i started this piece. I thought I would gain some clarity when I come to the end of writing this. But no, the whole thing's still as muddled as ever.
Oh you... why does this have to be so complicated?
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
the 6th of March
It was a swell Sunday for me. Not only was I able to indulge in some good 'ol football (haven't played since oh, early February), but I also spent time with friends over good food and nice chit-chat.
The day actually started out with me still awake, trying to finish The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants since I wasn't the least bit sleepy, given the hours that I've been working. I actually got to finish the book (in love with Lena's character, and am actually curious about the movie and how her Greek god Kostos looks like haha), and it was around 3:30 am that I started feeling sleepy. Didn't make it to the supposed 7:30 am meetup in McDo near the Marikina Sports Complex, but it turned out to be alright since our first game was not until before 11:00 am.
This motley crew of Sikad ladies hadn't had time to train together - I for one am not fit having had no physical activities for the past two weeks - but I guess this combination of us was just right (I may also have benefitted from the chips that I carbo-loaded on (haha!) the night before, wtf?!). To think that we actually didn't have our regular keeper with us.
Anyhoo, we suffered defeat in our first game against a UST Team that featured this player from La Salle who is looked up to by one of our teammates who was not playing then, and who we've played against futsal tournaments ago (and we defeated their team then! their shots hitting the crossbar or else, being saved by our keeper).
We had a power striker with us in the person of Jeanne who has a deadly left foot, and who eventually, showered the tournament with goal after goal. If there was a Golden Boot award, it'd be hers. The next game was against CFAD from UST and we won. The next one was the hardest one, against RTU. They are one of the strongest women's futsal teams currently around (where'd they come from? Years ago, we were usually facing PWU and EAC. Anyway...). We changed our game plan courtesy of our coach and club founder Kuya Carl. Playing a tighter defense, we succeeded in shutting them out of goals, until we scored our first, and they equalized soon right after, dampening everyone's celebrations. I don't know why but almost everyone watching were supporting the girls in yellow (us!). We found another goal minutes later. And we've succeeded in defeating the only undefeated team in the tournament. It was a really nice thing given that they thrashed us good the last time these we met in the Philippine Futsal League last January (wasn't present then though). We emerged top of the bracket even, winning over goal difference after tying with UST and RTU. Go Jeanne!
So we were through to the next round, going against an Ateneo-based team (?) who was the last placer in the other bracket. We comfortably handled them. The next match up was another round against the UST Team who beat us earlier. Even though we've been playing the other teams goalless since the first defeat and the win over RTU, somehow the chemistry broke down and we weren't able to lord it over this team, as much as we wanted. So there goes our hopes for another championship (it's been awhile since our team won some). It was UST and RTU who are meeting up for the finals. Meanwhile FC Sikad is facing the organizers' Condem FC who I believe are from Miriam College. I was subbed in in the second half (we were playing 10 minutes each half since the semi-finals) and I could feel the fight everyone was giving from both teams. We were playing for 3rd place after all.
They were relentlessly attacking us while we also tried to string our offense and produce a much needed goal. We wouldn't want to decide this on penalty shoot-outs, at least that's how I feel. Jeanne eventually found the back of the net after two tries from me, I think. And so that's it, the FC Sikad Women's team has another trophy under its belt. It's also a precious experience for me since one, I got a medal (yay! my first in football) and also, I did feel that I played a part in what the team achieved (same as how I also played a part in why our team didn't win in other games where I'm part of the lineup). And also, Kuya Carl commented that I was playing well (though I'm not sure if I would really take what he's saying as true because he just might be saying it to be nice, but when he gave me an example of one instance, I might just give it to him). And ate Klur, our makeshift keeper (she's efficient on the field and was the one who formed this team, but without a keeper, she opted to take the position), also commended me for making 2 attempts. I didn't realize before she said it that yes, I've somehow improved because I'm no longer afraid of attempting goals. In fact, I remember trying to do this for the first time back in the PFL last January. One was on target, if only I had injected more venom in it since it did a slow arc and the keeper had enough time to judge its trajectory and catch it. Kuya Carl said I should work on my striking, since he couldn't tell if I'm passing or striking. I agree. I have to work on locking that ankle.
So we finished up around 5. Went to the Ateneo HS field after the men's team's game in the Weekend Futbol League (WFL). Though everything is not roses on their side, we still found them relaxing, chatting and generally having a genial atmosphere. They went to some place in Katipunan Avenue to fill up. Meanwhile I needed to be getting to Trinoma for my dinner date with friends in occasion of my birthday. I brought my sister along, so there were the two of us, Ate Beng who I haven't seen in quite a while, Macel, Joyce and Marnie. Incidentally, Marnie and Karen are also celebrating their birthdays this month. When we found out that there's some sort of special treat for birthday celebrators over at Cyma where we were at, ate Beng also said it's also her birthday month. This after Macel insisting that she remembers here being born on March, too.
So it was the first Cyma experience for half of the party and we were naturally eager to sample the delights of Greek cuisine. So we tried the following:
Know this post is not yet over. Tschüs! :)
The day actually started out with me still awake, trying to finish The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants since I wasn't the least bit sleepy, given the hours that I've been working. I actually got to finish the book (in love with Lena's character, and am actually curious about the movie and how her Greek god Kostos looks like haha), and it was around 3:30 am that I started feeling sleepy. Didn't make it to the supposed 7:30 am meetup in McDo near the Marikina Sports Complex, but it turned out to be alright since our first game was not until before 11:00 am.
This motley crew of Sikad ladies hadn't had time to train together - I for one am not fit having had no physical activities for the past two weeks - but I guess this combination of us was just right (I may also have benefitted from the chips that I carbo-loaded on (haha!) the night before, wtf?!). To think that we actually didn't have our regular keeper with us.
Anyhoo, we suffered defeat in our first game against a UST Team that featured this player from La Salle who is looked up to by one of our teammates who was not playing then, and who we've played against futsal tournaments ago (and we defeated their team then! their shots hitting the crossbar or else, being saved by our keeper).
We had a power striker with us in the person of Jeanne who has a deadly left foot, and who eventually, showered the tournament with goal after goal. If there was a Golden Boot award, it'd be hers. The next game was against CFAD from UST and we won. The next one was the hardest one, against RTU. They are one of the strongest women's futsal teams currently around (where'd they come from? Years ago, we were usually facing PWU and EAC. Anyway...). We changed our game plan courtesy of our coach and club founder Kuya Carl. Playing a tighter defense, we succeeded in shutting them out of goals, until we scored our first, and they equalized soon right after, dampening everyone's celebrations. I don't know why but almost everyone watching were supporting the girls in yellow (us!). We found another goal minutes later. And we've succeeded in defeating the only undefeated team in the tournament. It was a really nice thing given that they thrashed us good the last time these we met in the Philippine Futsal League last January (wasn't present then though). We emerged top of the bracket even, winning over goal difference after tying with UST and RTU. Go Jeanne!
So we were through to the next round, going against an Ateneo-based team (?) who was the last placer in the other bracket. We comfortably handled them. The next match up was another round against the UST Team who beat us earlier. Even though we've been playing the other teams goalless since the first defeat and the win over RTU, somehow the chemistry broke down and we weren't able to lord it over this team, as much as we wanted. So there goes our hopes for another championship (it's been awhile since our team won some). It was UST and RTU who are meeting up for the finals. Meanwhile FC Sikad is facing the organizers' Condem FC who I believe are from Miriam College. I was subbed in in the second half (we were playing 10 minutes each half since the semi-finals) and I could feel the fight everyone was giving from both teams. We were playing for 3rd place after all.
 |
| Kuya Carl in the foreground - the wall against Condem FC - I believe that's me on the leftmost side of the wall, jumping |
They were relentlessly attacking us while we also tried to string our offense and produce a much needed goal. We wouldn't want to decide this on penalty shoot-outs, at least that's how I feel. Jeanne eventually found the back of the net after two tries from me, I think. And so that's it, the FC Sikad Women's team has another trophy under its belt. It's also a precious experience for me since one, I got a medal (yay! my first in football) and also, I did feel that I played a part in what the team achieved (same as how I also played a part in why our team didn't win in other games where I'm part of the lineup). And also, Kuya Carl commented that I was playing well (though I'm not sure if I would really take what he's saying as true because he just might be saying it to be nice, but when he gave me an example of one instance, I might just give it to him). And ate Klur, our makeshift keeper (she's efficient on the field and was the one who formed this team, but without a keeper, she opted to take the position), also commended me for making 2 attempts. I didn't realize before she said it that yes, I've somehow improved because I'm no longer afraid of attempting goals. In fact, I remember trying to do this for the first time back in the PFL last January. One was on target, if only I had injected more venom in it since it did a slow arc and the keeper had enough time to judge its trajectory and catch it. Kuya Carl said I should work on my striking, since he couldn't tell if I'm passing or striking. I agree. I have to work on locking that ankle.
So we finished up around 5. Went to the Ateneo HS field after the men's team's game in the Weekend Futbol League (WFL). Though everything is not roses on their side, we still found them relaxing, chatting and generally having a genial atmosphere. They went to some place in Katipunan Avenue to fill up. Meanwhile I needed to be getting to Trinoma for my dinner date with friends in occasion of my birthday. I brought my sister along, so there were the two of us, Ate Beng who I haven't seen in quite a while, Macel, Joyce and Marnie. Incidentally, Marnie and Karen are also celebrating their birthdays this month. When we found out that there's some sort of special treat for birthday celebrators over at Cyma where we were at, ate Beng also said it's also her birthday month. This after Macel insisting that she remembers here being born on March, too.
So it was the first Cyma experience for half of the party and we were naturally eager to sample the delights of Greek cuisine. So we tried the following:
 |
| Moussaka, Greece's national dish, for Karen |
 |
| Mixed meat Gyro for me |
 |
| Meatless Moussaka for Joyce |
 |
| Yesmistes (stuffed peppers) for Macel |
 |
| Leonides Pasta for everyone |
 |
| Kebab of which specific kind I don't remember for Beng |
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
the 25th year
25. it's just a number. but once you reach that age, it sort of represents another milestone in one's life, that's why attached to it is the "quarter-life crisis," assuming of course that everybody lives to a hundred, which of course, is a very rare phenomenon.
well, oh well. i'm not complaining. but sometimes, i feel like i've been left behind. other people are younger than 25 and have already done this, been to these places. i'm not complaining of course. it is also my own doing that things have turned out this way. in the age of information, many things are so very possible, that dreams of faraway lands are more attainable.
anyhoo, if anything, 25 is a start. five more years and i'm on to another decade. can't let these 5 years go to waste. got lots of things i want to do before i turn 30. so hello 25. Let's see a great new me now at 25 :)
well, oh well. i'm not complaining. but sometimes, i feel like i've been left behind. other people are younger than 25 and have already done this, been to these places. i'm not complaining of course. it is also my own doing that things have turned out this way. in the age of information, many things are so very possible, that dreams of faraway lands are more attainable.
anyhoo, if anything, 25 is a start. five more years and i'm on to another decade. can't let these 5 years go to waste. got lots of things i want to do before i turn 30. so hello 25. Let's see a great new me now at 25 :)
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